Top Gear

Tonight..

James draws on a board,

Richard waves at a man,

And I run away from a table.

Hello, everybody! Hello and welcome!

Thank you so much. Thank you. Now...

Now, I'm often asked, but sometimes I... but actually I was once asked by one person

why we review fast Vauxhalls so rarely on Top Gear.

The simple answer - they're terrible rubbish.

Vauxhall, however, has just introduced a new fast Astra

and says it isn't terrible rubbish.

Hmmm.

It's called the VXR and on paper,

it certainly appears to be terrible rubbish.

Because what they've done, bless them, is fit under the bonnet

of a front-wheel drive Vauxhall Astra,

a 276 horsepower engine.

That's as daft as fitting the heart- of an elephant in a mouse.

The thing is, the front wheels have to do the steering

and that's a big, important job.

And asking them to handle 276 horsepower as well,

means you've to do some very, very clever engineering.

Not that long ago,

Vauxhall was making the not-at-all cleverly engineered Vectra.

The most dreary, uninspiring car in all of human history.

Oh!

It really was a cure for ADD.

If you put a hyperactive child in there, he'd be asleep

in three minutes flat. I mean, look at it!

It's as gripping as a Victorian novel,

as stylish as a taxman's trousers.

You almost got the impression they designed it in a coffee break.

Oh, quick, the boss wants a new car. There's one.

Give it some fancy door mirrors.

It'll look like we made an effort. They hadn't!

So the idea that a company which did this,

now thinks it has the technical ability to put 276 horsepowers

through the front wheels of a hatchback is laughable.

The thing is though, amazingly,

they've pulled it off!

It has a clever front diff and unlike a normal Astra,

it has hydraulic power steering.

It also has the same sort of dampers that Ferrari use

and James tells me it has separate hub carriers.

Which is interesting(!)

Plainly then, they've spent more time and effort on the front end

of this car, than they did on the whole of the Vectra.

And the rewards are huge.

There's no torque steer, there is no fuss, there is no drama,

the power is just there when you want it.

It might not be the most fun car in the world,

it actually feels quite heavy,

but, my God, it is quick!

And best of all, despite extremely wide low-profile tyres,

it has a comfortable ride as well.

If you like being uncomfortable,

you can push this sport button here- which firms everything up

and if you want to feel like you're- falling down a rocky escarpment,

you can push this one.

If you do that, watch, ready...

look, all the dials glow red

to warn you that your neck is about to snap.

Probably better to leave those buttons alone, clearly.

This is a damn good car. It's solid, good looking and very, very fast.

Plus, because it's a hatchback, it's practical as well.

There are, as I see it, only two problems.

One - at just shy of �27,000, it is quite expensive.

And two - when you are asked at parties what you're driving

these days, you're going to have to start by saying... erm...

Perhaps then, we should look

at the Astra's chief rival - the Ford Focus ST.

This has five doors, so it is more practical than the Vauxhall.

It's �5,000 cheaper and at parties,

you can say you own a Ford without blushing.

But it simply isn't as nice to drive.

Instead of taming the front end with proper mechanical

engineering like Vauxhall did, Ford has used electronic systems

and the truth is, they're not as good.

You can sense the electrons doing their absolute best to

keep things neat and tidy, but you can also sense them, erm...

..failing!

TYRES SCREECH

There's torque steer, there's understeer,

and then there's lift off oversteer.

There. It is a smorgasbord of waywardness.

I also have to say the Ford has a particularly unpleasant interior.

And it does not look very good from the outside either.

Nowhere near as good as the Astra, that's for sure.

So, as an enthusiast's car, I have to say the Vauxhall is better.

But this is Top Gear and I can't very well sit here

and say, "Hey, petrol heads, the best hot hatchback is a Vauxhall Astra."

That would be like a travel person saying, "Hey, holidaymakers,

"the best place for your summer vacation is Belgium!"

So, let's keep going and look at another option.

The Renault Megane 265.

This is the darling of all the car magazines.

They love it and it's easy to see why.

TYRES SCREECH

TYRES SCREECH

You can just tell this car was designed by a team of people

who really know what enthusiasts want when they're on the track.

