Nobody Wants This

If I need you one last time

If I need you one last time

If I need you one last time

Can I meet you one last time?

Baby, I need you now for your...

This is the kind of quality time I've always dreamt about.

Wow, I forgot you were even here.

Hey.

When are you recording the podcast? Do you need some more Noah's Corner?

We always need more Noah's Corner.

Um, I'm not sure when we're recording this week.

Okay.

What are you guys doing here?

- Hey! - No way!

- Hey! - Gabe, how are ya?

- I'll join ya. - Oh, okay.

You guys, uh, see the Warhol piece inside?

- No. - No, we didn't come for the art.

We came because they have a good gift shop and excellent chai.

- Mm. - Yeah.

So no art at all?

No, I promised her we wouldn't.

My body shuts down inside museums.

I stand in front of a piece of art, and I feel compelled to say

I see something I don't actually see. I can't be myself in front of art.

Yeah, I get that. How's it going at Ahava?

- Was I right about that place or what? - Oh.

- Right? - So right. So right.

It's great. You know, Neil and Cami.

- Mm. - They got very cool ideas.

Um, how are you? How's the fam?

Oh man. Um...

Yeah, Abby and I are done.

- Whoa! - So...

- Oh my God. I can't believe it. - Yeah.

- You guys seemed so happy. - Yeah, but it was fake.

Instagram is fake.

Life is a wild journey, man.

You do seem lighter.

Thank you. Yeah. We both are. We both are. I think it's for the best.

Listen, I've counseled a lot of couples going through some tough times.

I'm your rabbi now. I'd love to talk with you.

Hopefully, there's possible solutions that don't involve separation.

Obviously, it's not just you and Abby now. There's Afternoon. There's Jesse Charles.

Why don't you come by my office tomorrow?

I don't know.

It would be an honor. Whatever comes of it.

- Okay, let's do it. Great. - Okay, good.

- I look forward to it. See you then. - I love it.

- Text me, let me know when. - Okay. Love you guys.

Love you too.

Hm.

Oh man.

I wonder who I can set Abby up with.

Joanne.

What?

Any marriage ending is sad.

I don't agree.

I think you have one life to live, and sometimes, the person you marry

isn't the person you end up being married to.

Did that make sense?

Not really, but I've seen a lot of couples that are ready to give up,

and they found a way to fall back in love. It happens.

I'm sure that that happens, but I think there's also couples

who stay together way too long, and that makes it worse.

Especially on the kids.

No. Obviously, your parents' situation is different.

Is that the only way it can be different?

Like, can you only get divorced if one of them is secretly gay?

- Yeah. 100%. Listen. - Where are you going?

You know what? I gotta go. I'm meeting Batya soon.

Who's Batya?

That would be your mother. She, uh, picked her Hebrew name.

Wow. Okay, well, let me know if she shows up.

Because she usually gives up on stuff right about now.

- Batya will be there. - Okay.

- You good with all this stuff? - Yeah, I'll clean all this up.

Yep, and then if you need me, I'll be in the kitchen, okay?

I know you will.

All right, bye.

Who's your boyfriend now?

So, number one, I wanted to start a relationship with your synagogue

as it seems the right fit.

Does she know we know each other, or is that illegal?

Yep, it's legal.

Okay, then. And, uh, number two,

I wanted to do conversion classes here because I love Noah.

Both on the inside and out. And looks are very important to me.

Me too.

Same page.

- He's gorgeous. - Okay, well, listen.

Typical conversion takes about a year.

Unless, I don't know, unless Ahava has a different protocol.

We have the half year, the "loose conversion,"

and we have the full year, which we call the "conversion no one's ever asked for."

Six months doesn't seem like enough.

I'm very loose, so I would love the loose conversion.

You're not even gonna feel it. It's painless.

- It'll be over before you know it. - Is it cheaper?

- Oh. - No, it's...

We don't charge anyone to become a Jew. We see it as a blessing.

Oh, well, I've already been studying Judaism on my own.

