A Night at the Opera

- The gentleman has not arrived? - No, he has not.

I'm afraid the dinner will be spoiled.

What difference does it make? It's too late to dine now.

Boy, will you page Mr. Otis B. Driftwood, please?

Paging Mr. Driftwood!

Mr. Driftwood!

Do me a favor and stop yelling my name all over this restaurant.

- Do I go around yelling your name? - Mr. Driftwood!

Is your voice changing, or is somebody else paging me?

- Mr. Driftwood! - Why, Mrs. Claypool, hello!

You invited me to dine with you at 7:00.

It is now 8:00, and no dinner.

No dinner? I just had one of the biggest meals of my life...

and no thanks to you, either.

- I've been sitting right here since 7:00. - With your back to me.

When I dine with a woman, I expect her to look at my face.

- That's the price she has to pay. - Your check, sir.

$9.40? This is an outrage! If I were you, I wouldn't pay it.

- What are we gonna have for dinner? - You've had your dinner.

All right, we'll have breakfast.

- Waiter! - Yes, sir.

- Have you got any milk-fed chicken? - Yes, sir.

Squeeze the milk out of one and bring me a glass.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Driftwood, three months ago, you promised to put me into society.

In all that time, you've done nothing but draw a very handsome salary.

You think that's nothing? How many men do you think draw a handsome salary?

You can count them on the fingers of one hand, my good woman.

- I'm not your good woman! - Don't say that, Mrs. Claypool.

I don't care what your past has been.

To me, you'll always be my good woman, because I love you.

There. I didn't mean to tell you but you dragged it out of me.

I love you.

That's hard to believe when I find you dining with another woman.

That woman? Do you know why I sat with her?

Because she reminded me of you.

- Really? - Of course.

That's why I'm here with you, because you remind me of you.

Your eyes, your throat, your lips.... Everything about you reminds me of you...

except you.

How do you account for that? She figures that out, she's good.

Mr. Driftwood, I think we'd better keep everything on a business basis.

Every time I get romantic with you, you want to talk business.

I don't know. There's something about me that brings out the business in all women.

All right, we'll talk business. You see that man eating spaghetti?

- No. - You see the spaghetti, don't you?

Behind that spaghetti is none other than Herman Gottlieb...

director of the New York Opera Company.

- Do you follow me? - Yes.

Stop following me, or I'll have you arrested!

I've arranged for you to invest $200,000 in the New York Opera Company.

I don't understand.

Don't you see? You'll be a patron of the opera.

You'll get into society.

You can marry me, and they'll kick you out of society...

and all you've lost is $200,000.

Gottlieb. Allow me.

Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb.

I could go on all night, but it's tough on my suspenders.

Where was I?

What are you doing?

If you four people want to play bridge, don't mind me, go right ahead.

Mrs. Claypool, I'm so happy.

I just wanted to see if your rings were still there.

You're as charming as you are beautiful.

I'm afraid you've used that speech before, Mr. Gottlieb.

Now listen here, Gottlieb, making love to Mrs. Claypool is my racket.

What you're after is $200,000.

Make it sound plausible, because incredible as it may seem...

Mrs. Claypool isn't as big a sap as she looks.

How's that for lovemaking?

I think the Europeans do it better.

All right, Gottlieb, it's your turn. You take a whack at her...

and keep it clean.

Mrs. Claypool, it is most generous of you to help us.

Now, you have, of course, heard of Rodolfo Lassparri.

- Of course. - He is the greatest tenor since Caruso.

Tonight, with the money you so generously provide...

I sign Lassparri for the Opera Company.

He will be a sensation. All New York will be at your feet.

There's plenty of room.

And now, the opera awaits us.

If you both will honor me by occupying my box.

I should be charmed.

- And you, Mr. Driftwood? - I'll join up with you later.

Listen, Gottlieb, nix on the lovemaking, because I saw Mrs. Claypool first.

Of course, her mother really saw her first, but why bring the Civil War into this?

What are you doing in my costume?

Take it off at once, do you hear? Immediately.

Why, you....

Take that off.

Take off that dress, do you hear me? You dumb idiot.

You do what I say, or I'll break your neck!

Do you hear me? Take off that dress.

If I get my hands on you, you'll never hear the end of this!

You're no longer my dresser, you're fired! Get out!

Get out, do you hear me? Out you go. And don't come back in here again.

Don't you care. You're lucky to be rid of him.

