It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

stop, stop. God, guys, damn it.

I mean, you know, I need a little...

a little buoyancy in the harmonies.

I mean, listen to the lyrics. Right? "Not too hard...

not too soft." You were coming in pretty

hard, I would say. The lead's got to cut

- through, Dee. - I don't know, man.

I thought we sounded pretty good.

Oh, we sounded "pretty good." Oh, hi, super group Boyz II Men,

please let us win your contest. We sound, eh, pretty good.

Come on, man. If we're gonna open for Boyz II

Men at the Boyz II Men concert, we need to dazzle them with our

harmonies. Mmm...

- Okay. - He's dead.

Rodriguez is dead. Frank, will you get out of

here? We're in the middle of Boyz II

Men rehearsal. Well, hold on a second.

I'll bite-- who's Rodriguez? That sweet old man from our

building. This is the worst flu that

Philly has ever seen. Wow.

We have to quarantine ourselves.

- What? - Frank, we're not gonna

die of the flu because we're young and vital.

You are old and feeble. Actually, Frank does bring up

a good point. We can't afford to get sick

right now. 'Cause you know what you can't

do when you get the flu? Sing?

Sing. Sing.

Yeah, I mean, I was gonna... You wanted to say it?

Yeah, but I wanted to say it. Oh, shit, well, I'm sorry,

man. Uh, do you want to ask it

again, or...? Ask us again.

Uh, you know what you can't do when you get...?

Nah, forget it, it's fine.

Quarantine, baby!

All right, this is gonna be good.

Everybody find a spot to put

your sleeping bags and we'll be all set.

All right, Frank, where we at, my man?

Well, right there.

You know, you don't have to sleep together.

It's a comfort thing.

Guys, I got to say, I'm

excited to play quarantine.

Oh, my God, for the last

time, we're not playing

quarantine, this is a quarantine.

Huh?

I'm gonna get so blacked out. Yeah!

What are you talking about? Mac, do you want to lose this

singing contest? Why do you think we're

quarantining ourselves in the first place?

To protect my life! No, to preserve our vocal

cords, okay? Which also means no alcohol,

guys. Come on, dude!

That's crazy. Wait a minute, wait a minute,

that's a good idea. Because alcohol lowers your

immune system. Well, why the hell are we

quarantining ourselves in a bar, if we can't drink?

We got to drink. Yes, hi, I'd like to order

two pepperonis, one combo and breadsticks, like, a shitload of

breadsticks...

Hey! You can't do that.

This is a quarantine. Nothing goes out, nothing comes

in. Especially a pizza guy.

Going house to house, handling money, banging lonely broads.

They're filthy! All right, come on, listen.

I'm gonna take all your cell phones.

You lost your privileges. Thanks a lot, Dee.

It's just until the vaccine is replenished.

He does make a good point, you know?

Vaccines really do work. My mom used to vaccinate me,

like, every month, and I never got sick.

The reason you didn't get sick was because you and your

mom would wear those ridiculous bubble boy suits during the flu

season. Okay, what are we gonna do in

here if we can't eat pizza or drink beer?

Well, I'll tell you exactly what we're gonna do.

Practice. Come on, man, you know, like,

just let me do it. Like, why do you keep

doing that? Why do you guys keep stealing

that from me?

Yes! That was good.

That sounded... that's harmony. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was terrible, let's try it again, let's try, let's do it

it again. We've been working this

forever. I think it's fine for now.

Yeah. You think fine is good enough

for the Boyz II the Men? Ah, calm down.

Okay, guys, I think we're focusing a little too much on

the singing and not enough on the showmanship.

You know, maybe we should work out a couple of sweet dance

moves, you know? What is that? Yeah.

Like, that we could all do in unison.

Or maybe we could wear the same outfit!

Okay, yes! We'll create a visual harmony,

same outfit, good. Oh, you guys, you guys, if we

want to stand out, you know what we got to do?

We got to focus on our story. Yes!

Those competitions are all about how singing helped you

overcome some major obstacle, you know?

So I'll do, like, a stutter, and I'll say I got it from-from

watching, like, a friend get blown to bits in Iraq.

