Woman of the Year

HOST (on radio): Miss Harding and Mr. Kieran both have their hands up. The full title, please.

TESS, KIERAN (simultaneously): Nights in the Gardens of Spain.

- Hello, Sam. - Hiya, kid.

Hiya, Sammy. You missed most of the Information, Please.

There doesn't seem to be anyplace you haven't been.

I guess I have lived around a lot. With my father, that is.

Tess Harding. It's a treat for the intellect.

Rest your intellect a minute and give me a Scotch and water, will ya?

You guys on the Chronicle ought to form a cheering section for Miss Harding.

Why? Because we write on the same paper?

- Did you ever meet her, Sam? - Mm-mmm.

I understand she don't talk to anybody that hasn't signed a nonaggression pact.

Prescott lists four seaports which have had great strategic importance in this war -.

Dakar, Narvik, Darnah and Singapore.

Were any of these ever under the American flag? Miss Harding.

Darnah, in 1803. The war with the Barbary Pirates.

Right. You know, most of us never heard of Darnah.

Can you figure a dame that knew what was going on in Libya in 1803?

Fadiman says she's the number-two dame in the country, right next to Mrs. Roosevelt.

So they're giving 'em numbers now, like public enemies.

Well, Mrs. Prescott does not receive $25 and a set of the Britannica.

The next question comes from Mr. C.A. Copeland, of Glenport, Florida.

What is the most frequently run distance in American sports?

Hundred yards.

No, no, it's a mile, counting horses.

I think I'll try our guest expert first. Miss Harding.

Ninety feet, sister.

TESS (chuckles): I really don't know anything about American sports.

- (radio: Kieran chuckling) Mr. Kieran.

Ninety feet. Would you care to explain?

It's the distance between home plate and first base.

Yes. Or between any of the bases. In the game of baseball, Miss Harding.

Oh, I see. - Thousands of men and boys run it every day.

Really? Seems like a frightful waste of energy, doesn't it?

What?

Well, there's an awful lot of energy being wasted in the world these days.

- That's telling her, John. I quite agree, Mr. Kieran.

There isn't anything more wasteful than a war.

All the more reason why, when one's going on, people ought to give it their full attention.

Well, what would you suggest, Miss Harding?

Should we abolish baseball for the duration of the emergency?

I think that's a very good idea.

- Uh, have I said something wrong? Oh, I think -.

Just a minute! - (radio off)

Things they let 'em get away with on the radio.

- Maybe she was only kiddin' the boys. - She knew what she was saying every minute.

- You know what that kind of thinking leads to? - Take it easy, Sam. Don't blow your topper.

Say, look, we're concerned with a threat to what we like to call our American way of life.

Baseball and the things it represents is part of that way of life.

What's the sense of abolishing the thing you're trying to protect?

That's a beautiful thought, Sammy.

- Yeah, you ought to write a poem about it. - I'll do better than that.

"And she might remember what the Duke of Wellington said about sports."

The duke, as everyone knows, was the baby who whipped Napoleon at Waterloo

and made an ex-champ out of him.

And after it was all over, the duke let out that the battle was really won

"on the playing fields of Eton."

What?

Well, that's about all, Miss Harding.

Except at the end he calls you...

"the Calamity Jane of the fast international set."

Hmm?

Yes, Miss Harding, I've got my pad right here.

Ready? Yes.

"Mr. Craig makes quite a point of citing Wellington's observation

concerning the Battle of Waterloo.

I assume that his purpose in this is simply to demonstrate

that at one time or another he was subjected to a grammar school course in history."

"Naturally, Mr. Craig does not realize that times have changed since Waterloo."

- What are you going to do about it? - What do you think?

Swing with both hands. We men have got only ourselves to blame.

It's our own fault. Women should be kept illiterate and clean, like canaries.

Hello. Yeah?

Oh, yes, Mr. Clayton.

Yes, sir. Yes, I'll be right up.

- He's waiting for you. - Thanks.

Come in, Sam, come in.

Haven't you met Miss Harding?

- Yes, yes, in a belligerent sort of way. - He hit me first.

- Hello. - Hello.

Now, fellows, I realize as much as anybody

that controversy is a very stimulating thing.

Very.

And I always encourage it when someone on the paper gets into a good fight

over an important issue.

Always.

But not intramural fights. Never.

It's my job to think in terms of the paper as a whole,

and I'm dead sure that it just doesn't do any one of us any good

for one department to rap another.

So to come directly to the point,

I'd like to see you drop this business right away.

How about it, Sam? Are you ready to kiss and make up?

I'll kiss. I don't know about making up.

- How about you, Tess? Willing to quit? - Sure.

- Okay? - Fine. Thank you.

I'm always delighted to quit when I'm losing.

