Scarborough

...are nowhere near retirement age,

and are certainly not looking to spend their days

indoors watching television. Home comforts are important to them,

as well as the obligatory pool and barbecue area.

And, although they initially both gave... Mother?

You've left this back door open again!

..still lacking the all-important internet and British television.

Did you hear me, Mam? You've left that back door open again.

Civil partners Gary and Aslam are looking for a cosy bolthole

in the old town of Ibiza.

Aye, I bet they are.

It means an 'oliday home. Yes, I know what it means.

I've got your soups. Do you want one?

They don't look very civil to me. They've both got beards.

I'm doing you a soup.

There's nothing on!

It's one o'clock in the afternoon,

and there's absolutely nothing on television.

It's a disgrace.

Cash In The Attic. "Nerys wants to raise money

"to buy a new wardrobe after losing six stones in weight."

She might've lost six stones, but she's still called Nerys.

San Agustin is one of the best preserved villages...

Oh, are you having soup?

I've opened it for YOU. Well, I never asked for soup.

Well, if you're making it, I may as well have some.

Hey, what are you doing? I'm doing your soup.

Well, if I'm having soup, I'll have it done properly in a pan.

Now, listen, you have got to start shutting that back door.

Anybody could walk in.

Mr Ferris had a cat wander into his back kitchen yesterday.

Right, well, there you go. Exactly.

He'd only gone to answer the front door.

The scabby thing walked into his house, bold as brass.

He was in the middle of making a beef and onion pie.

He used to work at Jackson's, didn't he? Mm.

Ah, that's nice that he still bakes.

The cat shat on the mincemeat.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

I know! A pound and a half of best steak mince. He was devastated.

He had to throw half of it away.

So, are you out tonight?

Yeah, going to The Ship for karaoke. Do you fancy it?

Me?! Oh, no fear! Once was enough, thank you.

Well, I'm going. Could do with a good night out.

Well, I hope for your sake they have different singers

from that time I went. Some of them were shocking.

Mother, it's just karaoke. Folks just get up and have a go.

Aye, well, some folk should realise they're annoying when they talk,

never mind having a crack at Shirley Bassey.

Darren's a good singer. I'll give him that.

You mean Mike. You've got to stop calling him Darren.

No, not Darren - that's the other one. Yes, I know.

It's Mike who's the singer, and Darren moved to Finland.

Florida. Close.

Have you sorted things out since your set-to with him last week?

With Mike? No, not really.

So, if Darren lives in Florida,

where does Mike live?

Scarborough.

Darren moved to Florida when we got divorced.

Mike lives in Scarborough.

Well, you can see why I get confused.

Yeah, well... to add to the confusion, it's...

..I think we might've split up.

Oh, when did all this happen?

Last week in The Ship.

Oh, you're better off without him, love.

I mean, Darren and Karen -

you couldn't have gone through life like that.

Right, you give us that soup.

You're stirring all the flavour out of it.

But it's not hot yet. Ah, that's all right.

I generally finish it off in the microwave anyway.

Oi! Go easy on that, will ya?

What did I just tell you? This machine's rigged.

YOU'LL be rigged in a minute if you don't pack that in.

Oi!

Hey, do you recognise him? Cos he's barred.

Yolanda?

Hello?

Mork calling Orson. You with us?

It's no good asking me. What do you mean it's no good asking you?

I was knee-deep in Terry Pratchett.

You know there's only supposed to be one of you in there, don't you?

Anyway, they all look the same to me.

Who? Humans?

Men. What, all men look the same to you?

All men, do they?

You couldn't tell the difference between, like, Brad Pitt

and... Tommy Cooper?

Who's Tommy Cooper? He's the fella with the red...

"Who's Tommy Cooper?" You're taking the piss.

All right, then. Who's Ponder Stibbons?

What? Who's Fred Colon?

Who's Nobby Nobbs?

Fred Colon, Nobby Nobb... You're making these up.

Yeah, we just come from very different worlds.