- Good evening, Rosa. - Good evening, signore.

Tomasso, why don't you come in? I've been waiting for you.

Are they not beautiful, signorina ? From Signor Lassparri.

I wouldn't wear them if they were the only flowers in the world.

- Come in! - Not if you use that tone.

Let's try the whole thing all over again. Only this time, try to be more cordial.

- Come in. - That's better. Let's try it once more.

No, Ricky. You're such a fool.

- What was it you wanted to see me about? - I suppose I sent for you?

You meant to. Didn't she, Marie?

It's the last night of the season, and I'm more in love with you than ever.

- What will you do about it? - We have all summer to talk that over.

- Tonight, we have to sing an opera. - You have to sing an opera.

- I'm nothing but a glorified chorus man. - Don't say that.

I've got to say it. I've got something else to say.

What are you doing tonight, unless that ham Lassparri asked you first.

- He has asked me first. - Just my luck.

But I'm having supper with you, Riccardo.

Hooray! We'll have champagne, music, flowers....

"Lassparri."

No flowers.

- Fiorello! - Tony!

- Where have you been all these weeks? - Here, there, different places.

- Got some mail for me? - Mail for you? You don't work here.

Where am I gonna get my mail? I no work anyplace.

Tomasso!

Not so good. Don't be so glad.

I brought you present. You got something for me, too?

What do you got?

Where's Riccardo? All right.

What are you doing here? I thought you were with the circus.

The circus? When was I with the circus?

I nearly forgot. That was a long time ago, last week.

Since then I have lots of jobs.

Your piano and my voice.

All those years we studied at the conservatory, and what's come of it?

What's a matter with you? We're still young. We've got our health.

You hear that? Someday, Riccardo, you're gonna be where Lassparri is.

When you were 6 years old, you sing better than Lassparri.

Maybe I was better at six than I am now.

You make me sick. You crazy.

You sing better than he ever could sing and you know it.

I know it and you know it, but the public doesn't know it.

- All right. We tell the public. - How?

What you need is a manager.

A wise guy, somebody who's very smart.

- I know just the man for you. - You do? Who is it?

Me!

- But you wouldn't make any money at it. - I'll break even.

Just as long as I no lose nothing.

- Is the opera over yet? - Not yet, signore , in a few minutes.

I told you to slow that nag down.

On account of you, I nearly heard the opera.

Once around the park, and drive slowly. And none of your back talk.

You're still crazy about her?

And she's crazy about you, too?

Even if she was, I couldn't ask her to marry me.

Don't worry. The manager, he'll fix everything.

Anyhow, we're together again...

- you and me, just like old times. - Yeah, like old times.

Yeah, you bet my life.

If you pardon my saying so, Mrs. Claypool...

Mr. Driftwood seems hardly the person to handle your business affairs.

- I'm beginning to think the same thing. - Bravo!

I made it. How soon does the curtain go up?

The curtain, Mr. Driftwood, will go up again next season.

- You've missed the entire opera. - I only missed it by a few minutes.

I can go then?

Was I right? Isn't Lassparri the greatest tenor that ever lived?

He's superb. But what would you have to pay him?

What's the difference?

He must sail with us tomorrow no matter what we pay.

- He would be worth $1,000 a night. - How much?

- What does he do? - What does he do, he sings.

You're willing to pay him $1,000 a night just for singing?

You can get a phonograph record of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents.

For $1.25, you can get Minnie.

If you'll excuse me, Mrs. Claypool...

I think I had better arrange to see Lassparri immediately.

- You are agreed, $1,000 a night? - Just as you think.

$1,000. There must be some way I can get a piece of this.

Wait. Why don't I sign Lassparri? I represent Mrs. Claypool.

But I represent the New York Opera Company.

Boy? Will you give my card to Signor Lassparri, please?

What is it? What do you want?

- Rosa. - Yes, signore ?

My good friend Herman Gottlieb is coming back to see me.

How would you like to have supper with us?

I'm terribly sorry, Signor Lassparri, I already have an engagement.

I see.

That's too bad, because I have an idea...

he's going to invite me to sing in New York.

And he may permit me to select my leading lady.

Are you sure you can't break your appointment?

I'm terribly sorry, signore.

What do you mean by humiliating me in front of those people?

You're fired, do you understand?

You big bully, why are you hitting that little bully?

Will you kindly let me handle my own affairs?

Get out. What do you got to say to me?

Can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas?

Why, you....