Screamboat

Light, please.

Thank you.

Come on, you stupid--

-(GAS WHOOSHES) -What was that?

Looks like something's moving in the shadows.

Welcome to the Staten Island Ferry.

These old boats are full of all kinds of surprises.

The key is to just go with the weirdness.

I thought my first day would be like on the water.

You know, sun in my face, wind in my hair.

Not in a dungeon of this old dump.

The fuck was that?

Is this boat even seaworthy?

Ferry Mortimer, yeah.

This was actually headed to the scrapyard,

but got a steady execution, because it's marathon week.

Now, give me that crowbar.

Time to liberate my golden parachute.

Come on.

This hole's from the 1920s,

back when the Staten Island Ferry ran on steam.

This piece of history right here got to be worth 50 grand, easy.

Florida here I come!

-(LAUGHTER) -(FOOT FALLING)

I think you just released a plague.

-(LAUGHS) -(COUGHS)

Look at this fucking beauty.

Okay, that was definitely something.

It was probably just a rat, kid.

Awesome.

Well, I'm thinking about quitting on the first day.

Take my advice, kid.

This city will give you shit, kick you right in the dick.

So pay your dues, and take whatever you can,

and get the hell out before you lose your fucking mind.

It's the New York way.

Dom! Dom, what happened?

Oh, fuck!

Oh my God, is it bad?

Oh, something hit me.

It's bad. Neil, it's bad.

It's not good.

I got you, come on.

We're not alone.

Come here and see

what six years of Varsity Baseball gets ya!

Go Farrell Lions!

Fuck no.

No.

Please.

No!

No, wait!

-(GRUNTS) -(PANTS)

Whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on. No. The boat's not leaving yet.

You got time. What?

What's the matter, what?

You being chased by a maniac or something?

No.

Birthday party.

You being chased by a birthday party?

I was serving them in the bar all night

and then they found out I was going to Staten Island, too.

Oh, shit.

Probably would have been safer with a maniac, though.

Please, don't tell them that you saw me.

Yeah, well, you need me to cover for you?

Yes, please, please, please.

Yeah, yeah, I got you, I got you.

Come on, ladies, next round's on our new bestie!

Let's keep this party going!

Only in New York, am I right?

Not really the only in New York store

I imagined when I moved here,

but it's the only kind I attract.

Okay, well, listen,

I'm going to point to the upper deck,

so they think that's where I'm sending you,

but you're really going to want to go down

to the lower level stern, all right?

-The lower level stern? Got it. -Yeah, trust me.

Go, go, go, I got you, I got you.

Enjoy the ferry. I'll be on the top deck.

Hey, listen up, peasants, it's my fucking birthday,

and I decree this the best night ever!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey,

hold on, hold on, ladies, ladies, tickets, please.

No, it's my birthday.

She's not paying for anything.

Isn't the ferry free?

-Yeah. -Correct. You get a prize.

Wait, that woman, where was she headed?

It's same thing I tell everyone,

best view's on the top deck.

Out of my way.

I want to be where the people are.

There's still a dead zone in the middle of this ride?

No, the ferry's got free Wi-Fi actually.

Public Wi-Fi?

Ew.

-(GAGS) -Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

I think I'm gonna be seasick.

All right, well, technically, you're still on land,

so I don't know why you--

Ooh, do you think they have boat karaoke?

I don't think so.

All right, bye.

We got a Category 5 birthday party

heading up to the barge.

Figures.

Hey, hold on.

(ON SPEAKER) Welcome aboard the Staten Island Ferry.

Please take a moment and pay attention

to the following safety announcements.

During docking, stay off the stairs, ramps,

and landings until the ferry has come to a complete stop

and has adjourned.

Failure to do so could result in serious injury.

In case of an emergency,

listen for announcements and instructions from the crew.

Please familiarize yourself with the location of

lifejackets on this ferry.

(ON RADIO) Ferryboat Mortimer, do you copy?

Bill, pick up the radio.

Okay, Bill, listen.

You're gonna want to get cozy at the dock.

Coast Guard says that all harbor traffic is

suspended until this fog lifts.

We're canceling ferry services for the next hour.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not tonight.

This is my fifth night of mandatory overtime

on the oldest rust bucket on the fucking fleet.

I'm tired.

I don't feel well.

I gotta take a shit.

Nothing's coming out.

I want to go home.

I'm-- I'm calling the fucking union right now.

No, no.

Stand by.

This fucking guy.

This fucking guy.

Technically, the delay goes into effect on the hour.

If you get out now, you're clear to depart.

Just-- just take it slow on that old shitbird, big guy.

All right?

Thank you, tower.

And make it back in the St. George in one piece, okay?

And eat some fiber, fuck.

Good evening, everyone.

Weather conditions are foggy.

There's a storm coming in.

It will be departing momentarily.

It's gonna be a long fucking night.

Okay. Woo!

Hello! Party boat! Hello!

Okay!

Let's get this jungle cruise going?

Ew! Is the ferry always this disgusting?

That just means you're too sober.