My Man Is a Loser (My Man is a Loser)

This, my friends, is New York City,

the most populous city in the United States.

8.2 million people,

4. 72 million of which are married.

One of which is not me. Why?

Because it's New York City and I own a bar,

which is sort of like being, you know, my own episode of The Bachelor.

Now there is my brother- in- law Paul.

That look on his face is called "Married, lost and how did I get here?"

Sorry. Hell-

And that guy right there, that handsome kid, that's me, Mike.

Why do my friends come to me for advice?

Because when you're this single, trust me, you've seen it all.

I'll get a hotel.

What? No, come in. This is Amy.

Laura.

I gotta crash for the night.

For sure. Come on.

- You okay? - I don't know.

I hate to say it,

but the second some men put on a wedding ring,

it cuts off all circulation to the brain.

It's like... He pretends to listen,

but then I could literally quiz him

about what I just said and he would have no idea.

Well, I'm not good at taking tests, okay, that's a real thing. You can google it.

I don't have to, Paul.

Well, you should, because it's real.

There are three paths to a healthy relationship.

There's the path she's on, which you need to respect,

and then there's you, yourself...

Okay, well, here's the problem.

I don't know what my path is. Okay?

I lost sight of what my path was or is or where it was going.

- I've been path- fucked. - Wow! See?

Okay, this is what I'm talking about.

- Who says that? - I do.

There are these things that should stay inside your head,

but instead they keep coming out into the outside world.

Oh, my God, well, we're in therapy so I figured, you know, call me crazy,

I could speak my mind, but I guess I can't. I should be censored.

Do you have a gag for me? Okay?

You wanna hear what really goes on with me?

You wanna know my inside voice? If I may? If I'm allowed to?

My business is down 25%, okay?

I know, it's not your problem, I understand.

It doesn't stop her spending like wildfire, which I'd like to get to in a second.

But here's the bottom line. I sent my daughter to private school.

I'll pay for that, I get it. Education is important.

But now I have to pay for singing lessons, piano and dance!

And you know why?

Because apparently my daughter is going to be the next Idol,

- or Voice or Duets at $1,600 a month! - We should nurture her gift.

- Nurture? We're not the Jackson 5! - It is rare...

Okay, time out, time out! Time out.

Take a breath.

You, too, Paul.

Good. I hear your financial concerns, Paul, I really do.

And I hear you wanting to be heard.

I think you're making great progress,

so we'll just take up where we left off next week at this time.

Okay, well, just give me 30 more seconds,

because I want to finish the point I started with in the beginning.

I'm sorry.

It doesn't work that way.

See the secretary on the way out,

and just stay positive all week,

and really... I'm really pleased.

Okay. Well, that's good news.

All that laughing and all that stuff.

I could have gotten to the fifth path.

Well, fortunately for you, there's only three paths.

Just three. Three.

There's hers. Yours.

And yours and hers, together.

Now, Paul's not the only one who needs help.

Meet Marty, Paul's business partner and my good friend.

Did you make sure Alex got his chips in the bag?

He's the CEO of a large marketing company.

A big- shot in the business world,

but at home, he's just another schmuck making PB&J.

He's all chipped up. What are you doing?

- And his Fruit Roll- Up? - All rolled up.

We got all the food groups.

I got the fruit group, the bread group and the peanut butter group. He's all set.

Marty, my family wanted to have dinner with us later.

So if you could make that happen, that'd be great.

No, well, I got a hockey game, sweets.

So now hockey's more important than dinner with my family?

No, I didn't say that, it's just that the team needs me.

I wish they didn't, but they do.

I mean, the squad can't win without me.

Yeah. Okay. Well.

Maybe after the scouts see you then you'll have some free time.

Yeah, well, you know there was a time when I thought

the pro scouts would be calling.

And there was a time that I thought I'd be 5'9".

Don't think I didn't notice you skipping out on the jelly

on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Taking lazy to a whole new level.

No, no. It's just that Alex's taste buds are changing,

he doesn't love jelly as much as he used to.

Yeah, he told you that?