I'm glad to be able to reconcile you two. Very glad.

Cooperation is the essence of efficient organization.

The essence.

Sorry.

Isn't the sports department downstairs?

Uh...

why, uh, yes, yes, I guess it is, but I -.

Then aren't you going in the wrong direction?

Well, maybe I am.

I, uh -.

A-Are you always much too busy?

What for?

I-I was wondering about this afternoon.

- Sorry. - Uh, tomorrow afternoon, maybe?

- What's on your mind? - I'd like to take you to a baseball game.

Okay.

Are all these people unemployed?

No. They're all attending their grandmother's funeral.

- Look. He's got Tess Harding with him. - Sit down. Where's your manners?

No women in the press box.

It's a rule as old as baseball. No women in the press box.

So what? She's a newspaperman, and she's pretty. Hiya, Sam.

Haven't seen it happen in 20 years. Worst scandal since the Black Sox.

Phil, I want you to meet - - Miss Harding. I know.

- How do you do? - Hello.

Chronicle.

You mean our paper sends two men to cover just this one game?

No. I cover the game. He just kicks it around in his column.

- (chuckles) - We've only got one man at Vichy.

Vichy? Are they still in the league?

- Who's pitching? - (crowd applauding, cheering)

- The hat. - (Tess chuckles)

Thank you.

Hey, buddy, tell her it ain't rainin'.

Fella - Fella wanted me to tell you that it ain't rainin'.

Who's playing today?

The Athletics and the Yanks.

The Athletics will bat first, you see.

And after they've made three outs, then the Yanks come to bat.

I see. And then they have to make the same number of outs.

That's right. That's right.

And each team has nine innings.

Yeah, but wouldn't it always come out even if they each made the same number of outs?

No. No, no, no. You see, uh -.

You see, an out - an out is - Well, it's just an out.

Come on! Play ball!

Play ball!

Okay.

Now, there's the first batter.

Now, of course, he's gonna try to hit the ball as far as he can

and get around as many bases as he can.

If he could get around all the bases and back to home plate,

why, that would mean a run for his team.

- You see? - Mm-hmm.

Of course, the pitcher's going to try to make him miss it.

- Which one is the pitcher? - The one pitching -.

Uh, the fella in the middle.

- (crowd cheering) - One out.

No. No, one strike.

That's a strike. He gets two more of those before he's out.

- Why? - Well, because - Are you kiddin'?

- (ball hits catcher's mitt) - (crowd cheering)

Well, how could that be a strike? He didn't even swing at it.

Well, he doesn't have to swing at it.

Uh, you see, it's a strike as long as he puts it over the plate.

You see, between the batter's shoulders and his knees, you know, it's a strike.

I see. If the batter were really smart, he'd stoop down and fool the pitcher.

I'll bet you this next one's a double up-curve in the side pocket.

Yeah, maybe he'll hit into a quadruple play.

- Do you think he will? - Wouldn't surprise me a bit.

- Safe? He's out by a mile! - What's happening?

- Well, ordinarily - - How much are they payin' you, you chiseler?

What do you do in the wintertime, burn down hospitals? You grave-robber!

- Ain't there no laws in this country? - Then in throwing it to first base -.

- Shut up, will you? - What do you mean, shut up?

- The first baseman took his foot off... - You got a lot of nerve!

That guy was out a mile. Yeah, by six miles! And I'll beef all I like about it!

- You'd think I didn't buy a ticket! - He must keep his foot on the base.

- I did! You wanna see it? Here! - Now he's arguing with the umpire.

- Buck-65 of good American dough I paid! - (crowd) Sit down! Sit down!

He took his foot off the base, you see, and he's claiming that he didn't...

Got as much right here as anybody and more than most, 'cause I come here all the time.

Ask the usher. Ask the ticket office. First in line at the opening game.

If the shortstop had kept his - If - I mean, if the short -

Maybe I could draw you a diagram of it here a little.

- Come on, Joe! - Come on, Joe!

Two on and two out. Boy!

- Have another peanut. - Thanks.

- A homer would win the game, wouldn't it? - Nothing less.

- What's the matter? - (laughs)

- You're wonderful. - Oh, of course. Didn't you know?

Well, I didn't know. I had you mixed up with - What is your name again?

- Just call me Tessie. - Hi, Tessie. Call me Sammy.

Come on, Joe! - Come on!

Run!

Well, we win.

- No. No. - What's the matter?

He's out. That's the end of the inning.

- But, uh, then the score is tied? - Like a wet shoelace.

What a shame. Well, anyway, we almost won. Come on. Let's get out of here.

- Wait a minute. The game isn't over yet. - Isn't over? But you said nine innings.

At the end of nine innings if the score is tied, they play until somebody wins.

Oh. Uh, what time is it?