The Good Place

What are you doing?

Dude, I'm freaked out about my meeting with Michael,

and if I spend one more second staring at Creepo the Clown,

I'm gonna lose it.

You named the clowns?

- Psycho, Creepo, Crazy Head, Stupid Juggling Weirdo,

Freaky Feet, and Nightmare George Washington.

One of them has to go.

- Oh, sexy mailman. Much better.

- In five minutes, Michael wants my help investigating

what's making the neighborhood go nuts,

what's making the neighborhood go nuts,

which is obviously me.

I mean, I did promise I would help.

What do I do here?

Actually, the answer is...

- Right here in this easily understandable comic strip.

- Nope, in this book about the theory of contractualism.

"What We Owe to Each Other."

I saw this movie.

Laura Linney cries in a lake house

because Jude Law left her for his ex-wife's ghost.

No.

Quick summary of contractualism.

Uh, imagine a group of reasonable people

are coming up with the rules for a new society.

Are coming up with the rules for a new society.

- Like if your Uber driver talks to you,

the ride should be free?

- Sure, but anyone can veto any rule that they think is unfair.

So if you said, "We should be able to break our promises

without any repercussions," someone would veto that rule.

- Well, my first rule would be that no one can veto my rules.

Well, that's called tyranny.

And it's generally frowned upon.

If you make a promise to someone, you should do it.

Just like I promised to help you and still am,

despite your constant mockery.

Despite your constant mockery.

- "Despite your constant mockery."

Whatever, you love it.

So either I help him find the problem, which is me,

and I'm doomed,

or I don't help him, and then I'm

behaving unethically and the whole world goes crazy

and I'm caught anyway.

I need to figure out a way both help him

and not help him at the same time.

That's literally not possible.

Oh, really?

I once posed as a hot prom date for my cousin,

both helping him and later, according to his therapist,

both helping him and later, according to his therapist,

not helping him.

Oh, hey, Eleanor, thanks for coming in.

Sorry about the mess.

Oh, I forgot, you don't see in nine dimensions.

There's just a lot of... There's a lot of tension

in the air right now.

In the air right now.

Are you okay, buddy?

You seem kind of stressed. - No, no, no, I'm fine.

Top of my game, actually.

Uh, here, let me just, uh...

Have a seat.

There you go.

So to prepare to meet all of you,

I studied the human concept of friends.

I even watched all ten seasons of the show "Friends."

Boy, those friends really were "friends," weren't they?

Although... and I realize this is the kind of observation

Although... and I realize this is the kind of observation

that would only occur to the mind of an eternal being...

How did they afford that apartment?

A waitress and a chef with those Manhattan real estate prices.

- Yeah, we were all confused about that too.

- Anyway, it's been a tough couple of days.

Right now, I could really use a friend

by my side.

Well, you know me.

The person who has audibly promised to help you.

So you need to me house-sit the whole week?

So you need to me house-sit the whole week?

Sounds like somebody's gonna have a sweet vay-cay.

- As I told you before, my mom is very sick.

I'm gonna help her move into assisted living.

Well, I'm here for you.

And your Wi-Fi is way better than my neighbor's, so I'm in.

- It's gonna mean taking care of Lester too.

Walk and feed him twice a day.

Give him his kidney medicine.

- Yup, got it... Feed his kidneys.

- Eleanor? - Yeah?

- This is gonna be a very stressful week for me.

I need to know that I can count on you.

I won't let you down.

I promise.

Jianyu, my love.

How are you?

- I am decidedly so. - That's very profound.

Um, soul mate...

an idea.

Our neighborhood now features a spa,

and it offers couples packages.

And I thought maybe we could get facials

and do yoga and talk

in long, discursive sentences.

What do you say?

- Signs point to yes. - Oh!

- Signs point to yes. - Oh!

Marvelous. We'll go today.

- Dude, you got to come with us to the spa.

No way.

No, that's really weird.

You can't make small talk with her for one day

without being caught?

- No, I can't, and she freaks me out.

She's so pretty, like Nala from "The Lion King."

And she talks so smart, like, um...

Nala from "The Lion King."

You got to help me.

- Well, if I feel sympathy for anyone,

it's Tahani.

She's going through the same thing I am,

but she doesn't know it.

But she doesn't know it.

Which means maybe I'm obligated to tell her.

Although maybe it's better not to know.

Is ignorance bliss, or will the painful truth

actually be healing...

You ready, Jianyu?

Oh, I cannot wait to just relax and talk and chat

and just, you know...

get to know each other.

Hey!

Maybe I'll come too.

Oh.

Well, Chidi...

it's just that this is, um...

This is really more of a couples thing.

This is really more of a couples thing.

I know.

But Eleanor's off with Michael,

and Jianyu feels comfortable when I'm around.

Right?

- Made in Taiwan. - Yes, you were.

You were made in Taiwan.

So...

couples date!

Let's go!

- I never really looked around your office the first day.

What is all this junk?

- Well, technically, architects aren't allowed

to own any human objects, but...

oh, I just love them so much.

Oh, I just love them so much.

And over here, look at this.

Aren't paper clips the most amazing things in the world?

- Yeah. Sure.

- Anyway, my current theory is that some object

in the neighborhood is a design flaw

which is causing everything to go haywire.

So we need to find that object.

We're gonna start with the rocks.

Now, I've investigated all of the rocks

in the neighborhood.

These 78 are the most suspicious.

- Maybe to an architect, they might look suspicious,

but to me, they just look like rocks,

but to me, they just look like rocks,

so I'm not sure how I can help.

Do any of them look defective?

Sinister?

You know, like they're taunting you?

Always one step ahead?

You devious little monsters, you.

- Okay, let's take a deep breath here, buddy.

You need to chill a little.

'Cause you have a very psycho,

"burnout guy muttering to himself

at a library computer" type vibe.

- It's my responsibility to solve the problem.

What else can I do

except keep working?

Except keep working?

You could stop working.

Look, I promised to help you,

and honestly, the way I can help you

is to force you to take a break.

- And not working will help me work?

Yes!

Recharge the old batteries.

I promise this is gonna help both of us.

Let's go.

Okay.

Let's keep our eyes peeled for twigs that may have

a nefarious agenda.

- Okay, crazy, come on. - Yeah.

Hello, Janet.

Jianyu and I are here for the couples package, please.