White Gold

Maureen?

Nigel?

Hello?

Fucking hell, Brian!

- Ronnie?! - Brian, I'm glad it's you.

Look, I wanted you to hear this from me first.

I'm seeing Maureen.

Oh!

Well, that's really decent of you, RJ.

I mean, your dick is barely out of my wife, but I appreciate

you being straight with me.

Fucking hell!

Get out before I call the police, you dirty little pervert.

I wasn't perving.

I thought you were out walking Nigel.

Usually, I can't get anywhere near the house

with the Hound of Hell on the prowl.

I had to give him a Valium earlier because he's taken a dislike to RJ.

Why couldn't you sedate him all those times he was terrorising me?

Because I didn't want him getting addicted to drugs!

Besides, it's funny, and I hate you.

Close the door on your way out, you pervert.

Oh, Brian?

Is it all right if I get a lift to work tomorrow?

Mum!

At least someone's pleased to see me. How was your day, sweetheart?

Good. I got my 11 Plus results back.

So, how did you do?

Failed, not even close.

Rob, it's nothing to be pleased about.

It is! Now I don't have to go to Gaylord Grammar School.

- What? - Get in the fucking car.

Oh, Sally, leave Mr Lavender alone.

Oh, call me Martin, please. It's OK.

She likes the smell of the anaesthetic cream.

What happened to your feet?

Oh, second-degree sunburn. Yeah.

Mad dogs and Englishmen, eh?

- Sorry? - Er, go out in the midday sun.

Sensible people, however, can enjoy sunshine any time

through one of our UV protected, double glazed conservatories.

I think I should put Sally out in the kitchen.

Oh honestly, it's not a problem. I love dogs.

Argh!

UHHH!

Oh!

Oh!

Linda.

Linda.

Linda! Hello? It's me, Sam.

Oh, hi, Sam. Sorry.

Completely in a world of my own, there.

Yeah, I know that feeling. Is Patricia celebrating something?

Oh, this? It's for the Live Aid party tomorrow.

Well, you've got enough bunting there for a street party.

Oh, yeah, well, it's practically the whole street.

- Sorry, you don't know about it, do you? - No, don't be daft.

I've, er, been in Malta for the past week, so she's probably not had

- a chance to tell us about it. - Yeah.

I'd better dash, I must get this cheesecake in the fridge.

Patricia can't stand a soggy biscuit bottom.

Well, you'd better get your soggy bottom to Patricia's, then.

Yeah, I'll see you.

I know he's dead.

How convenient.

Hey, come on.

I'm not going to let you think like that.

You've got to stay positive, yeah?

Look, here.

Head down the Horse, get us a couple of pints in.

I'll be right behind you.

I just need to have a quick word with the boss.

Thanks, Brian.

I don't know what I would've done without you this last week.

All right.

And Maureen, obviously.

But that's mainly on the physical side of things.

All right, yeah.

Walshy, just to let you know, I'm going off to fire RJ.

Blimey, talk about kicking a man when he's down!

Is this about Maureen?

No, no. God, no.

No, he deserves a medal for taking on that lunatic.

No, this is purely a business decision.

Now that his old man's brown bread, we don't have to worry

about any repercussions for sacking that fucking liability.

So you really think Ronnie's dead?

About as dead as RJ's career in sales.

Well, well. This could be the best news I've had in ages.

Do me a favour, hold fire on sacking RJ, will you?

Oh, what? Come on!

You've seen him in action.

Yesterday, he told a couple in harrowing fucking detail

how their toddler could be baked alive in one of our conservatories.

I don't fucking care. He stays.

What's Live Aid?

- You really don't know what Live Aid is? - No.

Would it help me sell more windows if I did?

You are unbelievable, Vincent.

You know what? I'm just trying to figure out why you think

it's MY fault Pat's got a bug up her arse.

It's not a bug. It's a bloody leaking conservatory,

which you put there.

Anyway, I'm more pissed off with Robbie at the moment

for blowing his 11 Plus.

Which is why starting a new life in Spain is exactly the right thing

- for us, baby. - Are you bloody joking?

It's a big opportunity, Sam.

You said yourself, what's there to miss about this place?

I can't just take the kids out of school.

Nat's got her O-levels coming up, and Robbie deliberately

failed his 11 Plus by so much, he's probably going to be

reclassified as special fucking needs.

Calm down, baby, all right?

There's bound to be good schools in Marbella.

Really?

I'll tell you what's bound to be.

You're bound to screw over and alienate everyone we meet

in Spain, just like you have here.

And as always, muggins here will be left picking up the pieces.

Sorry to interrupt.

Martin was rushed into Basildon Hospital this morning.

Huh! Never apologise for bringing good news, Carol.

When are you going to grow up, Vincent?

Yeah, all right, I'll call you back.

Oh, hiya, Sam.

Have you heard about Martin?

You must be worried sick. I know you two are close.

Robbie, darling, go and get in the car.

You listen to me, Jo.

I don't know why you never had kids.

Either you're an ambitious cunt, or a barren one.

But don't ever underestimate how protective a mother

can be when she finds her family threatened.

- What? - Oh, you heard.

She knows about us.

I can assure you, if Sam knew about us, there'd be no us.

What's got you so jumpy?

Doesn't matter.

What did you want to see me about?

Run away with me to Spain.

Ha! Well, shall we at least get married in Gretna Green first,

- my love? - I'm not joking.

Well, it sounds wonderful, but aren't you forgetting one thing?

It starts with Sam, ends in your children.

I've been going through the motions with Sam for the last year.

Malta was the final nail in the coffin.

Why stay here and slug it out in front of my kids,

when I could be in Marbella, waking up next to your beautiful,

tanned body every morning?

Well, you might be ready for early retirement, Vincent,

- but I'm just getting started. - No-one mentioned retirement.

What's this?

I've been headhunted by some big time-share players.

The money they're chucking about makes the returns in

double glazing look like loose change.

We're talking five figure bonuses.

Shit, you're serious?

Yes, and they would bite my fucking arm off if I brought someone

with your sales credentials along for the ride.

Come on, baby.

We'd be the king and queen of time-share.

What d'you think?

King and queen of time-share?

Well, seeing as this is probably my last chance of marrying

into royalty, I could be persuaded.

Oh! Sam, you're back.

Look, Pat, I'm here because Robbie failed his 11 Plus.

And I'm bloody mortified to have to do this,

but you did say there could be other avenues to explore.

Hm, yes, I remember.

Unfortunately, those avenues have now turned into a cul-de-sac.

A cul-de-sac where the Swans are no longer welcome.

So, if that's everything, Sam, goodbye.

It's all moving so fast.

Dad's disappearance.

Falling in love with Maureen.

You love her?

It's moved beyond just physical lust into something

I can only describe as...

...deeply spiritual.

She's my soulmate.

I mean, the sex hasn't slowed up.

If anything, it's getting dirtier.

The other day, she managed to get her big toe into my arseh...

Whoa! All right, listen, while I'm delighted for you two lovebirds,

we are still married.

So...

...boundaries, yeah?

She asked me to move in the other day, but I told her no.

Cos you were worried what I might do?

No, I'm not worried about YOU at all.

Yeah...

Now, if we can just pretend for a second that my feelings aren't irrelevant,

I think it's a great idea.

You know, it's about time I moved out the shed.

The only problem is, if I leave,

I'm still on the hook for half the mortgage,

so if you moved in and paid rent, problem solved!

Well, it might be a cosy solution to your problems,