Daddy Day Camp

Got some.

- Dad peed in his pants. - Get used to it, son.

When I'm old, you'll have to change my diaper.

Another year over. I can't believe it.

I can't believe our sons are 7.

In a couple years, they'll be starting a band...

...growing their hair long...

...stealing your Suburban to go on tour.

Charlie, we have ourselves a situation.

Okay, I'll be a minute.

Phil. Phil.

Rare. Good. See'?

Save room for cake.

Never mind that on the cake.

- Hey, Mom. - Hey, slow down.

It was the end of Summer Olympiad between us and our rival camp.

The final event: The relay race.

Corning down the stretch, I was flying like the wind.

You were sweating sheets of rain.

You could barely move in a straight line.

- I was still in the lead. - Whatever.

I hand the baton to Charlie, he drops it, we lose everything.

Then Lance Warner flew right past you to the finish line.

I hated that snot-nosed little brat. He's why I didn't have a good time.

Honey, why is Ben going on and on about going off to camp?

The permission slip's been on the fridge for three weeks.

He really wants to go, and I think he should.

Well, Phil and I have talked, the boys aren't going.

- What do you mean? - I mean, they're not going.

All those snakes and spiders and wedgies.

Just because you had a bad experience as a kid at camp...

...doesn't mean our son will have one too.

- What are you talking about? - I was there. You were scarred for life.

I'm on the ground, staring up at my father.

He stands there with a look of disapproval.

Just over some stupid camp game.

I won't allow my son to let anything like that happen to him.

He will know I love and support him no matter what.

Good. Then you can love and support him going to camp.

You didn't hear what I just said?

Yes, I did, and he's not you, and you definitely are not your father.

Oh, and you're driving them.

There it is. Camp Canola.

You don't want to go to rival Canola.

But that's where everyone goes.

No, if you wanna go to camp, you wanna go to Driftwood.

Yeah, Camp Canola's some rundown shack...

...on a piece of swamp land.

At least, it used to be.

- Cool. - Awesome.

It's a lake. I don't remember a lake.

Well, this ain't nothing.

Wait till you see where you are going.

Camp Driftwood.

What the heck?

Yeah, well, you're crazy, Morty. That's the best offer...

...you're ever gonna get for this craphole.

I'm doing you a favour, butthead. You're crazy, Morty.

- Are you folks lost? - No, we're here to check out the camp.

You want to bring your kids here?

That's beautiful.

Yeah.

Hey, good luck with that.

Okay, kids, come on.

Didn't you hear? Camp's closed.

- Yes. - Yes.

What happened? This place used to be the best.

Well, now seems like everybody wants newer, better...

...properly licensed and bonded.

They want Camp Canola down the road.

You guys went to Driftwood?

Yeah, we were here when we were kids.

Then you know. This place really used to be something special.

And Canola was a dump. Then some rich family bought it...

...eventually turned it over to that mutant son of theirs.

What's gonna happen to Driftwood?

Well, soon I'm gonna have no choice but to sell it to Canola.

It's a pity. Because all he wants to do is bulldoze over it.

Can you believe it?

That kid has been a pain in my heinie since he won the '77 Olympiad.

I just hate to give that jerk Lance Warner the satisfaction.

Warner? Lance Warner?

He wants to buy this camp and tear it down?

Our camp?

You bought a what?

Not the whole camp, a partnership with the original owner.

I know the day care centre has been successful...

...but you've spent a lot fixing this house up...

...to accommodate more kids.

The Daddy Day Care brand means a lot in this town.

Re-purposing that brand into summer is just smart business.

Do you know how to run a camp?

That's just it. I'm not gonna run the camp, Uncle Morty is.

Phil and I are just gonna help out.

So I'll spend as much time with Ben as possible.

But you hate the outdoors.

Yes, but I hate Lance Warner more. No way my son's going to his camp.

Please just send him to Canola. That's where all his friends are.

No. No way.