I stay up all night reading about it. I mean, do you wanna test me?

- Ask me anything Jewish. - We don't have to test you.

- No, I wanna test her. - Oh, okay.

Um, okay, what are two objects that are waved around during Sukkot?

Oh, that's hard.

- Well, she wants to be-- - Lulav and etrog.

Wow.

All right. What's the name of Moses's wife?

Zipporah, also known as Sephora,

later to be used by an esteemed beauty supply chain.

I love you. I respect you. This is amazing. I love you.

Honestly, you can't stump me.

I'm a speed reader,

and I also know what happened on every single day of my life.

Just like Marilu Henner.

Uh, listen, Lynn, you seem to really love Jewish learning,

so I really think the year-long course is right for you because--

- No chance. - She's a six-month girl.

Well, thank you for a perfectly gorgeous lunch date.

Aw. And thank you for teaching me how to pronounce "salad niçois."

- Niçoise. - Are you sure there's a--

- No. It's niçoise. - I thought you said... Okay.

I have about 15 minutes till my next patient.

- I gotta tell you about this guy. - Mm.

Really interesting. Extreme kleptomaniac. It's wild.

Isn't that supposed to be confidential?

No. Patient confidentiality is one of the things that Freud was wrong about.

- He was wrong about a lot. This guy... - Andy?

Andy!

Helena.

Oh my God. You look stunning.

- So do you. - Look at your hair.

Your skin. Are you getting younger on me?

Only in spirit.

- Uh-huh. - But thank you.

So wait, how do you know each other?

- She's my ex-patient. - We dated.

- Oh! - I forgot about that.

We did.

I should go. Uh, it was... it was nice seeing you.

- Nice to meet you. - I'll see you.

- Yeah, that was hilarious. - Mm.

I mean, was it? I thought that I was the only patient you dated.

Honestly, it wasn't even a thing. It was like six months or something, so...

Oh, okay.

I mean, six months is a little long-ish to forget, but sure, okay.

- Morgan, I... - It's fine.

I don't even think of her like that. It was...

Why do you doubt that this is real for me?

Because this is the three-week mark, Mom,

where you quit something you thought you were gonna do for the rest of your life,

and I just wanna make sure you don't feel embarrassed

if you're already over it, you know?

No, this is different. This is real.

I... I... I am Jewish. I am sure.

What the hell? Um, how... How are you sure though?

I'm sure, sure, sure.

Are you asking this because I'm converting, or because you're not?

Both. I don't know. Tell me this.

How do you know?

I feel it.

I've spent my whole life feeling like everyone else had something I didn't have.

And now I feel I have it.

Oh my God. This is real. For the first time.

This is the thing you picked that turns out to be real. This is in...

This sucks.

Be happy for me.

I have faith, and it feels...

You know, it's like I was never at peace,

and now I feel at peace.

No, I'm... I'm happy that you're at peace. I really am.

I'm just saying that it would make my life a whole lot easier

if I could feel that too.

Well, everything happens when it's right.

You know, you may have to go at your own speed, just inch by inch.

I don't think I have time to go inch by inch.

Noah and I can't move forward if I don't start feeling something soon.

And meanwhile, Morgan's racing to the altar.

- You know, not a road bump in sight. - You'll get there.

I have faith.

I know.

Quit bragging about it.

We should be done already. This is taking way too long.

Oh. Hey, Fabrizio.

- Oh, hey. - How's it going?

Just dealing with this stupid pool guy.

- Can I help you with this? - Oh my God. Yeah, I'm in a rush.

Joanne left this stuff at my house, and I... Can you leave it on her front step?

- Yeah, yeah, sure thing. - Thank you.

How's the podcast going?

Oh, uh, great.

Yeah, Joanne actually gave you a shout-out on the last episode. It was hilarious.

Oh, cool, yeah. I'll check it out.

Okay. Thank you.

Feels like we spent enough time with my mom.

She asked if we had plans.

Yoo-hoo!

Hey, come in.