Hotel Splendide

The Hotel Splendide is a unique and marvelous place.

It's an ideal spot to rest or convalesce,

with full hydro spa facilities, no shortage of fresh fish,

and a friendly family atmosphere,

which hasn't changed since Mrs. Blanche died last year.

I've learned many things during my stay at the Splendide.

I've learned to always chew my food,

and that every cloud has a lining of some sort.

Maybe it's being so remote from the outside world that allows

me to see things this clearly.

Desmond says that the great thing about family run hotels

is continuity.

After his mother died, Desmond took over as manager.

And he's made no changes that I can detect,

so he must be right about that.

Taking small bites and producing plenty of saliva

to aid digestion.

Chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing,

until the food is reduced to an even, watery puree.

Mrs. Blance recorded her theories on healthy eating

just before she passed on.

I can't help wishing she'd died just that little bit sooner,

and not had time to make the record before she went.

Desmond's brother, Ronald, is cook,

and has created a distinctive cuisine

based on seaweed and eels.

Their sister, Cora, runs the hydro treatments.

And Morton Blanche retired the day his wife died,

finally surrendering to chronic constipation.

Continuity, or change.

I think sometimes change begins with a fellow there.

A sound you've heard 100 times seems different,

and in a moment, the world's turned upside down.

Stanley!

Of the family, and originating in Egypt.

What was that?

I'll have to hurry you.

How come the... how come the... how come the...

The common cucumber.

There's a time and a place for everything,

Desmond says.

That's the beauty of routine.

All as it should be?

Yes, Desmond.

My god.

Yes.

At last.

At last!

I can't remember the last time a guest arrived here.

In fact, I think it was me.

But I'm certain of one thing... no

one who left has ever returned.

Why would they?

Mr. Blanche.

Yes, thank you.

So she's dead?

Yes.

Her heart.

Last year.

Let's talk in my office.

Shit.

You know, I think I've got just the thing for that.

Now, it might sting a little, but it works.

What happened to all the guests?

We still have them.

Just less of the riffraff.

Well, I'll need a room.

Well, I'm afraid that's out of the question.

Well, we'll see what your brother has to say about that.

Best to leave him be.

That's what you think.

Still using the slash and spread method, I see.

Remind them, Mummy.

Desire, like appetite,

is a disease to be tamed.

All corruption, both physical and moral,

emanates from the mouth.

What the hell is she doing here?

Quite.

She can't stay, Desmond.

I want her out of here!

Absolutely.

However, month till the next ferry.

That's her problem.

Get rid of her, now.

Of course, Ronald.

But there is the matter of decorum.

I mean, have you thought about what the guests

are going to make of this?

Sod the guests!

And sod you!

Look at you.

Don't give me that look.

You hurt him terribly.

What, so he invites me back here and gets his revenge?

What are you talking about?

The note.

That the queen of the harpies was dead.

But why would he send you this?

It doesn't make sense.

Well, Cora... we were close.

Maybe that's why he never forgave you for running away?

It was monstrous of her to return, we all agree,

but he's turned it into a public spectacle.

An embarrassment to the hotel.

Ronnie's had a bit of a shock, but we

can help him to come around if we all stick together.

Daddy, this is improper.

He cannot be allowed to interfere

in management decisions.

Marvelous stew.

Chicken, was it?

That's right.

Long, black, slippery sea chickens.

And what did you get?

A drumstick?

We're trying to find a solution, Ronnie.

She thought you invited her back.

Right.

Well, she can stay until the ferry,

but she doesn't move from her room.

Well... I wouldn't be the first guest to welcome you,

then? Stanley.

Stanley Smith.

Kath.

So why are you here?

For the hydrotherapy?

Hydrotherapy?

No, no, no, no.

No.

I'm excused.

Morton says you used to work here.

Is that right? Did you work here?

Yeah, about 1,000 years ago.

I was sous chef.

Sous chef.

Sous chef, of course.

Of course.

So, why did you have to leave, then?

Did something happen?

Yeah.

It did.

It did.

It did.

Yeah.

There was a... a difference of opinion with,

the management.

With Ronald?

Is that why you're so angry?

No.

Not with him.

Never with him.

Be careful here.

You know, the spray... spray could come in at any time.

Be careful.

I'm to take you to your room.

Hi, Sergei.

Hello.

Welcome back.

The first day of winter

is now very special at the Splendide,

as it marks the ceremony of the heating being fired up.

I think it's an omen of a sort, that Cath

arrived on this very day.

Though I'm not sure it was a good one.

In memory of our beloved Mummy, on the first anniversary

of her passing.

Mr. Lyme?

It's on.

What are you looking at?

Get your thumb out of your ass, and them dishes washed.

But please, wash that thumb first.

Richard is missing from the gramophone again.

I don't suppose you've seen it?

When you're done, take this to room 106.

Here we go.

Oops.

Landed on a disease.

Diverticulitis.

Come on.

It's easy.

Three symptoms.

Diverticulitis... that's cramps,

constipation, rectal bleeding.

Wrong.

You're dead.

Does... does that mean I can off to...

What a waste.

Go on.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I don't know!

What I'm doing here.

God, I feel like an idiot.

You didn't send the note, did you?

No.

You... owe me an explanation.

For leaving.

You could have followed me.

How?