Yeah, you literally. I beg your pardon?

Is this all from your, er, Dungeons & Dragons and that?

Dungeons & Dragons.

Sorry, what year are we in, 1982?

Mike!

Cafe, quick. Where've YOU been?

Cafe - now!

Right, I'll be back in 10 minutes. Nanu, nanu.

# Got myself a crying, talking

# Sleeping, walking, living doll... #

Shall we get you under the dryers, Mrs Bookham?

Hello, Geraldine's - Geraldine speaking.

How can I help?

Oh, no, love, I'm sorry, we don't touch feet.

Yeah, there used to be a man in the indoor market with a tank of fish

you could stick your feet in, but I think he got arrested.

No bother at all.

You're welcome.

Best of luck.

He DID get arrested.

Who did? The fella in the indoor market

with the fish that ate the dead skin off your feet.

Oh, yes, I heard that. Do you know what happened?

Well, when the fish died, he gave them to his brother

who deep-fried them and sold them in his pub as whitebait.

Never! Right, I'm off to powder me nose,

and I hope you've got plenty of paper in, not like last time.

It were like being up shit creek without a canoe,

never mind a paddle.

And something to read. I don't like to be rushed.

I'm very particular about my ablutions.

Do you want an Echo?

How do you do that?

Leave the door open?

No, a Northern Echo.

Oh, right. Thank you.

And don't come looking for me,

I'll be a good while. Dr Sidhari told me not to strain.

Oh, no, don't strain. We've just decorated.

Sorry I'm late, Gerry. There were a massive queue in Jackson's.

They've started doing curry pies. People are going mad for 'em.

They're doing curry in a pie? Apparently. What sort of curry?

I've no idea. Here, do you want to put the cakes in the back?

Are they big?

They're the same ones we get every Friday.

Not the cream cakes, the curry pies. No idea, I didn't see 'em.

Right, pop the kettle on.

Lovely.

Are you going to The Ship tonight? Yeah, definitely.

Are you and Mike going?

Yeah.

Well, I'M going. I don't know about Mike.

I haven't spoke to him for a few days.

Well, a week.

Oh, you've just got back together, haven't you? Yeah.

Look, I ain't told anybody this, but, um...

..you know last week when we were in The Ship,

and they were calling for us to sing Everlasting Love,

but Mike weren't there? Yeah.

Well, I went to go find him. I mean, you know what Jack's like -

if you miss your song, you're straight to the back of the queue.

Anyway, he weren't in the pub, so I've gone outside,

and as I have stepped outside, I've seen him disappear

behind the, um... you know the crab stall opposite?

Yeah.

So I've crossed over, and I've gone behind the back of the crab stall...

..and he were there...

..with Hayley Cox...

..and they were kissing.

He didn't even notice me.

I just turned round and went back in the pub.

A few minutes later, he came back in, and he said,

"I'm sorry I went outside, I felt a bit sick."

I said "Oh, right, did ya? Who were you with?"

He said, "Nobody, why?"

So I said, "You weren't with Hayley Cox?"

He said, "I don't know what you're talking about,"

so I said, "I saw you together behind the back of the crab stall."

He couldn't say anything.

It's like he were frozen...

..and I just walked out.

I ain't answered any of his calls or his texts since then.

And I just...

..I just feel so betrayed.

When you say curry pies, do you mean just, like, spicy,

or pies with actual curry in them?

Somewhere In My Heart by Aztec Camera

Cheers, love.

There you go.

What's going on, then? Have you not seen outside?

The place is swarming with Old Bill.

Oh, you not paid the TV licence again?

Mike, I am a marked man, and you know it.

I can't go back inside.

That month in solitary in Wakefield almost destroyed me.

Bigsy, you've never been to Wakefield, never mind prison.

You weren't there, mate. You weren't there.

No, neither were you. Short memory, you.

How do you think me and you met?

We met on a speed awareness course in Bridlington.

Oh, whatever.

Where've you been the last few days anyway?