Melissa & Joey

Oh! Sorry! The town hall meeting ran late.

We had to vote six times on whether or not

some old lady could prune her shrubbery to look like Aphrodite

and Adonis hitting it doggy style.

How'd the vote go?

Well, let's just say the school district

is gonna have to reroute their buses.

But the important thing is I'm here for us all

to video chat with Ryder and wish him a happy eighteenth birthday!

- Would you like me to, um... - Yes!

Activate! Computer! Go!

Well, if you're gonna charm me...

Where's Dani? We all wrote the birthday song

together, we all have to sing it to him.

I'll invite her. Yo, Dani!

What? In my family, that's a formal invitation.

If this is about the math test, I have a totally legitimate explanation.

- What math test? - (Laughs) Exactly.

What math test?

- Dani... oh! It's connecting. - (Beeping)

We got Ryder in New Orleans.

- (Computer chimes) - Hey, guys!

All: Hey!

Uh... what's hap...

Oh, "call failed." That's a relief.

I thought Ryder had a stroke. Joe, make the Internet work!

Okay, calm down, Mel. Video chats never go through the first time.

- Or the ninth time. - Tenth, but who's counting?

You know, when you watch 24, there's never a glitch with their video calls.

Maybe it's because they have that awesome pretend Internet.

I actually think I figured out a way that we can reach Ryder, though.

- Oh. Good, what do I do? - We're gonna call him.

On the phone.

But then I won't be able to see him

and witness that moment when he transitions from boy to man.

Yeah, honey, I think that's already happened,

and luckily we weren't there to witness that.

Look, I know it's a big deal to you.

It's his birthday, but we can just call him on the phone.

That's just as good as a video call.

You're right. A phone call is fine.

I'm sorry. Give me a kiss, you big stud.

- Mm... - Or maybe I'll just wave.

And maybe instead of sex, we can just high five.

Honey, honey. Look, I know how much this means to you.

But we tried. I tried Skype.

I tried FaceTime. I don't know what else to do.

You know what? Okay. Maybe it's the router.

You know what? I'll unplug it, we can reset it.

We'll see what happens. It should take, like, three minutes.

Three minutes? That's forever. What are we gonna do for three minutes?

We could hard boil an egg, or, uh...

You know, we could have some sex.

Is it just me, or since marriage has your game gone way downhill?

Lennox, can I get a little advice?

Wait, you're asking me for advice?

You grew up on the road with rock bands. I thought you knew everything.

I know what Gene Simmons looks like in Spanx,

but I don't know anything about boys under 60.

Okay, that's an image I don't need,

but I'm all ears.

Well, I texted this boy, about, you know, hanging out,

and he hasn't text me back.

So when I text him again, what should I say?

Don't say anything,

because you don't want to look like a desperate freak,

and there's no recovering from the double text.

- How do you know? - It happened to me.

It was a long time ago.

It was a flip phone.

A what?

Can we plug it in now?

No, it's only been two minutes and 17 seconds. Okay?

The barometric pressure is 29.9.

Oh, and it's almost lunchtime in Jakarta. I love my watch.

Guess what?

Dani just came to me for advice, and I gave it to her.

Ah! Now I know the satisfaction you feel when you give me advice.

Oh, honey, I don't give you advice for the feeling of satisfaction.

I give it to you for the feeling of superiority.

No, you know, it's just for the first time I feel like

I know what it means to have a little sister.

Oh! This is so wonderful!

I have mentored you into becoming a mentor!

Wow. How did you manage to make this about you so quickly?

Someday, I'll teach you.

- How about now? - This is not a toaster, honey.

All right? This is a precision piece of electronic equipment.

Okay. All right, ready?

Six, five, four, three...

Close enough.

- Oh! Okay. Here we go. - (Computer chimes)

And the Internet is back to full... Trickle. What?

I don't get it!

Well, you did everything you could.

I mean, no one could have done any more.

Except maybe a professional, which is why I think

it wouldn't be a bad thing right now to call Jiffy Nerds.

The guys in the orange smart cars?

They're professional nerds, any car they get in is gonna be smart.

