Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Okay, open on Kimmy and Titus walking down the street.

Titus, looking amazing:

How's your little love triangle going?

Nope. Next topic.

How dare you?

For the last three months, it's been,

"What's the Internet? Who's that guy?

What's Tilda Swinton?"

And I have told you:

"Tubes, the President, and no one knows."

And now you have something juicy happening...

Look, this is not fun for me.

I mean, Logan got into a fight with Dong,

because Dong likes me?

Enjoy the attention, woman.

The last time I had two men fighting over me,

I was a table at a Fire Island arm wrestling match.

Enjoy it? I feel sick to my stomach.

I mean, what do I even say to them?

Is that dolphin with a bow on it?

No, you wouldn't say that.

Wait. What?

Kimmy, I wanted to apologize for last night.

I recalled that you said you like dolphins.

Don't worry. He can breathe.

He's a mammal.

- Where would I even put it? - Make it stop looking at me!

That's gonna be...

you know, a fascinating transition.

Kimmy, I truly regret my behavior,

but I think I reacted that way

because I really care about you.

Well, what would the Care Bears say about how you show it?

It would depend on the bear, Kimmy.

The point is, I overreacted.

I'm just not used to obstacles.

When I summited Mount Everest,

I did it in my daddy's private blimp.

To be honest, I've never even

seen the inside of a public blimp.

What can I say?

I'm a bit of a Daddy's Boy.

- Is that a thing? - Of course it is.

You've heard of a Mama's Boy, right?

Although frankly I don't see the appeal.

Look, you're my boyfriend.

Dong is just my friend.

But he wants more than that.

He wants to shoop, baby.

- Shoop. - I know.

So I will tell him that I picked you.

You have to do more than that.

You need to cut him off completely.

You want me to tell Dong that we can't be friends anymore?

It's for his sake.

If you stay friends, he's always gonna want more.

Better to just end it now.

And you know what I find helps soften bad news?

A British accent.

The dolphin died on the sidewalk.

'Ello, Dong, me lad!

Poppycock!

I am rather not your friend anymore.

Tea time!

I don't know if I can do this.

This place is hilarious.

It's so funny

what people who have never been kidnapped think is scary.

Talking crows?

I would have loved to meet a talking crow.

Death looms over us all.

Did I tell you? I auditioned to be a replacement mad scientist?

He gets a monologue,

and he doesn't have to clean the ladies' room.

Women are disgusting, BT-dubs.

Titus, I'm so excited for you.

I'm exciting.

Now, who got the role of Kimmy's boyfriend?

I've officially picked Logan.

Okay. Great.

Wait.

Is it gonna be up to me to teach you about birth control?

Probably. But not yet.

On our third date, Logan and I had a mishap.

Can we take this to the next level?

Of course.

My spine! My...

Apparently all the stuff I thought I knew was way wrong.

He passed out for a second.

So I told him I want to wait a while.

That's why he went full dolphin for you.

I bet nobody's made that rich boy wait for anything.

Titus, do you think it's weird

that Logan wants me to stop being friends with Dong?

Honestly, no.

There's nothing worse than thinking

you have a shot at something

when everyone else knows that ship...

Ladies and gentlemen,

your attention please.

Hold up. Is that Rick?

There is a creature on the loose

in this establishment!

This monster was once my beloved creation...

Brought to life with the electrokinesis

of my own heartbeat.

Other men of my profession may tell you I am mad.

Am I mad? Am I mad?!

I am mad.

When I auditioned to be Dr. Van Peebles,

you told me, and I don't quote, I was amazing.

But then you cast Rick?

I don't know what to tell you, Titus.

Dr. Van Peebles has to play as straight.

I mean, the show ends with him marrying The Cyclops Bride.

Good show, Rick.

I don't know, honey.

Have you tried talking the batteries out of the remote

and putting them back in?

Well, don't cry.

Come on, Michael.

Michael?

Michael?

Why, he's as gay as I want to be.

We are here today to discuss the terms of the divorce

of Julian and Jacqueline Voorhees.

Thank you for joining me. I know you're both very busy.

- Wait. What? - They're getting divorced?

I have been authorized to assure you

that it's not your fault,

they don't love you any less,

grown-up relationships are complicated,

et cetera, et cetera.

Great, now if you would initial here

to indicate that you received a hug.

And here to acknowledge that you were comforted.

Great.

Wait, what's the deal with custody?

What is the deal with custody?

It's funny, 'cause it's true, Xan.

You're really asking. Hold on.

You know what? I know it's back here.

It's one of these.

Honestly, Titus, I was just like you.

I was always getting typecast

as the funny gay guy who works at the police station.

That's not even a thing.

Or the sassy best friend who makes up words.

Like "snowbesity."

It's when you don't know if someone's fat or not

'cause they're wearing a winter coat.

But then I turned my career around,

thanks to Le Loup.

For realsies?

For realisingtons.

He's tough, but last month, I booked a radio ad

for a paintball range.

The straightest of all weekend activities.

Okay.

My parents are getting divorced.

Two Christmases! Yes!

You bitch.

A female dog? The thing that makes puppies?

Nice compliment, Xan.

Why would you tell Jacqueline to divorce my dad?

Now she's stripping our Hamptons house for copper wire,

and I have to go live in Connecticut

with my mom and Roger and their gross babies.

Okay, first of all,

I never made your stepmom do anything,

except for the time she made me make her eat a peanut M&M.

Whoa, that's a big phone.

How has my life been ruined by someone so stupid?

Hi, Mom.

Xanthippe, you look tired.

How are your BMs?

Mom, jeez.

Well, there's my answer.

So are you all packed?

Remember, it's colder here than it is in the city.

Do you have enough corduroy slacks

with the little waterfowl stitched in them?

What? No.

The lawyer said I don't move until the end of the semester.

Yes, but I'm going to be putting up my jams that week,

so I'm coming to get you tomorrow.

What? No.

No, you can't do that.

My God, Xanthippe.

The histrionics are not going to fly in this house,

especially around the quintuplets.

And Roger has taken up

mental golfing where he uses his mind

to play some of the world's most famous courses.

So I really hope we're getting

the nice quiet Xan,

the one we knew before she invented teen angst.

Helene, please!

I'm playing St. Andrews, and it's very windy.

This is BS.