Peep Show

'Don't screw this up. No screw-ups. Got to impress! '

So Mr Corrigan, we've examined your loan application and I have one question.

Are you a pathetic, worthless punk?

Er, well, no.

Right. Because I'm going to turn you down as if you were a hippy parasite.

'Oh, yes. Yeah, I like it.'

Then I'll make you feel like a turkey fucker.

Why? Because I'm the big man and you're a shit heel, right?

'Brilliant. That is just so spot on.'

Or... I could treat Mr Corrigan like a valued and respected customer

and we'd both end up winners.

- Isn't that right, Mr Corrigan? - Right. Absolutely!

- Dead right. - 'Alan Johnson, I'm in love.

'I'm in love with you, Johnson.'

'There are two basic energies in the world.

'Stress and relaxation.'

Super Hans...

- What are we doing? - We...

are looking through the other end of the telescope.

I don't feel very well.

- Did something bad happen? - Everything's OK.

There's two basic energies in the world - stress and relaxation.

- Did I break through? - You passed out after the love beans.

I thought the table was being ironic.

But what was the bad thing?

'FIoss is boss. Floss is boss.'

- Floss is boss! - 'No, not that.

'Something worse.'

- What happened? - That will probably become clear later.

Like the French Revolution.

- I think we need to tidy up. - Absolutely not.

That is the one thing I stand against. A thousand times, no.

Hi! Come in, come in.

- Hi, guys. - Hiya, Soph.

- How's it going? - Oh, good, thanks.

'Ask her to go to the bar. Ask her! '

We're just watching a bit of Morse. Care to join us?

I don't think right now. Er, Mark...

- I just wanted to say about the lift. - 8:15 sharp?

Yeah. I forgot about Debbie's wheelchair.

- Yeah? - I think it'll take quite a bit of room.

- Right, well, that... - Dave's helping her so I said to him...

I mean, I could... help.

Yeah... Yeah, sure. It's just Dave's been, you know...

Oh, yeah. Totally. Absolutely.

'Dave's the saint. Nothing must unseat Dave.'

I'm really sorry. I'm sure you'll be able to get another lift or a train.

- Honestly, it's fine. - Sorry.

Thanks. Well, see ya.

Bye.

- Night. - OK, night.

'Yes, I know what you're thinking.

'I'm shit, you're great. I'm the worm, you're the king.

'Eat your nuts and go fuck yourself.'

'Oh, I feel like loam, a piece of loam. Jesus, what am I talking about?

'I wish Mark was here. No more drugs. I don't need drugs.

'I mean, what great music was ever made on drugs?

'Bowie, obviously. The Floyd, the Prodge, Aphex - the list is endless really.

'But they could have done it twice as fast with half the mess if they just...

'Ah, was that the bad thing?

'Not that. Something wronger.

'Mark'll be so pleased when he sees this. He's just so...

'Maybe I could open my bank statements.

'Maybe you can be boring and cool.'

'I only asked about the bus. I'm not a freak.

'Checking into the hotel, it's all, "And can we get you fresh whatever?"

'Once you're leaving, it's, "Well, one of you is liable for the cashews." Sophie...

'Jeff?!

'That fucking... Oh!

'What's the story there?!

'This is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever. Oh, my fucking life.

- 'It's Alan Johnson.' - Mark! It is Mark, isn't it?

- Yes, it is. It's Mark. - So?

- Do you want a lift or what? - I would love a lift.

'Shit! This is the best thing to happen to anyone ever.'

? ...moonlight Dancing in the moon...?

'Look at me. Friends with a big black businessman

'like it's the most natural thing in the world.

'Lf he got accused of a crime he hadn't committed, I could come to his aid and... '

- Jez? - Hey, you're back! This is great.

- You're really back. - Er, yes.

The El Dude Brothers are back in town. Aaaggh! Aaaggh!

Uhhhh. Uhhhh.

Come on in. Sit down. Tell me all about your trip. I want to hear everything -

all the gory details.

Did you bring back any little tiny soaps?

- Jez, are you all right? - Course I am. Now you're back.

Right. That's very nice and everything, Jez, but I should open some wine.

- Rather a good friend is coming over. - Wine?

Friend?

But you haven't got a friend. Who's your friend?

Phoney Tony, I call him.

This government is all spin, it's smoke and mirrors.

I totally agree. I couldn't agree more.

- The way he licks Bush's arse. - Pathetic!

They're spending more on schools but where's the evidence?

What schools? Where? Where the heck are they? Can you see them?

'This is good. Yeah, three guys sitting around, shooting the shit.

'Politics doesn't have to be boring. A lot of Moby's stuff is political, I think.'