Listen, my father sent me to camp and it didn't go so great. Okay?

Maybe I can give Ben the positive experience I never had.

Just promise me you'll let...

...this Uncle Morty do the real outdoorsy stuff.

I don't wanna have to send a search party...

...to come rescue your lost butt in the woods.

Come on, Sally, now, don't play hard to get.

Oh, you little tease.

Oh, you-- I've gotcha.

It's another beautiful woodchuck day, baby.

Hey, that's great. You remember the old cheer.

I can't thank you guys enough. I mean, you saved the old place.

Yeah, well, with your help, I'll show that Lance Warner...

...how to run a good old-fashioned summer camp.

Swell. I'll see you guys in September.

Say what, now?

Uncle Morty?

Excuse me. Morty, you can't leave.

You're supposed to be overseeing the camp. We're partners.

I've been watching over this camp for 30 years.

It's time I took a vacation, partner.

Don't worry. Dale here will show you the ropes.

- He's the best counsellor I got. - No, Morty, wait. You can't leave.

Wait. Come back.

What was that about?

This is my first day.

Charles Hinton?

- I'm Charlie. - I'm from FMJ Bank.

No doubt your uncle Morty informed you of the liens...

-...we have against your property. -Informed?

He just took his little fishy up the road.

As the business has no clients...

...therefore no discernible means of income...

...the bank will have no choice but to foreclose on the property.

- Foreclose? - Foreclose?

Let me ask you something.

What if this camp could show discernible means of income?

Continue.

We have run the Daddy Day Care Center...

“successfully for the past several years.

Allow us to use the hard-earned trust that name brings...

...to build in new clientele.

I suppose I could recommend to the bank...

...that we extend the debt for about a month.

Assuming, of course, that you can maintain the camp...

...and a client base of at least 3O children.

We'll have it in tiptop shape in no time.

Yeah, you got a methane problem, all right.

Gonna have to have that baby pumped.

Oh, crap.

Yeah, you said it. Gonna need a whole new septic tank...

...new plumbing, the works. Cost you about 14.

- Hundred? - Thousand.

You know what? We'll buy the kids gas masks.

It's your party, pally, but that methane is dangerous.

You boys best be careful.

- Phil. - What? That wasn't me.

Okay, here's your lunch, sweetie.

It's a sugar-free, wheat-free, gluten-free, tofu nugget.

You have your Sidekick with text, GPS locator in case you get lost...

...and waterproof sunscreen, in case it gets sunny...

-...while it's still raining. - Mother, it's day camp.

I'll be seven miles away.

And home before dinner.

Did you take your Xanax?

I don't wanna go to camp in the rain.

I wanna stay home watching nudie flicks.

The brochure said there would be sun. Please behave yourself.

And for the love of God, try not to make anyone bleed.

Take your Dramamine now before you get on the bus...

...then later if you ride a horse...

...or anything that bounces or gently sways.

- What about my Pepto? - Save that for lunch.

And your Beans, 'm case you have a snack.

It's another beautiful woodchuck day.

Promise you'll put those games away and try to be social this summer.

Die, alien scum, die.

Carl, please don't let the other kids tease your brother.

What am I? Dr. Phil?

I've got nothing to work with here.

Archibald Lawrence Mapleton?

Call me, Mullet. Business up front, party in the back, baby.

Juliette Stone?

Present.

Holy Hogwarts.

Watch the merchandise, dude.

- I still got it, huh? - I can't hear! My ears!

Okay, this is it. Time to give them a summer they'll never forget.

They won't forget that.

Nature walkers, lotion up.

Okay, Robin Hoods, gather around.

Everybody take a bow.

There you go.

There's enough for everyone. There you go.

Hey, Romeo. If you like her, go in that group.

No. That's okay. I've only got to kill one more Orc.

Right. Kill your Orc, you dork.

Dad, I want to be in the group with Max.

I'm older than these babies. I should be in that group.

I didn't sign up to be with no skirts.

They got cooties.