BoJack Horseman

You got to get your shit together.

So you took some licks, but you're gonna bounce back,

because you're talented, you're smart,

and damn it, you're good.

You are a goddamn American treasure, you know that?

You are BoJack goddamn Horseman.

So get the hell off my lawn.

Oh.

Here I thought I was at the drive-through at Carl's Jr.

How much did I have to drink last night?

Last night? Oh, you've been on a bender

for the last two weeks, ever since you found out Diane

got engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter.

Diane got engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter?

- I need a drink. - No. No more drinking.

You've been out of control.

Princess Carolyn, look. I met John Stamos.

That is not John Stamos.

Hey, Princess Carolyn,

John Stamos and I got our ears pierced.

That is not your ear.

Princess Carolyn, John Stamos died.

Why? Why, God?

Why did you take John Stamos?

That doesn't sound so bad.

Oh, I forgot to mention you were naked for a lot of that.

Stamos!

Also, it wasn't here. It was at my office.

We thought night swimming would be fun,

but the current was too strong.

Oh, God, I wasn't driving around, was I?

No. You made Todd your designated driver,

but then you also made him drink with you.

Yeah, I'll have a western bacon cheeseburger.

BoJack, we are going to get you back on your feet.

All you need to do is get off Diane

and get on to something else.

- - Hello?

Tony, hi. I'm calling in that favor.

Get your crew to BoJack Horseman's house.

Can you be there in an hour?

- Yeah. - Great.

What just happened?

You're the new face of Guten Bourbon.

What is Guten Bourbon?

It's an urban German bourbon.

Am I just hungover, or are you talking like a Muppet?

They're looking for American celebrities

to talk about how much they like to drink.

It's the part you were born to play.

All you have to do is smile and stay upright.

I don't know. It sounds like a lot of work.

You take up 80% of my time with your drama

and make me 0% of my money.

Do the damn commercial.

7:00 A.M. Breakfast with Lenny Turteltaub.

Okay, I got to go. You're in charge, Todd.

Keep this dummy out of trouble.

Hooray, responsibility.

- - Hey.

Do you really believe all that stuff you said to me earlier

about me being smart and talented and good?

BoJack, I'm an agent. I believe everything I say.

Ah.

Hey, where the hell is that cheeseburger?

I ordered it, like, an hour ago.

Lenny Turteltaub, you skinny bitch.

How the hell are you?

I'm in a hurry, so I'll make this... snappy.

I got some great news about the picture

we're putting together.

- - Sorry. Hello?

Hey, I just wanted to thank you for getting me this job

and pulling me out of that oh-so-predictably BoJack

spiral of self-loathing and substance abuse.

- You really are the best. - I know. Talk to you later.

I feel like you see things in me that nobody else sees.

Yep, I'm pretty great. Got to go.

All this time, I never even...

BoJack, I'm in a very important breakfast right now.

- Okay. I got to go, too. - Sorry.

What's the great news?

- We got Braff. - You beautiful dickhead.

You finally got Zach Braff?

Ah, no other director has enough weight

to handle a movie about the last days of Eva Braun.

No shit, toots.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. There you go.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Everything's coming together.

With Braff directing,

my client Cate Blanchett starring,

and the great Lenny Turteltaub producing,

this movie is a done deal.

Look, honey, I been in this business a long time, okay?

Long time.

And as I once said to a young Ed Begley Sr.,

"It ain't a done deal till the deals are all done."

I'm the best agent in the biz.

I can seal these deals with my paws in my pants.

Well, then I'll say to you what I once said

to a young Buster Keaton, "What?"

Laura! What's happening?

- We're merging. - No shit. With what?

FME. A bunch of people got laid off,

and some of the FMEERS are already moving in.

It's all so sudden and unexpected.

- It was not handled well. -

Oh, shit. Don't tell me one of the new agents is...

Vanessa Gekko.

That slippery, slimy, cold-blooded, bug-eyed...

What's new, pussycat?

- Gekko. - In the flesh.

Ha ha. How are you?

What a morning, huh?

I was in the middle of my second soul cycle class

when I got the news.

- Can you imagine? - No.

I was so excited, I rushed home,

made love to my husband of 15 years,

made a hot breakfast for my three wonderful girls,

read to them, dropped them off at their elite private school,

and then got my ass here as quick as I could.

- Um, how old are your kids now? - I don't have any children.

Oh, well, it'll happen. You're still...

- Anyway... - Princess Carolyn.

I see you've already met a new member of the team.

- Vanessa Gekko, sir. - I know that.

This merger is very exciting.

- I'm pumped. - I'm beyond pumped.

You should be, or at least I think you should be.

It's hard to keep track of who's getting promoted

- and who's getting fired. - Oh.

You're probably fine or not. Who knows?

Ugh. What do you want, Todd?

Well, good news, bad news.

The bad news is that there actually is no good news,

and the other bad news is BoJack's gone.

What? Where did he go? The shoot is at his house.

He just disappeared. I don't even know why he'd leave.

This charcoal mellowed bourbon is so smooth,

every time I take a sip, pure happiness.

- That was amazing. - Really?

Can I get you to say that in a tuxedo?

Hey, I got to go. I think this is my big break.

Don't worry. I won't let it get to my head or anything.

Hey, who told that asshole he could sit in my chair?

Don't forget I'm your agent, too! I want 10%.

Hello, beautiful.

What the hell are you doing here?

You're supposed to be shooting a commercial.

I know, but I was sitting there drinking bourbon and...

They didn't give you fake bourbon on set?

Oh, they did, and then I just mixed it with bourbon.

And it hit me.

Why was I so upset about Diane getting engaged?

You're the one who's always been there for me,

so I drank a lot more bourbon

and drove over to tell you how I feel.

Oh, I see what this is.

Princess Carolyn, what are we doing?

Clearly we're in love with each other.

You're not in love with me. You're in love with Diane.

And you're not even really in love with her.

You just think you are because you pay her

to listen to you talk about yourself.

Diane getting engaged was the best thing

that ever happened to me.

It made me realize you're the one I need to be with.

Ha! You say that every time something bad happens.

Not getting nominated for a People's Choice Award

is the best thing that ever happened to me.

It made me realize...

Getting caught with that pound of cocaine

was the best thing that ever happened to me.

That hooker getting pregnant

was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Sneezing on Marisa Tomei was the best...

Every time something bad happens,

you come running to me for comfort.

Well, it's not gonna happen this time.

I can't be your agent and your girlfriend.

- It just doesn't work. -

I have Lenny Turteltaub for you.

- I have to take this. - Okay.

But remember, I'm coming for you,

and I'm gonna make you love me.

Please don't. Hey.

Bad news, P.C.

Braff used your merger as an opportunity to jump ship.

Aw, fish.

Now his new agent's asking for twice the money.

As I once said to a young Lionel Barrymore,

"Eh, shut up."

Without a director, Eva Braun is as dead as Eva Braun.

Yep. You got to get someone big.

- What about those brothers... - Hello? Hello?

Lady, you work too hard.

That was an important phone call.

Important phone call beep boop blorp.