Chris Rock: Bigger & Blacker

Ladies and gentlemen...

live from the world-famous Apollo Theater...

in Harlem, New York.

Are you ready?

Please welcome Mr. Chris Rock!

What's up...

New York?

There's Brooklyn in the house.

Well, l'm from Brooklyn.

Shit, look at this. White people are up top tonight.

You know, l was just in my hotel, a little while ago, on my way here...

and l got in the elevator, right?

l'm getting in the elevator...

and these two high-school white boys try to get on with me...

and l just dove off.

l said, ''Y'all ain't killing me!''

l am scared of young white boys.

lf you white and under 21, l am running for the hills.

What the hell is wrong with these white kids shooting up the school?

They don't even wait till 3:00, either.

Killing people in the morning. That ain't right.

The Trenchcoat Mafia.

''No one will play with us.

''We have no friends. We're the Trenchcoat Mafia.''

Hey, l saw the yearbook pictures. lt was six of them.

l didn't have six friends in high school.

l don't got six friends now.

Shit, that's three-on-three with a half court.

What the hell is wrong with these kids?

l got people telling me, ''Come on, Chris. Come up to a school. Talk to the kids.''

l'm like, ''Fuck the kids!

''Do you got a vest? Maybe l'll think about it.''

Everybody wants to know what the kids was listening to.

What kind of music was they listening to? Or what kind of movies was they watching?

Who gives a fuck what they was watching?

Whatever happened to crazy?

What happened to crazy? What, you can't be crazy no more?

Did we eliminate ''crazy'' from the dictionary?

Fuck the records. Fuck the movies. Crazy!

When l was a kid, they used to separate the crazy kids from everybody.

When l was a kid, the crazy kids went to school in a little-ass bus.

They had a class at the end of the school...

and they used to get out of school at 2:30.

Just in case they went crazy...

they would only hurt other crazy kids.

And we was all safe.

We was all safe. Damn, the world's coming to an end.

You'll have little white kids saying:

''l want to go to a black school where it's safe.''

That's right, man.

And everybody's talking about gun control, got to get rid of the guns.

Fuck that. l like guns.

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

l ain't working out. l ain't jogging.

You got pecs, l got Tecs.

Fuck that shit. You don't need no gun control.

You know what you need? We need some bullet control.

Man, we need to control the bullets, that's right.

l think all bullets should cost $5,000.

$5,000 for a bullet. You know why?

'Cause if a bullet costs $5,000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders.

That'd be it.

Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, ''Damn, he must have did something.

''Shit, they put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass.''

People would think before they killed somebody, if a bullet cost $5,000.

''Man, l would blow your fucking head off, if l could afford it.

''l'm gonna get me another job, l'm gonna start saving some money...

''and you're a dead man.

''You better hope l can't get no bullets on layaway.''

So even if you get shot by a stray bullet...

you won't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out.

Whoever shot you would take their bullet back.

''l believe you got my property.''

That's right, man.

See, everybody blames the kids as fucking crazy.

Everybody wants to be mad at the kids for shooting up the school.

What about the parents? The parents.

The parents is really fucked up, man.

Their damn parents need to go to jail for some of this fucking shit, man.

'Cause everybody knows that crazy-ass kid that went to jail.

You go, ''Man, he ain't never had a chance.

''lf you'd known his mama, you'd know he gonna be there.''

l was at the club the other night, down at Life, chilling at the club.

l'm chilling with this girl. She was dancing.

lt was about 2:00 a.m. l'm talking to her, and realized she had two kids at home.

l don't mind the two kids at home, that's all good.

But l'm like, ''What the fuck are you doing in a club...

''at 2:00 in the fucking morning on a Wednesday night?

''What the fuck are you doing here?

''ls it your birthday?

''Did you get a raise?

''Well, you got to get the fuck out.

''You go. l'm kicking you the fuck out. Yes, bye!

''Go take care of them kids before they rob me in 10 years.''

You got to get your kid on or your groove on.

You can't get both on at the same time. l'm tired of this shit.

And a bunch of girls are like:

''You don't need no man to help you raise no child.''

Shut the fuck up with the bullshit.

Yeah, you can do it without a man but that don't mean it's to be done.

Shit, you could drive a car with your feet if you want to.

That don't make it a good fucking idea.

l don't give a fuck. You could be the baddest mama on earth.

l don't give a fuck how good you are.

