It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

My phone is moving slow as shit.

Is it? 'Cause mine's

- going super slow, too. Yeah. - Really?

I heard if you just do the new software update,

- then everything moves faster. - Oh, there's a new update?

- Yeah, yeah. Just go to settings. - Uh-huh.

- Uh-huh. Is that the little gear thing? - And then... Yep.

And then just click update.

How long's it gonna take?

Uh, says 30 minutes.

- What? - What?! - What?

What are we gonna do without our phones for 30 minutes?

We don't need the phones.

Maybe... Oh. What if we just kick back

and remember some of the good old days?

No. What?

No, no, no, no. Come on, what are you talking about?

Look, we can think of something to do.

- I don't know, it does sound kind of fun. - That's what you do

when you start getting old.

You know, you start reliving the glory days

'cause you can't think of anything new to do.

Do you remember the time that I sewed myself

into the couch naked?

- Uh, yes. Remember? - Oh.

Oh, great, now you've...

Oh, what in the hell?

- Oh, Jesus Christ! - Oh, God! Oh, God!

- Oh, no. - What is happening?

Can't breathe.

- Too hot. - Why are you naked, Frank?

- It was too hot. Leather couch. - Okay. But did you hear?

- She called you an asshole. - She called you an asshole, Frank.

No air. No air.

- Air! Air! - God!

I was running down the street.

I was, I was naked. I didn't feel the cold.

I-I was just sweating bullets.

Slimy.

And the way you tell that, it's like I was there.

- And I was not there. I was not there. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- We were there, and it was like that. - Hey, guys.

Yeah, we were there. Guys, guys, uh, what about this memory?

Uh, hola, estúpidos.

- What is that? What is that from? - What are you doing?

Um, can I ask you a question?

You're just doing a bad accent?

- What, what...? - That's not... No? - Yeah.

- That's not really a memory. - You're remembering the time

you burned a Mexican's house down?

- No, no, not that one. I was doing a character. - Oh.

I was thinking we could remember all my hilarious characters

- that I've created. - You've never had any.

Now, hang on a second. You've created characters?

What are you talking about?

Y-You don't remember Taiwan Tammy?

- Oh! Oh, my goodness. - Oh! You can't do that.

You can't...

- No, that's right. - All right.

Well, what about my Saint Patrick's Day? The...

I'm Crazy Pad...

Oh.

Oh! Yes!

- Oh, wow. That was hilarious. - Wow.

- That was funny. - Ow!

- Ooh, ooh, guys! I got an idea. - Ooh!

Why don't we remember all the times

No. What? What?

I'm not doing that, okay? No.

I-It's too late. I'm already remembering it.

Holy shi...

I found the kittens.

Oh, come on!

I wanted to, uh...

Oh. Upsy-daisy.

You guys are exaggerating.

You weren't even there for half of that.

It's just how we remember it, Dee. I mean...

You can't, you can't beat physical comedy memories.

- They're timeless. - Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you know what? Let's remember

all, like, the classic times.

- You know, like, - Yeah.

Ho ho ho ho.

Well, hello, and Merry Christmas.

So, where's your little one? Oh.

Ho ho ho ho. You're a big boy, aren't you?

Uh, is he ?

I got this one.

So, son, what would you like for Christmas?

Huh?

Did you fuck my mom?

What?

Did you fuck...

my mom?

What do you mean? I, uh...

Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus?

- Mm-mm. - Did you fuck my mom?

- No, I... - Did you fuck her?

- No, I... - Did you fuck my fucking mom?

Did you fuck my mom, Santa?!

He's biting my neck!

Wait, you're gonna kill him!

- He's biting my neck! - You're gonna kill Santa Claus!

Brakes. No. Guys, why aren't the brakes working?

Because I cut the brakes. Wild card, bitches!

Yee-haw!

- What? Charlie! - What?!

- Seriously? What?! - Abort! Abort! Abort!

You want to maybe put this divider up?

Well, no. We don't want to exclude a great man like Frank

from the conversa...

Oh, my God!

- Call 911! - Oh, no, it's okay.

I have a touch of consumption.

- That seems really dark. - No, no, it's not dark.

- You're misunderstanding me, bro. Okay? - I-I...

- I think I am. - Yeah, you are.

Because if the girl said no, then the answer,

- obviously, is no. - No.

- Right. - But the thing is is she's not gonna say no.

She would never say no because of the implication.

Now, you... you've said that word "implication"

a couple of times. W-What implication?

The implication that things might go wrong for her

if she refuses to sleep with me.

Now, not that things aregonna go wrong for her,

- but she's thinking that they will. - Are you gonna hurt women?

- I'm not gonna hurt these women. - Oh, okay.

- Why would I ever hurt these women? - I don't know.

- I feel like you're not getting this at all. - I'm not getting it.

I am gonna punch a hole through your face.

I'd like to see you try that.

I don't feel we're reading as eagles.

No, bro. We look like assholes.

They didn't turn out the way that I had envisioned.

I'm getting more of a chicken vibe.

Oh, hey, Dee.

You know, you and me palling around.

Getting nuts. Doing crazy...

I'm not doing any kind of things

that you want me to do with you, Uncle Jack.

And action.

I'll read the words you wrote.

"Hello, fellow American.

"This you should vote me.

"I leave power. Good.

Thank you."

Thank you.

"Taxes, they'll be lower... son.

"The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do,

Philadelphia, so do."

I'm gonna gun this car as fast as it goes

- directly into that wall. - Mm-hmm.

The last possible second, we jump out to safety,

and we're dead to the world.

Okeydokey. Good luck with that.

Wait, where are you going, dude?

Well, I'm gonna... I'm gonna watch you do it.

- No, we need to do it together. - I'm not really doing anything.

Well, yes, you are, Charlie. You're here for moral support

- on top of that. - I know, but if no one's actually seeing us

jump out of the car, whatever, it's not exciting.

Well, it's... We're gonna kill ourselves together.

- I'm gonna watch you. All right. - Get out, get out, get out!

I'll do it myself. Get out!

The whole thing's really better without me anyway, Mac.

I'm telling you, it's gonna be great without me.

- All right, buddy, good luck. - Pussy.

Mac?

Holy shit, dude!

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

- Why didn't you jump out? - I'm okay.

Hey, dude, I can't... I-I can't...

I can't do any of this shit anymore.

- Okay? I'm... I'm leaving. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, hold on a second. You can't just leave.

- Dennis. - Yeah, dude. What-what about us?

I mean, what about... what about the bar?

Good-bye, Paddy's Pub.

Good-bye, Philadelphia. Good-bye, Charlie.

Mac, Dee, Frank.

The bar is done.

Good-bye, Philadelphia.

Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second. What...?

- What the hell was that? - Yeah.

What was that? I am not an ostrich.

Yeah. No, no, no, that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the last memory

where Mac turned the lights off to the bar.

Yeah, what about it?

Well, that never happened. I-Iturned the lights off.

No, that's not how I remember it.

No, Mac, that's not what happened.

- Yeah, thank you, Dee. - Pretty sure I turned the lights off.

Oh, right. Yes, it was you, and then I flipped them back on.

Yeah. Yeah, and I was like, "No! Get him out here.

- Let him go." - Yeah, actually, we did a great bit.

No, no. Wait, wait. No, guys. No, remember?

I quit the bar,