- Who? - Excuse me?

Fine, but it happens to boys. You know, it happened to me.

I went through a heavy gefilte fish phase.

I used to hate it, now I love it.

Marty, jelly. Please.

I wrote a song. Do you want to hear it?

- Now? - Yeah.

It's about getting roofied and waking up not that upset.

I know it's a weird topic, but...

You can't write a great song without pain.

Well, that's not necessarily true.

I mean, Madonna came from an upper- class family,

McCartney had a very good relationship with his father,

and Alice Cooper, nice Jewish boy, likes to play golf.

- Golf is a... - Shut up. Just listen, okay?

Sleeping through sex Wasn't as bad as I thought

He took me like a criminal And I was caught

I'm asleep yet happy Unconscious, not sad

Life can be happy Don't have to be sad

So somebody call the cops

Or not

Very melodic. I like the words, the rhyme...

Prostitution is a viable option

As I ponder my thoughts

Go deep into my psyche Do I really like me?

Fuck the world as it stands today!

You have a gift. You have a gift.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Do you think you can get me a record deal?

Record deal? Who does she think she's fucking? CeeLo?

- It's fucking hockey, not hopscotch, buddy! - Wheel! Wheel!

Man, your sister's killing me. She thinks I don't care.

She's got no idea how much is on my mind right now.

See, you guys have like a combo platter going right now.

You both care, but, you know, not enough. You gotta up the care.

Give her a little attention. It's that simple.

Yeah, up the care? What do you know?

You haven't been in a relationship in over three years.

Yeah. That's what makes me an expert.

While you were getting married to my sister, losing half your manhood,

I've been in trenches dating women of every culture.

Banging here and there.

- Can't believe you never got an STD. - STD.

Listen, when you fuck Guatemalan twins

in 10- degree weather without a shirt, a cold doesn't stand a chance.

- My immune system's on steroids. - Did you really do that?

Yeah. I showed you the pictures.

- This guy doesn't hustle! Hustle, please! - What have you got?

Hey listen to this, Lianne tried to get me to a parent's dinner the other night.

I felt bad, but I just couldn't stomach it.

Marty, it's getting embarrassing for all of us.

Grow a fucking backbone!

You know what, you give in to a parents‘ dinner,

next thing you know she's resting a drink on your head

and you're giving her a foot rub.

She's going to need a foot rub with all the working out she's doing.

She's like the Jewish Flojo.

You know what it is with you?

You lost your... You were a cool kid, you know that?

It's your fucking walk. That's what it is.

- What's wrong with my walk? - It's like you're falling all the time.

- So, sometimes I feel like I'm falling. - Yeah.

You know what I do? I put a song in my head like...

Like The Stones, Sympathy for The Devil.

Or if I'm trying to appeal to a kind of a cooler crowd,

Jay- Z, 99 Problems.

Okay, yeah. I like Jigga Man.

- Yeah. - All right.

- Get out there and score. - All right.

- Go. - So I take this girl on a date,

and the first thing out of her mouth is, what are my intentions?

- What the... - End it.

- But it just started. - End it!

If it starts that fast, it's gonna end that fast.

And you be the one to do it. I don't need a broken- hearted center.

- Peter, get the fuck out there. Go. - Come on! Let's go, blues!

What've you got for us?

Nobody's happy.

Life is an illusion, and part of life is to be unhappy.

- It's all a struggle. - What the...

I'm telling you, it's all about fighting gravity.

Hey, Marty, it is what it is.

No, you can say it is what it is, but it's just not!

Not with me. I'm confused. I'm overwhelmed.

I'm overburdened. I'm slightly overweight.

Like now, but I just don't know...

Hey boys. How are you?

- Hey. - We're losers.

Tough loss today?

No, our wives think we're losers. Our team likes us.

Guys, don't beat yourselves up. You must be doing something right.

And to be honest, you both married up.

- What does that mean? - Is that good?

No, it's not good. It means your wives are better than you.

Clarissa, can you see all those patrons staring into space

wishing they had alcohol?

Fine, boss, but actually I just came here to let you know