Jay And Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie

Man, I feel good today, Silent Bob,

it's time to get back to work as New Jersey's

number one unlicensed gorilla weed merchants,

before all those bullshit legalised

dispensaries started opening.

Man, how the fuck do they expect a pair of hapless

motherfuckers like us to make a living

in this new enlightened world?

The selling days are over for low-level suburban

weed rackers like us, Lunchbox,

so you and me, we're gonna have to figure out

a new line of work for ourselves.

But we gotta start thinking about the future.

But before we do that,

how's about a little trip to the past, fat ass?

Yo, baby, ever have your asshole licked

by a fat man in an overcoat?

Now what the fuck is this shit?

Hold your fucking horses,

you bossy fuck, we're getting there.

I am the guardian of this sector of the galaxy,

I am an extraterrestrial and fatally wounded,

battling to save your planet

from those who would seek to enslave you.

You must take this ring, become the new guardians,

take up where I left off.

You must be, you must be--

Be good, Elliot.

Yo, that shit's from ET, son.

Heroes, save the fucking--

Touch my penis.

Please, you must blow into my penis for me to live.

I'm begging you, blow into my penis or I will die.

Put it in your mouth, just the tip,

if you put my penis in your mouth, I shall live,

if not, you are doomed.

Oh my god, it's dead, Silent Bob,

fuckin' ew, I touched a dead thing, ew, dude,

ew, get it off!

Get if off of me, get it off of me, I'm corroded!

Ew, dude, fuck.

I gotta wash this off, dude, let's find a bathroom.

Fuckin' weird dead guy all touchin' me and shit.

Alright, there's a bathroom in here, yo,

I just hope they let me back in after last time,

you know, when I wrote my name in poop on the stall wall,

remember that shit?

Look, I swear, if that dead guy gave me some disease,

I'm gonna kill that fuck.

Oh, look at little balls here,

he's got public piss syndrome.

Look, just go use the fuckin' stall toilet

like a little bitch, alright?

I wanna get outta here sometime this week,

you big girl's blouse.

I can see your baby junk, you big fat fuck.

What, dude?

I didn't write it.

Look, man, it ain't my fault word's out

that you give good blowjobs, alright?

Bong-schnoogans.

Yo, let's piss on the roll of toilet paper

so it blows up real fat like.

Oh man, sounds like something blew up, sir.

Whatever you did in here, can you do it again?

We missed it.

I was just here taking pictures

and there was an explosion.

No shit, I was taking a leak in the bathroom

and the explosion made me miss the bowl

and I hit the frickin' toilet paper roll.

Are you a science guy like--

My name's Peter--

Whatever man, look, if a dead guy touched me,

can I catch somethin' from him?

Oh, I'm not sure, I--

You fuckin' science guys are all alike, man.

No fuckin' answers for nothin'.

Never workin' on something for the betterment of mankind

like the flying fucking car like on the Jetsons.

Better yet, make a Rosie man, like the kind that cleans

the house and would call me Mr. Jay.

Yo this place gots bugs, sir.

Let's get the fuck outa here,

and small fry the science guy,

get to work on that sex Rosie, would ya?

Make sure you give her big fat lips, too.

And programme her to do anal.

Look man, I'm getting a weird feeling Silent Bob,

like the universe is tryin' to tell us something, sir.

You know, like we're supposed to do something.

Something important.

Something heroic.

One fuckin' side, Methuselah.

Fuckin' old timers think they

own the streets and shit, right?

You little Ben Affleck fuck.

Push me and Silent Bob, will ya?

Hey remember kids, mutant turtles are from Earth,

not from outer space, Michael Bay.

Who do these punk kids think they are, sir?

Where's the respect for their elders,

punk ass little bitch tried to sucker punch us.

That's the problem with this city, sir,

crime is everywhere.

What this burg needs is a protector, or two even.

Someone you know, someone who will take back

the night from the criminal element.

You know, someone like, hey look at this shit!

Voluntary Drug Testing, help out Uncle Sam

in his never ending battle against the kaiser by signing up

for the testing of a new drug that may aid

in the war against this nation's enemies.

All volunteers get a free $5 bill.

Holy shit, Silent Bob.

You know what this means, don't you?

Free drugs.

Yeah, boy.

After our rigorous elimination trials,

these two patriotic gentlemen have emerged as the prime

candidates for the testing of our new super solider serum.

Son, I cannot tell you how proud we all are of you boys.

You're doin' a great thing here today.

A great thing.

If the Doc's serum works as good as he's explain it will,

we'll suit you up in a costume,

give you an impenetrable shield made of the toughest element

known to man, and send you out

to fight this nation's enemies.

Did you hear that, Silent Bob?

We're getting shields.

All right, gentlemen, if you'll just lie down

on the table we can proceed with the injection

of the super soldier serum.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, injection?

Dude we don't skin pop sir.

What do we look like, some fuckin' junkies or something?

But, how else did you think we were going

to get the serum into your blood streams.

We thought we were gonna smoke it like weed and shit.

Oh, well the compound is too volatile

for anything other than injection.

Igniting it would be lethal.

I'm afraid it's the injection or nothing.

Well look then, it's fucking nothin' man.

No needles or glass pipes, sir.

Oh, but you're both already severe drug abusers.

Look, we're stoners man.

We get lit, we don't shoot shit.

There's a subtle difference.

Losers are users and users are losers man.

We just sayin' no yo.

Later for you, you fuckin' dope fiends.

And where's our free $5?

Look at you man, I can't believe you wasted

your free five bucks on scratch off tickets.

Man, why didn't you buy something useful you dumb fat fuck.

Like me, look, I bought smokes, papers and a soda.

We coulda doubled that order if you didn't waste

your green backs on that pie in the sky bullshit.

What now man?

Fuck you if you think I'm gonna apologise

for calling you a fat fuck.

You've been bulging outa that coat lately man.

What, this?

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Oh my God dude, we're rich.

Woo hoo, we are rich.

Hey!

Dude, I know just what we can do

with all this fat cash, yo.

A dream, we'd never been able to realise

if we hadn't won't his cash just now.

Let's become super heroes.

First we'll need a secret base.

You know, a big ass hole in the ground where we can change

into our outfits and plot out various super heroics

against a fucking criminal element.

And once we've fashioned a secret entrance we're gonna need

a sweet ass, specially designed mother fucker of a car with

trick buttons, gadgets, and a kickin' sound system.

Then, you can cook up some of those doohickeys

we can use in our two man war on crime.

Especially the blunt sabre.

Turn it off, turn it off.

I am not even supposed to be here today.

We gotta work on the height problem, sir.

Now that we're done with all that shit, we just need a name.

You know, somethin' we can use to strike fear into

the criminal hearts of our enemies.

Criminals are cowardly and super st, they're super st,

you know criminals are fuckin' pussies, man.

We need costumes and a schtick

that'll scare the fuck outa 'em, sir.