I can fix this myself, Mel.

Joe, darling, tender Joe, I love you.

And even if you can't fix everything in the house, I will still love you.

That is the cruelest thing you've ever said to me.

Oh, hey, you guys, I just text Ryder.

And he's going out with his friends later, but he's home right now.

So we can just text him "Happy Birthday."

Lennox, do not go there.

Text him "Happy Birthday"?

Too late.

Why don't we just get some candles and stick them in some dog poo?

'Cause that's the same thing as cake, right?

Hey, Ryder will eat almost anything.

Okay, we are not doing this by phone, or by text.

We're gonna be talking to our loved one on the big computer screen,

all of us, face to virtual face! Any questions?

The answer is "no."

I think I found out what the problem is. Ha!

I just need to update our operating system.

How long will that take?

Faster than a nerd can get here in a smart car, baby.

There we go. All right, download will be complete in...

Five minutes. You're welcome.

- (Computer beeps) - Oh. Three minutes.

Yeah. I'm awesome.

- (Beeps) - Twelve minutes.

- Um... two hours. - (Beeping)

- 300 hours? - How is it going up? Joe, do something!

I'm trying! Abort, abort! Interrupt script! Hold on! Wait a minute! Oh!

Hey! I got it. Okay. I just stopped the download!

- (Laughs) - Well, congratulations, Jack Bauer.

And this helps us how?

How? Because now we definitely know it's the router, honey.

And if there's one thing I know about routers, it's...

Routers. Trust me.

Of course I trust you.

Hello, Jiffy Nerds?

I need you right now. My name is...

You already know my name? And my address?

Wow, you guys are good.

Wow. Looks like somebody threw a teeny-tiny hand grenade at your router.

Yeah, well, you know, dust can really foul up fragile equipment like this.

So, uh, I should have us up and running very soon.

That is one thing I'm sure of.

Because of what you're doing here.

I'm so lucky to have you.

You know, a man is nothing without a good woman right by his side.

Oh, and that's where I am. Right here by your side.

- (Doorbell rings) - Gotta go!

You called. We heard. Your problem will be cured. I'm a Jiffy Nerd.

Oh, good, you're here. Thank you for coming around the back.

No prob. (Grunts)

We're trying to make a video call and it's not working

and my husband thinks he can fix it himself.

Oh, we get that all the time. In fact, most of our business

is husbands fixing things.

Has it been thrown against a wall in frustration yet?

My husband or the computer?

They're both fine. For now.

- Uh, where's the computer? - In the living room.

- Okay. - Whoa! Where do you think you're going?

I find it helps if I'm in the same room as the machine.

I just want to video chat with my nephew.

Today is his eighteenth birthday.

At least for another 23 minutes.

And you want to be able to talk to him on his actual birthday.

Thank you!

We had a connection for a second, but then the screen froze.

- What did it look like? - Like this.

No, I mean was the image pixelated?

Was it just black? I should really see what's on the display.

No problem. I'll be right back.

Ma'am? It's cold out here.

What? You must be anemic, it's like a sauna out here.

Just warm yourself on the dryer exhaust.

Look at you, fixing a computer. Can I get a picture?

Of me fixing the computer?

Well, in the old days a man would be

raising a barn or killing a bear.

These are the moments women cherish.

Knock yourself out, babe.

What are you... You wanna take...

You know, you don't have to be in every picture you take.

Honey.

- (Door slams) - Here you go, everything you need.

- Fix it. - It's a photo of you.

- There's a computer there, too. - I can't do anything with this.

Should I even ask if I can scan the computer for viruses?

Press control, F7 and that will run the built-in antivirus scan.

I'm all over it.

Mel, check it out. I hard-wired the router.

So we should have a perfect signal.

- You fixed it? - Well, yeah. But I'll know for sure

as soon as I'm done reinstalling video chat.

Oh. Okay. Well, in the meantime how about I just reach in here

- and press control, F7. - Wait, wait! Control, F7?

What are you insinuating? That my computer has a virus?

Of course not!

I keep my computer clean, Mel.

I gotta tell you something, I'm shocked,