Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Kabir is late again.

Fire him as soon as he gets in.

And fix that record player.

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

Hey, hey, Titus.

Uh, look what finally came.

An award?

Pour je?

In 1967, Sidney Poitier...

Titus, these are Artie's ashes.

Oh, okay. I see it.

It just took forever

to get the body released 'cause in Norwegian,

the word for "cremate" is the same as the word for "shoot at the moon."

Huh? And it's been tough waiting for him.

I just want Artie to be at peace

'cause, you know, our last days together...

weren't exactly perfect.

Of course I don't support his politics!

I'm just telling you those were the best steaks I ever ate.

Oh, but you won't drink carbonated water that was made in the settlements.

He died later that day.

Well, as much as I love not being the ashiest person in the room for once,

this place does not need any more ghosts.

Titus, I keep telling you, there are--

Then why do I wake up every morning fully slimed?

Well, I-I'm gonna scatter his ashes today.

He wants to spend eternity

in his old summer camp on the Lower East Side.

Yeah, Camp Schmutz for Jewish Boys and Their Mothers...

which is probably, you know, a condo or something by now,

but as long as he's gonna be in the right spot,

he'll be at peace.

FYI, when I die, I wanna be placed

in that Bodies exhibit so that I can be thin and looked at.

- Oh. - Good morning.

Oh, hey.

Well, I'm off to scatter Artie's ashes.

Oh, I'm sorry, Lillian.

FYI, when I die, I wanna do that thing that Princess Diana did,

where the whole world mourns

and people put teddy bears in front of your palace.

That's class.

Uh, yeah.

Now, why hasn't my favorite client been answering his phone?

Because I'm out of datum. You heard me.

I'm on a datum plan. Just the one.

Not like you call with good news.

I got you that stock footage gig.

Is that what that was?

Is this gonna turn into a porno or not?

And it never did.

At this rate, I'll never become a star.

And if I'm not a star, how will I ever get Mikey to notice me?

I declared my love for him on a boat, Jacqueline.

I can't just show up now and act all Contempo Casual.

Well, I'm doing the best I can,

but no one takes me seriously.

I don't have an office.

I only have one client,

and no one has heard of him,

even though his name is ridiculous.

Forget about him! I need a job.

It shouldn't be this hard.

There's so much television.

This is what TV Guide looks like now.

Ooh.

These shows all sound fake.

SMILF ? Billions ? Shameless ?

I fell asleep against the wall the other day

and they posted over me for something called...

"Ray Don-ah-van."

Who or what?

Maybe you should lie and say I'm on one of those shows. Who would know?

Or, even better...

we say you're the star of a show that we've made up completely.

How much is our fake wig budget? Double it.

What's wrong, Kimmy? You can talk to me, girlfriend.

Thanks, C.H.E.R.Y./L.

It's nice to have another gal in the office.

Hey, I'm not just a Cybernetic Human Empathy Response Yuko/Lamp.

I'm also your friend/lamp.

I thought this job would be all planning birthday parties

and keeping things fun, Kimmy-style.

I got everyone T-shirts!

Work is fun!

But now Zach wants me to fire Kabir.

That's not fun.

You want my advice?

Chardonnay.

Kimberly.

We need to borrow a nerd.

What? No, you can't just--

I'll tell you why.

We're making a poster

for Titus' new, completely made-up hit TV show.

It's called The Capist.

It stars "moy" as a superstrong crimes fighter who owns a cape store.

Also, there's a handsome white guy in it--

for believability.

The point is,

we need a contuter and someone who knows

how to talk to the contuter and make it do posters.

Fine. Whatever. I've got my own problems.

Like what?

...he said, as an excuse to get close enough

to eat her fries.

Zach says I have to fire

one of the coders,

just for doing his job bad.

So there'll be an open desk?

I know he deserves it.

Kabir is always late.

Speaking of late,

why did these guys program me to get a period?

Men.

But I never wanna make people feel sad.

I'm not an Eeyore. I'm a Pooh!

I'm a big ole Pooh.

Oh, sweetie. Firing people is easy.

You hide some of your jewelry in their purse,

and then when you "find" it,

bam!

Who are the cops gonna believe? You or some red-haired idiot?

No. There has to be a better way.

A Kimmy way.

That's why Zach hired me in the first place.

I can fire Kabir but still make him feel good, not embarrassed.

I just...need to cover up the bad news with lots of nice stuff.

I could get him his favorite smoothie and let that wash it down.

Ha. Like when you trick a Titus

into taking his medicine by covering it in peanut butter.

If you think I don't suck the peanut butter off pills,

you are dreaming.

That's him.

Wish me luck, T-Bird.

You.

You're making us a poster.

Cool. CMYK or RGB?

Shut up, nerd. You're ruining it.

- May I help you? - Oh.

I got a dentist appointment

or whatever it is you guys do here.

Um, unrelated: is there a fountain or a lap pool I could scatter nothing in?

Snoke House is a members-only club.

Gentlemen. Your guests are waiting for you in the prostitute lounge.

Ugh. Fine, okay. Uh, how much does it cost to join this dump?

The initiation fee's $100,000.

To walk into a building?

I used to get paid to walk into buildings back when I was robbing banks.

Oh. Well, okay.

I give up,

'cause I scare off easy.

Hello. Am stripper for rich-guy party.

Am okay with you kill me.

You're stripping on Peter Thiel's dudes-only indoor yacht?

Ugh.

Hey!

It's me, Cyndi Lauper, and I just wanna have fun.

Holy crap! Cyndi Lauper just killed that stripper.

Run, Cyndi!

Kabir, could I see you in my office, please?

Alone?

I wanna make you feel good.

Okay?

Ah!

Wow!

You've got really nice eyes.

What color is that? Brown?

Hey, relax.

Look, the reason I called you in here

is to tell you that I like you, Kabir.

I like seeing you every day.

But maybe work isn't the best place for that.

Maybe our friendship belongs... in the night hours.

Do you get what I'm trying to say?

Okay.

I don't want you to feel embarrassed.

Embarrassing stuff can happen to anyone.

Uh-oh!

Would you look at that?

Now, this thing's not gonna suck itself.

No, thank you.

Okay, then.

You're fired.

Titus, it's Mikey! From the boat!

Hello, Michael. How are you?

Still Italian?