Louie

Daddy.

Yeah?

Why are you jogging?

Because I gotta lose 40 pounds.

40 pounds? Yeah.

Why?

Well, if I want to get this show, I need to--

I gotta change.

They want a skinnier person.

Daddy, but you're not skinnier.

Daddy, you're fat, Daddy.

Jane...

It's all right, it's true, I'm a big guy.

You're not a big guy, you're fat.

All right, I got it.

Daddy. Yeah?

If they want a skinny person,

why don't they just get someone skinny?

Why do you have to change?

Daddy, I don't want you to change.

It's not really about skinny or fat, it's just--

You know, if you want to get a big thing in life, you--

you gotta make a big effort, you gotta try hard,

you gotta do things you're not used to doing.

I mean, also I gotta get in shape because this job--

If I get this job, this is gonna be hard.

This is gonna be the hardest thing I ever did.

I'm gonna be doing five shows a week every week.

Getting up early in the morning,

every single Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,

doing shows, rehearsing and writing.

It's gonna be a grind.

But when will you see us?

I'll see you on weekends.

You know, girls, I may not get this job.

Yeah, but you want this job, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, all right.

Yes.

No.

No.

No to that, too.

Yes.

All right.

No!

So you want to take over for Letterman?

You want to host "Late Show" on CBS?

Yeah, that's...

Here's the thing with that, champ.

That's short for "champion."

If you want to be a talk show host,

it's better if you're funny.

Now, there have been some guys who were not funny.

Tom Snyder.

David Susskind.

Ted Koppel.

But funny is better.

Now, have you ever had any experience with being funny?

Yeah, I'm a... I'm a comedian.

You're a comedian?

I've known you for a week and you haven't made me laugh once.

I had no idea you were a comedian.

I thought you were a newsman.

No, I'm not a newsman, I'm a-- I'm a comedian.

Jesus.

Well, all right, let's see it.

See what?

See the funny, make me laugh.

Go.

Go?

Go... funny.

Three, two, one... and go!

I'm not that kind of funny.

What kind of funny?

The kind where you jut say "go" and I'm funny.

All right, I think you'd better leave my office.

Jack-- Mr. Dahl, I--

Look, there's different kinds of funny, right?

There's different kinds of performers.

I'm not that kind of performer.

Let me tell me what kind of what you are.

You're whatever you have to be to make people laugh.

Anytime, anywhere, anyone.

You turn it on a dime.

You get that belly moving, son, or you're out.

Now tell the truth.

You're just scared, like a rookie.

You're like some kid at a talent show

with a number pinned to your shirt.

You got nothing or you would have shown me now.

So get out.

Thank you, have a nice day.

Fine.

Look, I-- I-- I can't give up on this.

I don't, uh...

This is either a door or a wall for me

and it's either the beginning or the end.

I don't-- Please.

Okay then... let's see the funny.

Three, two, one, go!

Funny!

This is it, bud.

You want me to start at one and go up?

One, two, three, funny.

Okay, last chance and then we're really done.

Done and done.

Let's go, kid, you want the big gig?

Let's see it.

Make me laugh at the count of three.

One...

Two...

You know what your problem is?

You're--

You're just a pencil...

penis...

parade.

Ooh, I'm--

Nyah!

You just bought yourself another week.

Go home and get some rest.

Please leave this room.

Sit down.

No, genius, sit in the host's chair,

for crying in a cup.

Okay, interviews.

We-- What?

Conduct an interview!

There's nobody here.

Well, go get someone.

What?

Just a sec.

Jesus Christ.

This is Elaine.

She cleans here.

Have a seat, Elaine.

Please.

Okay.

Interviews.

Hello.

"Hello"?

You just introduced her!

You played a song, you kissed her, she sat down!

"Hello..." what is that?

Uh... how are you?

How is she?

Find out, ask a question.

I can't-- Ask!

If you would stop yelling at me, maybe I'd do it right.

If you did it right, I wouldn't have to yell at you.

Interview.

Go!

Uh...

Tell me about your parents.

Oh, well, my mother was actually dancer.

Really?

What kind of dancer was she?

She was in the ballet.

Really?

Did she dance around the house a lot?

I don't know.

I don't remember much.

She died when I was eight.

Oh, this is terrific, just wonderful.

Tune in every night, folks!

It's the crying cleaning lady show.

Okay.

Good evening, okay, hi!

Shit.

Good evening.

Asshole!

Shit, cock.

Dick, dick, ass, shit.

Tits.

Okay.

Okay...

Funny in three, two--