Isla Monstro

I took out the communications tower.

You, uh, triggered the nukes, right?

Ugh.

Come on, just take the damn coin.

Just-- Come on, you stingy, snack stealing son of a bitch!

Ooooh.

Hmm? What the hell is 'new gat'?

I think it's pronounced nougat.

If that helps.

Shit!

Yeah, I think I know how to press a button, you dick.

It's done.

It, pow, blew up. It's gone.

We don't have any more monsters, alright?

Would you like a nougat?

No, no, wait! Please!

Don't eat the--

rockfish.

All right, folks, feast your eyes on the most

terrifying, death defying, unlicensed, unbelievable and uninsured

magic act that you'll ever find

this side of the seven Caribbeans.

Watch in wonder at the never ending scarf.

Meet Flappo the magic bird.

Oh, shit. Seriously?

Ugh. Fucking... Goddammit.

Okay, this time I'm going to introduce you to my magic rabbit,

Mister Fuzzybottom!

Get off the stage!

RABBIT!

Where the fuck is the end of this thing?

What the shit, Duke?

Not again.

How many times do we have to do this?

You are mistaking, madam, for I am Duke the Daunting,

World-class magistrate.

All right, all right.

Get a move on, Harry Potter.

It's all part of the show, folks.

Tip your waiters.

This show blows!

Hey, fuck you, kid. You know how many rabbits

you gotta kill to become a magician?

Get! Move!

-I'm good, I'm good. -Dude!

You've been fired from how many jobs on this ship

and you keep showing up.

Hey, man. I'm good.

It's seven! Seven jobs.

And I can't keep covering for you.

Come on, Casey.

That rabbit trick kills every time.

Duke, I know you mean well, but,

dude, you gotta get your shit together.

Hey, once we get to the Dominican Republic, I'm gone.

I promise. Everything's great.

I've got a plan.

Yeah! Always the man with the plan.

It's just too bad, your plans are shit.

Last chance.

Last chance.

And on to the next.

And, cancel.

-Oh shit! -Duke!

I'm sorry, but your number is no longer in cervix.

So where the fuck is my money?

El Feo, I had no idea it was you.

My name is Tony Alabama.

You know this! I'm an infamous Miami drug dealer.

And you borrowed $100,000 of my money

and have yet to pay it back.

I thought it was an El Feo?

Yeah, that was before I discovered what that means.

Oh, but it's on your business cards.

Elmira, you be quiet.

I thought it was Liliana?

I'm, I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong number.

Do I? Seriously? Luis?

Is this the right number? He says it's wrong.

What the fuck, man?

Me, senor, he is just messing with you.

We can see him on the satellite.

That's totally not me.

You have one week.

-Then we come for your legs! -These legs?

Because that is what the infamous Miami drug lords do.

Auf Wiedersehen.

But these are my favorite legs.

Okay. Man with the plan.

I just need to get back 100 grand.

And then I-- AHHHH!

Oh--Where? Where am I?

Hello.

I pulled you out of the ocean. I thought you were--

I'm Sam.

Oh. That's gnarly.

Oh. Oh, sorry.

I haven't seen you around this quadrant.

What the fuck is this? Is this Heaven?

Oh, I hope not.

See, my heaven would have more peanut butter cups.

We have a ton of MREs though.

Oh, Hell then. Yeah.

I'm in Hell.

Yeah, most probably.

There's no Reese's at all. So--

So...

Where did you come from?

It's okay. Nothing to fear. I'm American.

But I'm American, too.

Yeah, you wish pal.

Wait. Are you a normo?

Who told you that?

I mean, you aren't a mutant?

From your shocked expression, I can only assume that you are a mutant?

I kid you not.

Everybody here at Fort Montana is.

Fort-- Montana?

Oh, bitchin.

Hang on. I've got to show you something

I've always wanted to show someone.

Oh, shit.

Check out this bodacious, state-of-the-art viewing station.

Uh-huh.

Oh. Hello there.

I'm actor and gifted chef, Vincent Price,

and I wanted to welcome you to Fort Montana.

Located in the beautiful middle of the United States of America-

occupied Caribbean.

Within these walls are contained

the most state-of-the-art equipment known to man.

Have you heard of the compact disc?

Oh, trust me, you will.

And it will never go away.

You hear me, God? Never!

When the hell was this recorded?

Shh! We're getting to the awesome part.

An expansion of the military's Stargate project

in conjunction with DARPA,

the scientists here have successfully discovered ways

to enhance the human genome, giving our straight, pure blooded,

mostly male American soldiers the significant edge

they need to slam those Soviets right back to Siberia.

The future of warfare, my friends, is in genetics.

None of them were successful.

What is this place?

Well, he just explained it. I'll rewind.

Might put a little wear and tear on the old VHS, but--

Where'd he come from?

Ah. Not again.

What's the safe word? Field hockey? Shit!

Is it field hockey?

Whoa! Hey, it's all right.

Everything is fine. You're okay.

Hey spaz. I just need you to stay still.

Oh. Finally, some normalcy.

I don't think we've met. I'm Duke.

This'll only hurt for a minute.

Wait, what? WHAAAAAAAA!

It's true.

Whoa. That was intense.

What was your name again?

-Mistress what? -Dyanna.

All right. Mistress Dyanna.

Just Dyanna.

My apologies, Mistress!

Told you he's a normo.

But we haven't seen a normal in--

Well, I stopped counting the years.

Yeah. Island of freaks. No, norms got it anyway.

When's the next ferry off this rock?

Ferry? No, I'm sorry to say, we've all been stuck here.

No one's ever gotten off the island.

Ha-ha. Ho-ho. Is this a prank show?

Where's the camera? Okay, you got me.

Was it Cliff? You son of a bitch, Cliff!

You got me good, motherfucker.

Cliff isn't here, is he?

I don't think so.

Never heard of a Cliff.

Well, shit.

Shit.

So how is this place not leaked?

I can get naked pictures of the Avengers with the click of a button on my watch.

But I've never heard of this place.

It was deemed classified in 1980.

I don't think the government like the idea of experimentation

on its own people getting out.

So they just left you here for 40 years?

The project was deemed a failure and abandoned.

Well, if everyone's got goofy eyestalks sticking out of their melons

-I'd have to agree. -Burn.

Although one of us can see his own asshole without looking in the mirror.

But it wasn't a failure at all.

Well, except for that one.

That's definitely a failure.

Oh, yeah. Spawn of nightmares.

Have you ever heard of a shambling mound?

What is that? A punk band from England.

I don't dig Euro-punk.