Ain't nothing you can say more powerful than, ''l'm gonna tell your daddy.''

Can't fuck with it.

Can't come close to, ''l'm gonna tell your daddy.''

You can have a gun at the kid's head, ''l'll blow your fucking head off.''

-''So what?'' -''l'll tell your daddy.''

''Okay, okay.''

Can't fuck with it, man.

l'm tired of bumping into these girls at the club...

all late on a fucking weeknight.

l got a little cousin who got left back in the first grade.

Left back in the first grade...

'cause his mama's out getting the groove on.

You know how dumb you got to be...

to get left back in the first grade?

''What's four plus four?'' ''Jell-O.''

But that ain't his fault. That's the mama's fault.

That's the mama's fucking fault. That's right.

l'm telling my cousin, ''Tina, talk to your fucking kid.

''Talk to him, teach him some shit.

''lf you said more words to him than, 'Mommy be back'...

''he might know something.''

That's right.

And it's real easy to tell who kids are gonna be fucked up.

lt don't take no scientist to tell who's gonna have some fucked-up kids.

lf the kid calls his grandmamma ''Mommy''...

and his mama ''Pam,'' he's going to jail.

You ain't saving no college money, you saving bail money.

That money's going to Johnnie Cochran.

That's right. lf the kid can't read, that's Mama's fault.

That is Mama's fucking fault.

Now, if the kid can't read 'cause there ain't no lights in the house...

that's Daddy's fault.

You got this shit down?

See, nobody gives a fuck about Daddy. There's some real daddies out there.

l'm not talking about the guy that fucked you and left.

Fuck him, okay? l'm talking about the real daddies.

There's still some motherfuckers out there that handle their business.

Motherfuckers wanna act like brothers....

There's some brothers that handle their business.

'Cause people don't give a fuck.... Nobody gives a fuck about Daddy.

Everybody takes Daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio.

Everything's ''Mama. Dear Mama. Always loved my Mama.''

What's the Daddy song? Papa was a Rollin' Stone.

Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody appreciates Daddy.

Now, Mama's got the roughest job. l ain't gonna front.

But at least people appreciate Mama.

Every time Mama do something right, Mama gets a compliment...

'cause women need to hear compliments all the time.

Women need food, water, and compliments.

That's right.

And an occasional pair of shoes.

That's right. Women got to hear it all the time, or they lose their minds.

And get Daddy to make sure you thank your mama for everything.

''Tell your mama how good the food is. Tell her how nice the house looks.

''Tell your mama how nice her hair looks.

''Did you tell your mama? You better go in there and tell your mama.''

That's right! ''Tell your mama.''

Nobody ever tells Daddy shit.

l'm talking about the real daddies that handle their fucking business.

Nobody ever says, ''Hey, Daddy, thanks for knocking out this rent.''

''Hey, Daddy, l sure love this hot water.''

''Hey, Daddy, this is easy to read with all this light.''

Nobody gives a fuck about Daddy.

l'm talking about a daddy that handles his business. Nobody gives a fuck about Daddy.

Think about everything that the real daddy does:

pay the bills, buy the food, put a fucking roof over your head.

Everything you could ever ask for.

Make your world a better, safer place.

And what does Daddy get for all his work?

The big piece of chicken. That's all Daddy gets...

is the big piece of chicken.

That's right. And some women don't want to give up the big piece of chicken.

''Who the fuck is you...

''to keep the big piece of chicken?

''How dare you keep the big piece of chicken!''

A man can't work 1 2 hours and come home to a wing.

When l was a kid, my mama would lose her mind...

if one of us ate the big piece of chicken by accident.

''What the fuck! You ate the big piece of chicken?

''Oh, Lord! No, no.

''Now l got to take some chicken and sew it up and shit.

''Get me two wings and a pork chop. Daddy'll never know the difference.''

Just can't do it. Can't do it.

l don't know, man. The world's nuts. lt's all good for Clinton.

Any time something bad happens, it's good for Bill Clinton.

Just gets people off his ass.

''Stop thinking about me. Good. Kids got shot. Good.

''Good. People are not thinking about me.

''Tornadoes. Good.

''People ain't thinking about me.''

Clinton damn near got impeached, for what?

For what?

Lied about a blowjob so his wife wouldn't find out.

ls that against the law?

Do you need the Supreme Court for that one?

You could have took that one to The People's Court!