Poker Face

Hey, Ruby. Rube!

Yeah, I know, Mike.

"Staplehead."

Your hit. That was your hit, yeah?

This was it.

Mike: Fucking turn it up!

Ruby: You don't have to, alright.

Mike: Doxxxology.

Fuck yeah!

I had this on CD.

Back in the day.

My daughter tells me I'm too old to rock,

but I say bullshit.

I work with Ruby Ruin!

Respect you, lady.

-Hey, Victor. -Hey.

Tour time again.

You interested in some roadie work for a few weeks?

Man the merch table?

No. Sorry.

Man: (on PA) Ruby, you have a visitor

in the break room.

Hey. Uh, drummer, right?

Thanks for answering the ad.

I'm Ruby.

Yes, you are.

Wow.

This is ama-- I'm Gavin.

Wow. Nice to meet you.

This is fucking amazing, dude, I'm...

Okay.

I've just been a diehard Doxxx fan

since I was, like, two years old.

Dude, this is fuckin' badass.

My mom said she'd catch me banging

my sippy cup to "Staplehead."

Just aaah!

Wow. That's--

Gavin: When I saw the listing

to be the drummer of Doxxxology

on fucking Craigslist,

I was just, just what, dude, fucking...

Alright, we leave Monday, a three-week tour,

mostly bars and small venues,

but it'll give us time to tighten up the act,

maybe write a few new songs,

'cause we end the tour in Milwaukee,

at the Lariat, opening for Krampus.

Holy shit, you're opening for Krampus.

Yo, that's, that's badass, man.

-Ruby: Yeah, it's a big deal. -But hey...

if you guys are looking to freshen up

your material at all,

I do a little bit of, like, writing of my own stuff--

And you got your own gear?

Yeah, I've got a TAMA kit with a double bass pedal

and a vintage amp, so everything you need.

Great. But wait, no,

what the fuck do you need an amp for?

I blow my backing vocals through my fuzz pedal,

and it gives it like this,

this crunchy, chewy, disgusting...

-(growling) -Good. Fine.

Fine. You're in.

-I'm in? -You're in.

Holy shit, dude.

Look at me now, motherfuckers!

This is gonna rock so fucking hard.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I will not let you down, I promise you.

Alright, RV leaves Monday. I'll send you the deets.

Gavin, we're all in our 40s.

Just take a fucking bath.

Take a bath. Aaahhhh!

I'm not joking.

Okay.

Al! Al. God. Stop.

That's awful. God.

How's the divorce going, bro?

Not good.

The lyrics are temporary.

I just slug out whatever's in my head,

we can zhuzh it up later.

There's no zhuzhing. It's a turd.

I don't want to zhuzh the turd.

We have three weeks, man.

We got to come up with something that's going

to pop at this Krampus show.

What's the point?

They're just gonna want to hear "Staplehead."

The point, Eskie, is that I'm not ready

to lay down and die as some fucking nostalgia act.

Are you?

I just moved back in with my mom,

and I got my AARP membership this year.

So it's been a banner year for me.

And Al with his divorce.

It's not going well.

-And you think law school is gonna-- -Eskie: Law school?

You think I can afford law school?

It's an online MSL degree.

I can't even afford to sell out.

It's desperate times, Rube.

Piling in this shitty van year after year

for the rest of our lives,

driving around playing Irish pubs.

I swear to Christ, I'm gonna start crying

I really think about it.

Ruby: The goal is not this.

The goal is to get back.

To have shit acts like Krampus opening for us.

That feeling on stage, the crowd,

do you remember that?

We're metal gods.

What would you do to get that back?

Anything.

-Anything. -Ruby: Anything.

We need to do this.

And all we need,

all we need is to write one new song

that doesn't suck.

I had a kind of a doomy sort of riff in A,

try this.

That's not bad.

Geez, where'd you get this kid?

Juilliard.

Really?

Fucking Craigslist.

Where do you think?

That's wild.

Let's see if Cleveland rocks!

So this tape line goes right here.

-Man: Okay. -Not here.

-Man: Mm-hmm. -And not here.

-Man: Okay. -So I, so I don't hunch.

-Man: Alright. -I got a sciatica.

-I can't hunch. -Okay.

Maggie May,

I ain't seen one of these since Foghat.

Battle Creek, show us your metal!

-(laughter) -("Benson" theme song playing)

Fuckin' Benson, man.

Al: Two, three, and...

-Alright. Okay. -There's no bridge yet.

Fuck a bridge. What are we, Christopher Cross?

Just power through it.

What do you think? There's something there?

Deuteronomy, what do you think? Something there?

I got my audiobooks on.

Hey, kid, what do you think?

Why don't you guys just try to write another song

like "Staplehead"?

I mean, "Staplehead." That song is, um, good.

So just try and, you know...

make another song like that.

Why don't I just fucking traipse into the fucking forest

and capture a bejeweled fucking Pegasus?

That would be rad too.

Every second of every day,

I try and write a song like "Staplehead."

I remember the first time I heard it,

that feeling was like a needle made of ice

going into my brain.

Like seeing the face of God

and fucking God saying,

"That's what a fucking hit feels like."

I've been chasing that feeling for the past 20 years

and never come close.

"Staplehead"'s a fucking curse.