The Twelve Tasks of Asterix (Les douze travaux d'Astérix)

In the year 50 B.C.

all of Gaul was covered with an impenetrable forest...

where calm, peace and quiet reigned supreme.

Only the birds...

Hold on.

Hold on!

I said the year 50 B.C!

Thank you.

In the year 50 B.C. all of Gaul was covered with impenetrable forests,

where calm, peace and quiet reigned supreme.

Julius Caesar, after much fierce fighting, had succeeded in conquering the land...

intending to set the seal of Roman civilisation on his latest conquest.

Yes, in the year 50 B.C. all of Gaul was occupied by the Romans.

All? No! Somewhere in Armorica, a little village was holding out against the invaders.

A little village surrounded by entrenched Romans.

The inhabitants of that village, do I really need to introduce them?

Will the people in the room who haven't met them yet please hold up their hands?

Ah, all right. Lower your hands, lower your hands. I'll make the introductions.

This big hut is the home of the undisputed chief of the village.

The formidable Abraracourcix.

Darling.

Darling!

Please, darling, it ought to be me up on that shield!

I'm the chief after all!

I've got to go out shopping. You can have your shield back later.

Meanwhile, you tidy the place up a bit. It's like a wild boar's sty!

Come on, you two!

This is Assurancetourix, the village bard.

People don't always appreciate his talents...

and sometimes express their feelings in a tactful and delicate way.

Ah, here comes Idéfix, the village mascot...

and a great friend of Obelix, the carrier of menhirs.

Come, Idéfix. Come, my sweet, come here.

I'm teaching him to retrieve menhirs, Astérix.

He could be a big help in my work.

You know, Obelix, it isn't that I don't think that dog's very intelligent...

but I do sometimes wonder if he isn't a rather small to carry menhirs.

The voice of reason you have just heard...

belongs to the renowned Astérix, the best warrior in the village.

The adventures of Astérix...

are on sale in all the best bookshops and have been translated into every language.

Salute! Guten tag! Hello! Hi! こんにちは!

Brao chu! Skopula opuko! Farmenesh! Kokarico!

But you may ask yourself how did this little village with its handful of warriors...

manage to hold out against the all powerful Roman invaders?

Well, that was thanks to the magic potion brewed up by the Druid Panoramix...

which gave superhuman strength to those who were lucky enough to get it.

Oh, no Obelix! No! The potion has had a permanent effect on you!

You know you fell into the Cauldron when you were a baby.

"...fell into the Cauldron when you were a baby..." Nhanhanhay...

Oh, some Romans!

Centurion, what is the point of having another go?

You know what's going to happen. That lot are not human.

Maybe, but those are Caesar's orders.

Who knows, perhaps it will be different this time.

Charge the gate!

Form square!

Barbarians!

Well that's it, they are barbaric.

Join the army. Join the army, they said.

It didn't turn out so very different form usual, did it, Centurion?

- No, no not very. - I know a rather good joke...

Post equitem sedet atra cura.

Right, these Gauls will make Latin a dead language...

if Julius Caesar would insist on fighting them.

Those Gauls are simply not human Centurion, they just are not human.

You're right, they're not human.

Ordinary mortals could not resist the might of the Roman army.

I told you so.

They must be gods. We couldn't hope to fight the gods.

I'm going to Rome to tell Caesar. The gods are against us!

Gods?

Did those villagers hit you in the head too hard? Gods? That's laughable!

But Caesar, you do have to admit...

that these villagers can keep your army at bay.

In my opinion it is time we come to adopt a...

realistic approach to the situation.

If the gods are against us, we're done for.

While seeking to follow a constructive line...

I hope none the less to be quite objective...

and I have therefore come to the following conclusion...

it is no good trying to fight gods.

Let us suppose, to look on the bright side, we've only got to deal with demigods.

Well even so, it is still an extremely unpleasant predicament.

To take a concrete example, Hercules. Who is willing to take on Hercules?

Hercules? Gods or Demigods!

I, Caesar, will show you cowardly old counsellors...

that half-wits are only mortal, very mortal.

Brutus, stop playing with that knife. You'll end up hurting somebody.

But how are you going to show us that those Gauls aren't gods after all, oh Caesar?

Well first I shall visit them myself and I shall put them to certain tests...

which only the gods could perform.

And if they are gods, I should give in.

But if they are just men, ordinary human beings...

they'll have to face the anger of Caesar!

And by Jupiter, I tell you they'll finish up inside the lions of the circus!

Prepare my chariot, and my guards to escort me!

I think I heard a bell going darling, will you go and see who is there?

Julius Caesar is outside and wants to see you.

