A Russell Peters Christmas Special

Um, excuse me can I help you?

Hi, I'm Russell Peters.

I see, well you're late.

And the show must go on.

How could I be late, this is my special.

Everybody else was here on time.

Everybody else is wearing white, except for you.

Why were you here on time?

Hey I'm just dancing to pay my way through College.

Ha ha, that's cute.

We tried really hard to make this special, special.

Well then, let's make this special, special.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Narrator: No more sleeps, it's time for

a Russell Peters Christmas.

With Pamela Anderson.

Michael Bublé.

Jon Lovitz.

Scott Thompson.

Faizon Love.

The Toronto Bach Children's Choir.

With special guest, Goapele.

Russell's mom.

And Ted Lange as the bartender.

And of course, Russell Peters!

All right, all right.

Welcome to my Christmas special everybody.

And let's hear it for my special, special dancers

that you just saw.

I want to um,

I want to start by saying this is not a holiday special,

or a non-denominational special.

This is actually a Christmas special.

Thank you. I like to, you know.

That being said, I mean if the money's right.

I could probably, I mean, for any type of special really.

Who am I to, you know, segregate everybody.

Next year you should watch out for Russell Peters rockin'

Rosh Hashanah party, and uh,

Russell's rama-dama-da-ding dong.

Or my Russell O'Peters drink till she's cute

St. Paddy's Day party.

You don't need to be white to pretend you're Irish,

that's what I say.

Right Asian guy with the green shirt on?

He's like, oh so Irish.

Thank you for the green beer.

It's great to be back home, cause Christmas,

it just feels right in Canada you know.

Well Christmas just feels cold in Canada, to be honest,

but that's what I know.

That's the way I grew up.

Funny thing about Christmas, everybody assumes that I'm some

sort of Eastern religion, you know.

Some sort of doom-dooka.

Whatever, you know what I mean, like.

Whatever it is you look at when you see me you're like,

oh Christmas special with him, right, oh yeah.

Oh good one, you know.

There's nothing wrong with thinking that, I'm sure I might

have been one of those religions in one of my past lives.

But it's funny because my parents, I was raised Catholic

and my parents would, you know, they were immigrants and when

they came here they would wish everybody Merry Christmas and

people would just look at them like they were crazy.

Merry Christmas.

And white people wouldn't know and they'd be like thank you.

Namaste?

What the hell is wrong with you I'm telling you Christmas.

My dad would somehow extend Christmas to Christmaas.

Merry Christmaas.

You say kiss my ass?

No, Christmaas.

Kiss your own ass.

I'm excited about Christmas this year because, uh, it's my first

Christmas with my daughter, she's gonna be one this year,

It's great, cause you know, she doesn't even know it's

Christmas, so I get to go and buy whatever I think she needs.

Like I bought her a Rolls Royce, um,

I'm gonna drive it until she's ready.

And I got her a Wii, cause you know, one day.

But I'll get that ready for her too, you know.

I did ask her what she wanted, and uh, turns out she's a big

fan of ABBA because I saidhahat do you want?

And she went abba abba abba abba.

I thought she was a dyslexic sheep at first.

Abba abba abba abba.

When I was growing up my family wasn't broke, we were by no

means rich, we knew where broke lived and it was a couple of

houses away so, broke was closer than rich would ever be.

Like to us, rich was the family that had like, you know, the,

the car with air conditioning, that was rich on our street.

It was like ohh, they have air conditioning in their car.

That guy's minting it.

That was my dad, he's minting money.

What's he, minting.

That's not your name is it?

But immigrant parents never really, are you from an

immigrant family?

You are. Where's your family from?

Greece.

Greece okay, so you got it the worst, I mean,

out of everybody cause.

Were you Greek Orthodox, growin' up?

So Christmas was like a week later right?

We go by the old calendar.

Go by the old calendar?

I always thought that Christmas was on December 26

in the evening because that's when

I would get my gifts.

Cause my parents would go out for boxing day specials.

I'm like dad it's the twenty-fifth.

Not till tomorrow evening.

You think Santa can get around the whole world so quickly?

Did your parents because they were immigrants, they never

bought you the real official toys did they?

My parents didn't, they would never buy like,

they never got me G.I.Joe,

they would get me like a National Guard Nathaniel

or something, know what I mean?

He wouldn't have weapons, just have a phone to call

G.I. Joe with, you know what I mean?

My Jamaican friend Marlin, he would get a soldier,

but it was a buffalo soldier.

It was a dreadlock Rasta.

I didn't get a Cabbage Patch Kid, I got a curry patch kid.

You squeeze it and it just, it just had the runs.

I don't even know how this.

The reason I'm doing a Christmas special's because when I was

growing up, all the Christmas specials never

looked like me.

I mean Rudolph looked like me, and I was convinced he was

Indian cause he had a shiny red thing on the centre of his face.

I was like, I'm telling you that guy's Indian, he would always

end up leading the rickshaw, you know just...

Wouldn't get to play in any reindeer games unless the

computers broke down and then he could help them.

But back in the day, remember like when they said white

Christmas you did the same thing I did, you thought,

well that's what they mean.

They're not talking about the weather when I was a kid.

But in all fairness I wouldn't want another coloured Santa.

I want a white Santa.

I want a big, fat, white Santa Claus that's what I want.

You can't have a brown guy with a long beard sneaking into your

house and leaving packages.

You don't.

You're calling the bomb squad immediately.

Nobody wants a Chinese Santa, you know.

Leaves Rudolph's nose on for keke the whole flight.

I thought you were turning right already.

Nobody trusts a black Santa, let's be honest, come on.

The gifts should be staying in the house, not leaving that's

what I'm saying.

Coming up with a title for my Christmas special wasn't very

easy, here are some of the failed titles that we had.

We had Gold Frankincense and Me.

Russell Peters Christmas Goose.

The Boxing Day Eve special.

We Vishnu a Merry Christmas.

The Little Hummer Boy.

Yes Fatima there is a Santa Claus.

So we got really creative and we're calling it

a Russell Peters Christmas.

What'd ya think?

You know the other good thing about Christmas is there's

certain traditions that happen at Christmas time that are only

useful for Christmas.

Like you can't transfer these to other holidays.

At no time of the year can you sit on a fat white

dudes lap and just ask him for stuff, you know what I mean.

Big fat white guy in June, hey you wanna sit on my lap,

tell me what you want?

I'm like yeah, I'm gonna call the cops.

You don't drink egg nog any other time of year, do you?

You don't.

Nobody wants, can you get me a vodka cran and an egg nog.

For the lady.

This is my favourite Christmas tradition though, mistletoe.

That's uh, that's the best.

It'shehe only time of the year that makes sexual harassment

acceptable.

But since it is Christmas, and this is my special I hired my

own mistletoe wrangler Phil. Phil where are you?

Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Phil

the mistletoe wrangler.

Show them how it works Phil.

There ya go.

Oh shoot.

Jesus, do you guys know each other?

Sweet.

This girl started sweating, she was like oh my god, oh my god.

Are you with that guy?

No, that'd have been awkward huh?

It would have been an awesome victory for you, you know.

We have a great show for you tonight, so sit back,

relax and enjoy.

Vinta, give me the glasses, I can't see.

Oh, such a shame.

What, tell me.