Ooh, ooh, you know what? And do it with a Southern accent

and talk about Jesus a lot. Yeah!

Good, good, okay, so we'll be, like, a group of, like,

Southern, stuttering army vets with, like, a religious bend.

Mm-hmm. Okay, and then we'll all be

in the same outfit. Oh, we should be, like,

carnies. We're gonna be carnies.

Religious stuttering army carnies.

Who love Jesus. And watched our friends

explode on stage. And have pearls and sing...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

It's great, no? Hey.

No. Absolutely not.

Are you kidding me? What?

What? It's a singing competition.

So can we please work on our harmonies?

And not talk about dressing like army carnies?

But then maybe one of us can be a...

One, two, three.

Goddamn it! Come out here! Come on out here.

What? What? What? What is your problem?

This. I found it in the back office

in the garbage. It's still warm.

This whole quarantine has been compromised.

What... me?! Come on... come on.

Why would I do it? You guys would suspect me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was a recent delivery you made to

Paddy's Pub. I'll get to the bottom of

this. Yeah, all right, well, what was

the name on the order?

Spider-Man. That's very clever, yeah,

yeah, yeah. Dennis, ask him how it's

possible for him to talk to you through a cut phone wire.

How is it possible for you to talk to me through a cut ph...

I cut it when I found the

pizza. Holy shit.

Dennis is Spider-Man. No... no one is Spider-Man.

Fine, yeah, oh, yeah, it was me, the evil villain with the

perfect voice who ordered the pizza, but, guys, you don't have

to worry about me, all right? I can fight off whatever stupid

illness this pizza may or may not have had, all right?

I'm in perfect control of my body.

Just like I am with my voice. I-I-I can go from flaccid to

erect at a moment's notice. He can, I've seen it.

Buddy, you're seeing it. You're all seeing it.

'Cause I'm doing it right now. Flaccid, erect.

Flaccid, erect. Flaccid, erect.

Not too hard, not too soft.

Come on, what are you doing?! You're gonna quarantine me

inside a quarantine, really? Aw, sh...

Now, this is the look that I was talking about.

You got the bow ties and the ball caps.

It's casual formal. Yeah, right, right, right.

Like, are they bat boys or are they butlers?

You don't know, but it's like a sweet look.

What is he doing? Oh, I'm just warming up my

voice a little bit. You guys should, uh, keep warm.

Stay warm. Oh, my God, I'm loving him

in the bathroom. Me, too.

I mean, it's great. Now, I did a little sketch

of the outfit myself. And I wasn't quite sure what

you were going for. Like, if we were all each gonna

be a body part, or if you wanted us mashed in this thing

side-by-side somehow? What are you talking about?

Well, you said that we're all in the same outfit, right?

So I'm trying to figure, like, who goes where.

"Same" as in "matching," not same as in jammed into

the same set of clothing. Okay, not sure that's

as good, 'cause this really makes a splash with the crowd.

Dee, what do you think about all this?

D-D-D-Don't- Don't put me on the spot.

I-I'm just, I-I-I'm just a Jesus-loving e-e-ex-marine.

That's really good. I mean, so, so sad.

It's supposed to be sad. It's supposed to guilt them

- into voting for us, you know. - That's not all.

This Bible's a Bible of my daddy who just di-di-died

in my-my arms of-of throat cancer, from-from eating

some-some-some bad pussy. Hmm. Hmm.

You just earned you spot at the head of the suit, Dee.

That was really good. That was good.

Frank, what the hell are you doing, dude?

I'm getting rid of all this contaminated crap!

Now, come on, you're going crazy with this food

thing, Frank. We need to eat.

We need to eat, but we only eat protected food from now on.

Like, oranges and coconuts and snow crab.

No! No snow crabs! The shells could lacerate

your throats. Absolutely not.

Okay, well, someone's gonna have to go out and get this

food, so I'll do it. No, no, no!

You can go out together. You can't go out alone.

In case one of you get sneezed on, the other one can

report back. Frank, tell you what.

Mac and I will go out. And I guarantee we won't

get sneezed on. All right, dude, first things

first. Let's get some beer, man.

You know, screw Dennis and his rules.