It's sublime.

They've even fitted it with a special readout that shows how fast

you went from 0 to 60,

how fast you did the standing quarter, your lap times,

how much power you're using, how much brake you're using,

your throttle position, a graph, an extreme graph,

your G metre.

The Stig just loves this.

He's been running around all morning squawking

and clutching at his tinkle!

And I have too, if I'm honest!

It's just an amazing combination of nimbleness and brute force.

There's no doubt that it's more exciting than the Vauxhall

and less wayward than the Ford and faster than both of them.

To show you how much faster, I engaged sport mode

and pulled up for a drag race.

Watch and learn, Vauxhall!

What?

Come on!

Come on! Faster!

Come on-n-n-n!

That was not supposed to happen.

Much to my surprise then, the Renault was the slowest.

And when you bear equipment levels in mind,

it is the most expensive, too.

And it's also the least nice.

Sitting in here is a bit like sitting in Eeyore's gloomy place,

it is all very dark and everything you touch and everything you use

feels flimsy, like it will come off- or break at any moment.

And the back's very cramped and the ride's very hard,

this seat is very low down and very snug

and gives you an idea of what it would be like to be buried alive.

And look at this. You can't wear a pink shirt or it'll clash.

So, while this may be the nicest car to drive on a track or

a deserted moorland road,

it would not be the nicest to live with on a day-to-day basis.

That means we arrive at a rather worrying conclusion because,

if I were to choose one of these three cars to drive home in tonight,

it would be...

the...

TONE SOUNDS

What happened there? The camera broke. Did it?

Yeah, no, it literally just broke there. Did it?

And what were you about to say? Erm, I can't remember.

You were about to say the Vauxhall. A bit.

It's a surprisingly likeable car. It just is.

Isn't that a bit like saying Piers Morgan is a surprisingly

likeable man, but in the end, he is still fundamentally

Piers Morgan, isn't he? Awful man. Yes, I know what you mean.

Look, hold on a minute.

The Ford is �5,000 cheaper, it is the most practical, with

the most doors and we've just seen it is the fastest. I'd have that.

There's a lot to commend the Ford. You're right. I like the Renault.

Oh God! This is brilliant buyers' advice, isn't it?

I'd have the Ford, you'd have the Renault,

and he'd have the Piers Morgan. know how we can sort this out.

The tame racing driver.

Some say he contains 47% horse.

LAUGHTER

And that to concentrate more on his work here,

he's resigned, this week, from his other job in Rome.

LAUGHTER

All we know is, he's called The Stig!

'And they're off. Sluggish start from the Ford.

'But it soon bites

'and finds its stride on the way to- the first corner.

'And it's the Renault looking twitchy into there,

'the other two nicely controlled and gripping hard.'

MUSIC PLAYS

'The Stig still listening to national anthems

'and a cacophony of patriotic noise.

'All tracking cleanly around Chicago

'now spooling up the turbos for the run to Hammerhead,

'hard on the brakes, might see something mealier from the Focus.

'But no. Almost threatening to cock a back wheel.

'And the Renault just scampers away- like a cheese-crazed sport monkey.'

MUSIC PLAYS

'Wow! A stack of Stigs there. Follow-through.

'The Focus is getting out of shape,

'quickly pulls it back together again.

'Quick through the tyres, two corners left, the Vauxhall appears

'to be composed, the Renault looking bumpy on the way in.

'It's the most track-ready car here. Here they come, up to Gambon.

'No dramas at all and across the line.'

APPLAUSE

I have the times here and they are not that fast.

The Ford Focus did it in 1.29.6.

The Vauxhall Astra did a 1.28.3

and the Renault Megane,

the most track-focused of them all,- did a 1.27.7.

So therefore, the conclusion is,

if you want a relatively inexpensive, fun car,

buy the Toyota GT 86!

LAUGHTER

We're really not much good at that consumer advice thing, are we?

Anyway, we must now do the news. Yes, and it's bad news!

Dacia have got their name wrong.

Have you seen the car ads they've been doing?

They keep referring to themselves as Datcha.