Julius Caesar, the Julius Caesar?

Himself.

Right, a towel for my feet, fetch my shoes. Let everyone know, Astérix!

Where have those carriers gone to?

Yes, yes, I'm coming!

- Leave them to me, leave them to me. - Calm, Obelix, let the chief have a word.

- Ave, village chief! - Hi, Julius, what are you doing here?

I have come to make a suggestion.

Your defiance of me is bad for my reputation!

In Rome they're starting to laugh at me.

They are saying a bunch of halfwits can hold the Roman army at bay.

Really, watch your language, by Toutasis.

You want some...

But other people say you must be gods.

- Gods? - Gods?

Yes, gods, and if that is so then I will admit defeat.

But if you are only men...

then you will have to give in into my power and accept our laws.

And how are me and my friends supposed to prove if we are really gods?

- I wonder if you have heard of Hercules? - Hercules Minus the grocer?

No, no. The god Hercules!

He performed twelve difficult labours, which earned him a place on Olympus.

The gods saw that he must be one of them.

Twelve labours? What labours?

He strangled the Nemean Lion, killed the Lernaean Hydra, caught the Erymanthian Boar alive...

hunted the Golden Hind of Artemis, shot the Stymphalian Bird with his bow...

tamed the bull on the Island of Crete, killed Diomedes...

conquered the Amazons, cleaned the Augean stables in a day, killed Geryon...

stole the golden apples of the Hesperides and set Theseus free from Hades.

And to prove we are gods, you want us to do all these daft things?

Not exactly, that's all a bit out of date now.

I set up a new set of labours.

Only gods could hope to perform all of them.

If you succeed, I will surrender myself to you...

but if you fail in even one task, then you will have to surrender.

Is that a deal?

- You bet your life, it's a deal. - Yes yes!

Right. These labours will take you to Rome. Caius Pupus!

Caius Pupus will act as your guide along the way...

and see that the labours are fairly performed.

He's the most trustworthy man and very honest.

So, if you should succeed, Rome will surrender.

If you fail in a single labour...

then you will all become slaves of Rome.

- Okay, we understand. - Ave!

Poor guys.

You really think Caesar would surrender and let you become masters of Rome?

Come to think of it, perhaps we got a bit carried away.

Oh, your magic potion will help us out Druid.

Sure, we'll have lots of fun, by Toutatis!

- Lots of fun? - Astérix is the cleverest man among us...

and Obelix is the strongest, so you two are the only ones who can succeed.

May Toutatis hear you.

Here is a gourd full of magic potion, mind you use it well.

You're going to need it!

Yes, you're going to need it.

- Well then, are we on? - We're off.

It's funny I wonder why Assurancetourix hasn't shown up to sing us a farewell song.

Hi, now for the first labour, follow me, please?

This is Merinus, just back from Marathon.

He was the fastest runner at the Olympic Games.

He can run faster than a horse, faster than the stone wind that howls through the trees.

One of you will have to beat him in a race.

You'll do it Astérix!

You're faster than me, faster than a horse wind howling through the trees.

Perfect.

We'll be waiting for you on the other side of the forest at the finishing line.

Start when all the sand has run out of the hour glass.

Well, fancy that, you are a real Olympic champion. That's very interesting.

We have athletics in the village too...

but obviously as we all get some of the magic potion it is not very exciting.

Are you listening to me? Right, I was saying it's not very interesting because...

we all get there at once and we have to draw lots with the winner.

You notice that I don't need to drink any magic potion because I'm very fast.

I say, you are not very chatty are you?

Hey, wait for me!

I think I'd better take a little bit of the potion. The village's future is at stake.

Hey there, not a bad start, you really took me by surprise!

I got a held up back there in the forest because I stopped to pick mushrooms.

You see? I like picking flowers too.

Look, aren't they beautiful?

If you like apples, I know a good place over there where there is a good tree.

Funny, the race has improved his profile.

That seems to be the first of your labours performed quite successfully.

So now for the next labour.

Kermes the Persian, the most amazing javelin thrower the world has ever seen.

His javelin has crossed seas and oceans.

Your second labour is to throw the javelin further than Kermes.

War! This means war!

Let me this time Astérix, let me!

All right! But throw it as far as you can.

Just you watch!

Second labour performed, and now for the next one.

You are going to fight Silindric the German.

No wrestler or gladiator has ever beaten him.

Silindric the German will come in that way. You must wait for him here.

Look at the size of those gates. He must be big, Silindric the German.

Yes, I like them big and strong.

- That's him, Silindric the German? - Why he isn't big at all!

I like them big.

Hey, suppose we give him some magic potion, Astérix?