Amy Schumer: Growing

Yes!

Thank you so much, Chicago.

Thank you.

I used to do something a lot of comics do.

I would blame my disgusting behavior on the city I was in.

You know how people would be like,

"Chicago, you got me so fucked up last night!" You know?

And the crowd was like, "Okay. We were not here last night."

"Denver!

You made me fuck that stranger, no condom. You're crazy, Denver!"

"Armed robbery?

Philly, you silly."

"No, ma'am. We are concerned for you."

That's all over now.

Because I'm fucking pregnant!

Yeah, I did it.

I'm amazing.

I laid there, and...

that's it.

Usually, when someone in the public eye gets pregnant,

there's, like, a couple of months

where there's some rumors about them, you know?

There's some, like, "Oop, bump alert!"

Right?

Uh-oh. Uh...

I was well into my second trimester.

Not one fucking rumor about me. Nothing.

I was photographed.

Belly out. They're like, "There's Amy!"

"Looking happy. I don't know.

Doing her." And then so once people knew, they were like, "Is she showing?"

They were like, "No more than normal. Kinda...

It just kinda looks like she took her Spanx off."

There are all these rules about pregnancy that are unsaid.

Where is it written that when you're pregnant,

you have to cup your little bump

in every picture?

It's so obnoxious, guys. Every picture.

Here...

It's all right. Some people do the two hand.

I was like, okay, fuck it.

I'll do it, but I'm going to do it for the rest of my life.

I'm going to be 90 years old like this, with a cigarette in my mouth like...

I do it. I cup the bump...

in pictures, but I just do it a little bit lower.

I just go right here.

'Cause this is the area that got me in trouble in the first place.

All the questions everyone... "What are you having?

Do you know what you're having?"

Hemorrhoids.

Any other questions?

Why do they ask, "What are you craving? What are you craving?

Are you craving anything?"

Cock!

Just me and my angel.

People always want to see the bump. That's like the thing.

"Just show me that fucking bump, bitch."

And my belly button is getting so misshapen with this baby inside

that I had to put two Band-Aids over my belly button tonight.

That's more than you bargained for, right?

Somebody's neglecting their bikini area.

I...

I'll tell you who it's not fun to be pregnant at the exact same time as.

Meghan Markle.

I think we're, like, to the day the same amount pregnant.

And she's out there in, like, six-inch heels,

adorable outfits, and she has like... There's been no bump.

Like, there's been...

She, like, cups where the bump will be, you know. She's like...

"Here.

Here's where the baby will be."

People see me, they're like, "The last couple of weeks are the hardest, right?

Are you crowning? I think I can see an ear.

Is that an ear?"

If I were Meghan Markle...

and I am...

'Cause she hangs out with the Queen now.

Like, they hang out and have conversations.

If I were Meghan,

no matter what the Queen asked me,

and I can't do a great British accent, but, you know, if she said something like,

"La, la, la.

Oh! Pip-pip!

Would you like a spot of lemon?" Like probably exactly that, she probably says.

No matter what,

if I were Meghan, I would answer everything she asks with,

"Yas, Queen!

Yas."

I just came so close to shitting myself. You guys don't...

This special almost became a real special. That would have...

What would I have done? Kind of just kicked it, and...

trusted that you guys would be cool. Is that what I would have done?

I have not had an easy pregnancy.

I have hyperemesis, which I'd never even heard of.

It's extreme nausea and vomiting.

If you've ever had food poisoning, it's that.

I've had that every day for five months.

No, and people are like, "You're so strong. Look at you out there.

You're on the road."

I'm contractually obligated to be out here, guys.

I'm not like, "I don't care. The show must go on."

I'm like, "I will be sued by Live Nation."

That's why I'm here.

But I feel pretty good tonight, to be honest with you, so...

I didn't throw up today.

Uh... Yeah, but I didn't know that being pregnant could be really hard. Like...

I didn't know that because you bitches all lie about it.

Women don't tell you how hard it is.

I should have Googled it. I should have Googled being pregnant.

'Cause it's been really awful. 'Cause in movies, they don't show you.

There's just a montage where the girl's in her office and she's typing,

and then she's like...

And she runs to the bathroom, she throws up once!

And then in the next scene, she's in overalls painting a barn.

Like, "Yay!"

You know?

I throw up an exorcist amount every day.

And I feel like,

you know, if you had a good pregnancy,

if you're someone who enjoyed being pregnant,

I just hope your car flips over. That's...

That's what I wish for you.

Your car kind of Chappaquiddicks into a lake, and you just kinda...

...slowly...

drown.

Is that fair to say? Because here's the thing.

You're pregnant, but you don't change.

I hate women who start to act really just precious and like, "Yes, now I'm...

I'm a saint, and I never...

I never had sex in a bathroom on a train," you know?

We've all had sex in the bathroom on a train.

You don't stop being you, you know.

You don't stop working or drinking. Like, you...

You know?

I've gotten in the habit of asking, uh,

friends' recommendations and advice about pregnancy

until I get the answer I want.

You know what I mean?

I asked my most responsible friend, she's a nurse.

I was like, "So, wine...

what do you think?

Should I just have some, or what do you think?

While I'm pregnant. Wine?

Definitely have some, or what do you think?"

And...

And she was like, "You know what? Just skip it.

Just be safe, you know?" And I was like,

"Yes, that's what I thought,

but I wanted to hear you say it, so now I'll tell other people

not to drink ever while they're pregnant. Thank you." Huh!

Good.

That's done with. And then...

You know, and then I asked, like, a little more lenient of a friend. I'm like...

"Hey, what are your thoughts on drinking wine while you're pregnant?"

She's like, "A glass a week is fine. Like, that's probably fine."

I'm like, "That's better. That makes sense. That's good.

You're smart." And then...

Then you ask your kind of biggest dirtbag, deadbeat friend, you know?

She's like, "Once you start getting, like, fucked up, stop drinking." I'm like...

Mm-hmm!

No, I haven't even wanted...

wine.

That's how I know this baby is not mine.

This baby is a lie.

No, it's mine, and...

I'm pretty sure the guy who got me pregnant

is my husband 'cause I got married, yay!

I married a chef because I'm a fucking genius.

Right?

Do you guys like food?

That's what he makes.

Yeah. I love it.

Marrying a chef, it's like a little on-the-nose for me.

It's kind of like Snoop marrying weed.

I love him. It's real. Um...

The proposal was wack.

Uh...

He proposed to me in the morning.

That's, like, when people in a nursing home get engaged. Like...

Not, like, at sunrise. I was still asleep. I was sleeping,

and I sleep like I'm still in the womb.

Earplugs, eye mask...

my mom's legs around my shoulders. Like...

You know? Recreate.

Every morning, I'm born and...

So I'm...

in the womb, and he comes in,

and I just took one ear plug out. I was like...

And he kind of threw the ring box at me, and he goes, "I got you this."

And I open it, and...

And he goes,

"Do you want me to get down on one knee?" and I was like,

"I guess not."

And then I went back to sleep.

That's the truth. That's a real ass proposal, though. That's like a real...

You know?

'Cause, like, in movies and TV shows,

the guy always gets down on one knee, right?

And the girl's always shocked.

"I didn't even know you liked me!