Don't Log Off

I just think that, look,

I know I'm getting fired, so I've made my peace.

I'll probably just go home or something.

What did they say to you?

Jess?

What did-- Jess,

- what did they say to you? - Hold on, Mel.

Give me one sec.

Okay, it's just I couldn't hear you,

so I didn't know if you were still here.

Sorry, Mel. How's this?

Ah! She lives!

Okay, well, so they said two weeks,

but that we should consider ourselves fun-employed.

Oh, so you think you're completely getting fired?

I prefer paid vacation,

at least until I hear otherwise.

I mean, that's cushy.

I suppose that is the benefit of working

for a monopolistic behemoth never going out of business.

You kicking it with the boyfriend or what?

Jesus, no, not boyfriend.

Yeah, okay.

Whatever you say.

Gonna let him down easy tonight.

Oh, really?

Yeah, looking like it.

Well, let me know if you need anything.

It'll be fine.

I'll just be like, "Uh...

"We want different things.

I'd prefer to date casually."

- Blah-blah-blah... - Funny.

Well, okay, can you just let me know

if you don't end up going through with it.

Why wouldn't I go through with it?

I'm not saying you won't, but...

come on, Jess.

You're you.

Yeah, that's, um, that's a factually correct statement.

I just mean that you've given us a pump-fake before.

So, I'd prefer not to do

the thing where I shit-talk him

before you actually pull the plug,

and then you wind up getting back together

and then I look like a total and complete jackass.

Okay, well, we were never "together" in the first place.

So, shit-talk away.

I just feel like if we're stuck at home for two weeks,

I remember when my hot water went out,

and I got back with Jason just so I could shower at his place.

Yeah, well, that's because you're disgusting.

Although, I could see how tonight goes

and then get rid of him in two weeks.

See? You're cracking al--

I'm not, it's just,

like, maybe you have a point.

Two weeks of lockdown,

this whole thing blows over.

I'll do it then. No harm, no foul.

Okay, I said I wouldn't do this, but he's weird.

Okay, so you are doing it.

No, it's just that

some of the things you've said,

if we're being honest, they seem a little strange.

I think I left my phone in the car.

Not this again.

Just keep it in your pocket or your

purse or--

Sorry, Mel, could you--

could you just say that again?

I lost you there for a sec.

Yeah, sure.

It's just that I'm ultimately here

to support you,

whatever decision you come to.

But can you just promise me you'll be safe?

Yes, Mel, okay, yes, yes, I promise.

Okay, thank you.

Sorry, I just don't know this guy.

The flags aren't red, per se,

but they're definitely tinted a bit...

- Got it. - I know, I know you do.

I'm just saying that with everything going on...

...it's a lot with the lockdown and I'm worried

I might go a little ape-shit without my friend

and I don't want to lose you, so it's selfish.

What was that?

Jess? Sorry, did you mute yourself?

Hello?

You gotta get new headphones or something.

Jess? Hello?

Hello?

Jess?

Of course not, okay.

- Hey! - Hi!

- Don't go! - Don't leave us,

- come back to us! - I'm sorry.

I'm back.

Kathleen!

Oh, stop it! Do not call me that.

- Hey, Katy. - Hey, guys,

congrats on the new place.

- Thanks! - Where's everybody?

You are the first to arrive.

Fancy us.

Okay, Becca, how's it living with, like, a boy?

I feel so old.

I'm, I'm right here.

Babe, you know it's amazing.

Oh, no, it is.

Although, she does this weird thing

where she sings in her sleep.

Yeah, I didn't believe him,

so I had him film me.

Honestly, I'm pretty good.

Oh, my god, I need to see that, please.

Oh, yeah, it's already on its way over as we speak.

- Perfect. - Okay, no human

has ever lost more socks than Jacob.

- Are you serious? - I have, like, a whole pile

on the dresser-- I call them "the orphans."

Oh.

Oh, check it out.

- Oh, got it. - Oh, boy. Why?

It's so good, it's so good!

Never gets old.

You don't believe me, Becca?

- Oh, my god. - Now you don't have to.

Why?

- It's gold! - No!

Oh! My god.

- It's so cute! - No, no, no.

It's so funny, dude.

Oh, man.

Why are you so good?

Thanks for joining

this episode and we'll see you next time, in the Outback.

Still less weird than orphan socks.

Just putting that out there.

Yeah, but for real, guys, how you holding up?

I've been looking forward to this all week,

you have no idea.

She really has, she's not kidding.

Yeah.

And Becca, I'm sorry, with everything.

Thanks.

I mean, I as able to switch some of my

Mind, Body, Fitness clients over to private classes,

so weirdly enough, I've been teaching more yoga virtually

than I would be in person.

Oh, also, they let me keep my work phone.

And she still won't let me use it

to prank text anyone, I don't know why.

Maybe because we're not in middle school.

Hey, you know what, guys?

I'm gonna check in with everyone, real quick.

You know, you'd think people would be a little more prompt

considering all you have to do is open your computer.

Can't use traffic as an excuse anymore.

"Sorry, I'm still looking for parking," right?

Don't even have to pants on.

- Really? Seriously? - Mm-hmm.

Dumb!

Yeah... thank you.

So weird.

God, it's like herding cats.

Totally.

Okay.

Um, gimme a sec, I'm going to grab my wine

and be right back.

- Okay. - Cool, cool.

You're kinda cute.

- You're kinda cute. - Nah.

Yeah, yeah.

Look at us.

It's like we have our own little webcam show.

- We could totally do that. - Totally could.

Mmm...

Hey, guys! Oh, for fuck's sake!

- Sorry! - Sorry, hi!

Is this the new place?

- Yep. - It's new for us.

It seems a bit Jakey, no?

Uh, not really, no.

What were we supposed to do, just not see each other?

Yeah, I mean, it was already going that way, so...

But after eight months?

It felt right, okay?

- Stop! - Well, I hope this

premature step in your relationship

rains health and happiness upon you both.

It was bound to happen eventually, so why wait?

- Right, babe? - Yeah. I just said yes, Babe.

Yeah, I'm gonna vomit it we "babe" again,

so I'm going to join back in my room.

- Okay, babe. - Later, babe.

I hate you.

So sorry, I am still

so bad at opening wine.