Motherhood

[Police sirens sound in the distance]

[Car alarm goes off in the distance]

Huh! Hello, Lady.

Edith? You okay in there?

Yes, dear, I'm fine.

Do you need anything from the store?

Hurry up, guys.

Clara! You're going to be late for school!

Orange juice, perhaps.

Does Lady need food?

I don't know.

Okay, well, I'm closing the door now, Edith.

It's not safe to leave it open.

'Cause I live in a firetrap.

Come on.

It's not a firetrap. That's a treasure trove.

If stacks of stuff dated from the '50s count as a treasure trove.

Oh, they do.

Avery, you're gonna have to move the car today, remember?

Right.

You sit in it with Lucas and hold our spot...

...and I'll walk Clara over. Right.

Okay!

Oh... Come on, sweetie.

Careful, guys.

Careful, guys.

Didn't I just clean this out last week?

Hey, check it out. Look at those books!

Think we can get them before mom notices?

No, Avery, please.

Put your family's best interest first. Think of the common good.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

Okay, in the car we go.

Can I have some?

[Sandrine says something in French]

I wish I was French, too.

It's my birthday tomorrow. I'm gonna be six!

And I'm having my party up there tonight!

Really? In your apartment.

For my sixth birthday, we had a private marionette show.

I'm gonna have 10 friends!

My seventh was at the Swedish Cottage.

First, my mom said I could only have six friends

because I'm gonna be six.

Then, Serendipity 3 delivered frozen hot chocolate.

But then, my dad talked her into letting me have 10.

Afterwards, my friends and I got carriage rides

in Central Park at sunset.

I'm gonna have a triple layer cake, with purple frosting.

And I'm gonna have really cool goodie bags,

right, Mom?

Not the goodie bags again.

Eliza, you are brave.

Really? How so?

Just to live as you do, you know?

The stairs, the children, the car, the dog.

It's a bit exhausting, no?

Is that your definition of "brave"?

Eliza, could you give me a hand with this buckle?

Um, Mom, you forgot my backpack,

and I definitely need it before choice time.

Okay.

Eliza, are you...?

Are you wearing your nightgown?

Has it really come to this?

That I, Eliza K. Welch,

find myself humiliated in my nightgown

in front of my neighbor's townhouse?

My husband has run Clara around the corner to P.S. 3,

and I have exactly nine minutes to write.

How can a mother articulate her ideas

with anything approaching wit or conviction

in such ridiculously tiny wedges of time?

Oh, it's ZachsMommy again.

"Quit complaining, SanctaMommy!

No one has any time.

Save your quest for self-expression until the kids go off to college."

Must a woman's soul wither and die

simply because she opted to become a mother?

I want to finish the laundry and a complex sentence,

to think tantalizingly deep thoughts

and throw a magical birthday party for my daughter.

Is that truly too much to ask?

Tomorrow, Clara turns six.

She's more than half way to double digits.

She'll be going to college in 12 years.

That used to seem like a long time.

Now I can blink, and it'd be over.

"Speak your mind and become our resident Mom-ologist

with your very own column,

worth up to 3,000 dollars a month!

Runners-up receive either 1,000 dollars

or an all-expense paid trip to this year's Mamapalooza,

the festival for moms who rock."

You've gotta be kidding me.

"Just send us 500 words telling us what motherhood means to you."

Oh, my God!

It's perfect!

Oh, no.

Folks, coming up,

we're going to see the historic former home of Edna St. Vincent Millay.

But first, get those cameras ready...

Excuse me.

This is a neighborhood, people, not a theme park.

"Get her picture! Get her...!

"Here's the corner we all know and love from Friends."

Though, whenever you see an inside shot,

that was actually filmed on a soundstage in Los Angeles.

Hurry, kids! Hurry! Come on!

Hey! Sheila! Sheila!

Hi! What's shakin', babe?

Do I have Joan Crawford eyebrows?

I applied pencil like it was magic marker, and I didn't check.

Tell me the truth.

No, they look good. They're, 'ya know, zesty.

Zesty?

I have to have this in Clara's classroom by choice time,

or it's sudden death for Bad Mommy.

- Will you walk with me? - Sure.

Hey, do you want me

to pick up Clara and bring her with us?

'Cause I know Trixie would love it.

But I thought Joel had the kids on Fridays.

Oh, he's in Santa Fe.

Oh... Chasing another new wild potter?

I don't know. Maybe. Who cares?

I've really gotta go for this, right?

I mean, there's something validating about having a real job, you know?

It's been awhile.

Yeah, there's definitely something validating about having a real job.

I mean, especially one that actually pays you more

than the childcare required to do it.

And it has been awhile.

You sure you're ready to move

beyond entourages of organic snacks?

Completely!

I mean, it gives me a chance to explore what it really means

to become a mother, and nobody talks about this stuff.

The sleep deprivation,

the funks, the non-stop cleaning, the death of lust.

I can see Lunchbox magazine flying off the stands.

Here's my first headline:

"To thine own self be true: Don't Breed."

Too late.

Hi, Trixie!

Shit!

- What? - Avery forgot to walk Coupon!

Shit is right.

You better get home, or you're gonna find a deposit on your rug.

Avery?

Avery.

This stuff is incredible, really.

Uh, Avery, um, did you forget something this morning?

What?

I don't know, it was essentially our firstborn, you know?

The one with the incontinence issues?

Oops, sorry.

Single most abused word in the English language.

"Oops" or "sorry"?

All right, so I'll stay with Lucas, and you go get Coupon.

Oh, no, no, no. You can't do that.

I got an editorial meeting at 9:30.

If I don't leave now, I'm never gonna make it.

No, no, no, no! You never told me that!

Yes, I did. I told you this morning while you were combing Clara's hair.

Don't worry, I'll be back by 1:00.

No, but 1:00 is too late!

I don't think Coupon can hold it till then,

and he can't walk himself

because he can't make it down the stairs anymore.

Holy Moly!

Did you go to the cash machine at least?

Eliza, I wish you would stop talking to me like I'm impaired.

Yes, I did.

I... No... I'm sorry, okay?

There's just something I want to do today. It's incredible.

It's this writing thing, which could be just perfect for me and...

I guess I'll just figure out how to get it all done by myself.

Bye! Bye!

Oh, come on.

I got ya!

Orange juice.

Edith? I forgot your orange juice.

I'm sorry, I'll bring you some more later?

Orange juice? I don't need any orange juice, dear.

I'm closing the door now, Edith. It's not safe to leave it open.

Okay.

Hurry up, Coupon, let's go.

Street sweeper! Street sweeper!

Oh! Oh, God. Coupon! Get busy.

Get busy.