Loki

On my way down to coordinate search and rescue.

On my way down to coordinate search and rescue.

I mean, honestly, how do you keep your food down?

Shut up.

- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Hey, hey. Buddy!

What do you think? Maximum occupancy has been reached.

- (HULK GROWLS) - 2012 THOR: Take the stairs.

- 2012 STARK: Yeah. Stop, stop. - (LOUD THUD)

Hand over the case, Stark.

- Hand it over. - (2012 STARK STUTTERS)

Stark? 2012 THOR: Stark?

Breathe, breathe.

Good job. Meet me in the alley. I'm gonna grab a quick slice.

No stairs!

2012 THOR: Where's Loki?

Loki! Loki!

I am Loki of Asgard.

And I am burdened with glorious purpose.

I...

Never mind.

Don't touch that.

Appears to be a standard sequence violation.

Branch is growing at a stable rate and slope.

Variant identified.

I beg your pardon.

On behalf of the Time Variance Authority,

I hereby arrest you for crimes against the Sacred Timeline.

Hands up.

- (WEAPONS POWERING) - You're coming with us.

I'm sorry. Who's "us"?

Last chance, Variant.

It's been a very long day,

and I think I've had my fill of idiots in armored suits telling me what to do,

so, if you don't mind, this is actually your last chance.

Now get out of my way.

You are now moving at 1/16th speed,

but feeling all that pain in real time.

Reset the timeline.

What species? MAN 2: Variant Skrull.

What is this place?

My dad is on the board of Goldman Sachs.

One call and your whole job is privatized.

All right. MAN 4: How'd you like that?

Hello, sir.

Come on. - You're making a terrible mistake.

You're making a big mistake. Whoa!

- Hello, ma'am, uh... Log this as evidence.

Oh...

Can you at least tell me what it is?

It's the Tesseract. Be very careful with it.

It sounds dumb.

Know this.

You cross me, there are deadly consequences.

We'll see.

Hey, hey!

Absolutely not.

This is fine Asgardian leather.

Hold very still.

Now, hang on just a minute.

Please sign to verify this is everything you've ever said.

What?

Sign this, too.

Oh, this is absurd.

And this.

Please confirm to your knowledge that you are not a fully robotic being,

were born an organic creature,

and do in fact possess what many cultures would call a soul.

What? "To my knowledge"?

Do a lot of people not know if they're robots?

Thank you for confirming. Move through.

What if I was a robot and I didn't know it?

The machine would melt you from the inside out.

Please move along, sir.

Okay, I'm not a robot, so I'll be fine.

What?

Oh, what's that? - Your temporal aura.

- What's that? - Please, through the door.

Take a ticket.

What is this, a deli? No.

Take a ticket.

There's only two of us in here.

Take a ticket.

This is a mistake! I shouldn't be here!

Hey there! You're probably saying,

"This is a mistake. I shouldn't even be here."

Welcome to the Time Variance Authority.

I'm Miss Minutes,

and it's my job to catch you up before you stand trial for your crimes.

So let's not waste another minute.

Settle in, sharpen your pencils, and check this out.

Long ago, there was a vast multiversal war.

Countless unique timelines battled each other for supremacy,

nearly resulting in the total destruction of...

- (EXPLOSION) - well, everything.

But then, the all-knowing Time-Keepers emerged,

bringing peace by reorganizing the multiverse into a single timeline,

the Sacred Timeline.

Now, the Time-Keepers protect and preserve the proper flow of time

for everyone and everything.

But sometimes, people like you veer off the path the Time-Keepers created.

We call those Variants.

Maybe you started an uprising, or were just late for work.

Whatever it was, stepping off your path created a nexus event,

which, left unchecked, could branch off into madness,

- leading to another multiversal war. - (BEEPING)

But, don't worry,

to make sure that doesn't happen,

the Time-Keepers created the TVA and all its incredible workers.

The TVA has stepped in to fix your mistake

and set time back on its predetermined path.

Now that your actions have left you without a place on the timeline,

you must stand trial for your offenses.

So sit tight, and we'll get you in front of a judge in no time.

Just make sure you have your ticket,

and you'll be seen by the next available attendant.

- For all time. Always.

Time-Keepers? The Sacred Timeline?

Who actually believes this bunkum?

Ticket, sir? - He didn't give me a ticket. I asked.

- Ticket, sir! - I tried to ask that guy for a ticket!

Sir...

What, you're raising your voice at me, bucket head?

- (WARBLES) - (SCREAMS)

Thanks for visiting the TVA.

Don't hesitate to let us know how we're doing.

The hunter and his Minutemen responded to a routine nexus event.

It appears that when they arrived, somebody got the jump on 'em.

You think?

It's him.

Yeah, stab wounds look consistent with the others.

Positioning of the bodies indicates they didn't know what the hell hit 'em.

And reset charge is gone.

That's the sixth attack in the last week.

That we know of.

- Hey! - Wait, stand down! Stand down.

It's just a kid.

(IN ENGLISH) Hey, yo!

Tap it.

Don't worry, that devil's afraid of us.

We're gonna take care of him.

And we're gonna put you back where you belong.

Devil bearing gifts.

Go ahead and run this for sequence period and any hints of temporal aura.

You know we won't get anything.

Yeah, just give it a shot.

The branch is nearing red line. We need to go.

Okay.

It's okay.

Set a reset charge.

Sir, there's something you'll wanna see.

- (GAVEL BANGS) Next case, please.

Laufeyson. Variant L1130, AKA Loki Laufeyson,

is charged with sequence violation 7-20-89.

How do you plead?

Madam, a god doesn't plead.

This has been a very enjoyable pantomime, but I'd like to go home now.

Are you guilty or not guilty, sir?

Guilty of being the God of Mischief? Yes.

Guilty of finding all this incredibly tedious? Yes.

Guilty of a crime against the Sacred Timeline?

Absolutely not, you have the wrong person.

Oh, really? And who should we have?

I suspect, the Avengers.

I came into possession of the Tesseract because they traveled through time,

no doubt in a last-ditch effort to stave off my ascent to God King.

That's quite an accusation.