Yeah, it's all lies, isn't it?

Don't tell me that Blair wears a suit when he's at home watching Big Brother.

- (Mark) 'God. Not in front of Johnson.' - How do you mean exactly?

They should be more honest.

At least, Tony Adams from the IRA,

he's like, "Yeah, I shoot people. I like shooting people."

If they were more honest,

maybe people wouldn't switch straight over when the news comes on.

You turn over when the news comes on?

No, no. No, sometimes...

maybe for a treat, but generally, it's great.

Who do you support? I mean, Mark likes Israel, I'm Palestine.

Makes it more interesting when you pick a...

No?

So I'll show you what I've done so far on the book.

- The book? - Business Secrets Of The Pharaohs.

It's only chapter one, but it gives a flavour...

'Oh, my God. The bad thing.

'That's the bad thing! '

Make a tsunami!

Can I have a look?

It doesn't seem to...

Oh! Oh, dear.

Look what you've... Oh, is it all right?

- Well, no, but it wasn't working when... - Oh, yes, it was.

It was working fine and then you spilt your drink on it. That's what happened.

That's what I saw.

'Me and Johnson. We only met a fortnight ago.

'Everything's happening so fast.' That sounds... That sounds just...

- amazing. - Excellent. Second.

Yeah, but the relocation thing, moving out on Jeremy,

- it feels a bit weird, Dad. - 'Shit! '

- Sorry? - It feels weird, daddio.

- 'Good save.' - Why, daddio? Third.

Well, nowadays, email and so forth, do I really need to move to Cardiff?

Let me tell you a story. It's about two mountain climbers.

One's climbing. The other one is injured, weak, clinging to the first guy's leg.

- Uh-huh. Interesting. - The first guy has a choice.

Let his pal cling on and they're both yak food or...

shake him off and make it to the top -

solo.

'I've got to tell him. How am I going to tell him?

'Oh, this is horrible. He might crumble.

'He's weak. Remember the Johnson.'

- Hey, Jez! - Hey.

So, what do you make of this place? You choose what you want.

'This could be good. Just like the old days. Don't slag off Johnson yet.'

Johnson told me about it. According to Johnson, wasabi sauce is...

Oh, Johnson says, Johnson says!

If you love Johnson that much, why don't you marry him?

Where did this come from all of a sudden?

Why don't you actually screw him, since you clearly want to so much?

Jeremy!

I've got nothing against being gay but I'm not and neither is Johnson.

He's black, which I expect you've noticed.

So just because he's black, I have to like him.

Do I? That's political correctness gone mad. Look, Mark, I'm sorry...

'Jesus, I'm just the sort of person who'd be gay and repressive to himself.'

The thing is, well...

There's no easy way to put this but... Johnson's invited me in with him.

He wants me to get into bed, team up with him.

- It would mean relocating to Cardiff. - You're kidding?

Look, I really feel I need to go for this, Jez.

Look, it's not as if it's the end... for us.

We're still the El Dude Brothers. We always will be. It's just...

I'm leaving.

I can't spend my life with you at base camp.

OK, OK...

That's fine. I'm fine with that.

Good.

'lf I keep smiling, maybe he won't leave.'

This is a pretty cool place, isn't it?

Chopsticks.

Hmm, these are a bit long for me actually.

'He's cracked. I hope he doesn't do anything drastic.'

That's better. So tell me all about the wasabi sauce.

'lf he hangs himself,

'I could put an orange in his mouth and say it was a fatal wanking accident.'

I'm so glad you came here for a follow-up, man.

You totally blew apart Barbara's whole stone-age business paradigm.

Like taking candy from a baby.

'Maybe I do fancy him. He's handsome.

'Not in a gay way. It's just obvious. He's a good-Iooking guy - a guy's guy.

- 'But would I...? ' - Hey, Mark.

Sophie!

Sophie, Sophie, Sophie! You know Alan, of course.

Yeah, quite a seminar. Barbara went home crying.

I'm just a doctor. I didn't make the needles sharp.

It's not a wig, Alan. That's actually her hair.

You've got to admit, she was asking a lot of questions.

- Thought you big kahunas should know. - Yeah, whatever.

See you.

Jesus, some people!

You point them to a lift and they're like, "No, I'll take the stairs."

'I do want to be with him but could I think about kissing?

'Well, I'm thinking about it.

'No, I'm just thinking about thinking about it.'

Yeah, she's very...

Yeah... I could have a little thing going there with Sophie actually.

- Well, my advice is keep it little. - Yeah?

Women? Does a balance sheet ever cry and say it needs time to think?