Latter Days

When I first came to Los Angeles, it looked like just this mass of dots.

All jumbled and disconnected.

It was pretty disorienting.

What the fuck are you doing? I'm straight.

That is so how all guys say that No, I'm serious, dude.

Oh really? It's too bad. 'Cos I'm amazing.

I don't like to brag, but I can suck the

engine block to the tail pipe of the '58 Chevy.

Really? Yeah, talking 'bout the big ones with the 380s.

Oh. So you know cars, yeah? And beer.

See, unlike with women, you can crack one open right after.

Hell! You can have one during.

It'll just be a little fun between buddies, you know.

And you'll never have to call me.

Till you're up for another round, that is.

You're not worried about Elizabeth coming in?

Elizabeth? My roommate is Julie.

I'm here for a date with Elizabeth.

Elizabeth is 243D, as in 'down the walk'.

This is 243B. As in 'Blowjob'. You're not StraightCurious from AOL?

No. Not again.

Oh, shut up! You are so lying to me!

No, check the journal! Look.

September 20th. Oh my God! That is so funny!

So maybe you should write a song about that.

I can't believe you've almost done with your demo

and you haven't written a song about your best friend.

Yeah, I can't believe that the tree falls in the forest

it wouldn't have something to do with you.

Hey, J. Martinis, vodka or gin?

Gin, and you, you can tell that friend of yours to go fuck himself.

You know, I only have one friend who can

actually do that, and I doubt you've met.

I mean the base player. We were just supposed to lay down some tracks

but the second song it was like my bra had grown hands.

Excuse me, wannabees, order up.

One callback, she's Margo Channing

Second callback, thank you. Second lead in the feature.

I'm so getting this. Soon, I can kiss you losers goodbye

and finally justify moving to this miserable fucking town.

You ever read for Barry Wolf?

Hey, why are we skipping on the fries? Come on, load me up.

Barry Wolf read me once for this commercial,

he was licking me with his eye the whole time.

They don't call him the 'Wolf who cried Boy' for nothing.

You know, he wouldn't even see me for that

crappy TV 'Wacky Gay Neighbour' thing? What's that about? I'm gay, I'm wacky

Maybe you're not neighbourly. Fuck you. I'm Donna Reed on a stick

Excuse me, darlings. I hate to interrupt this

important discussion between all you big stars...

I'll settle for medium star. Point well taken.

In the meantime, I hear that Disney's opening a Fantasia

restaurant where the plates fly themselves to the tables.

Until then, what to do. Hot stuff, coming through. Yes!

Hi guys.

You take one of my tracks and give the karaoke at Funny Boys. Julie!

Also two-for-one margaritas? I'll be there.

Enjoy your meal.

Quit gawking, we don't have all day.

Au, fuck. Yeah, fuck you too. Mum? Julie. Where the hell are you?

I'm here. Isn't this where you called me, where did we end up last night?

I don't know, but I woke up without my bra. That's never a good sign.

I wouldn't worry about it.

So, why are you calling me and not just tiptoeing

across the hall with sympathy and Excedrin?

I tried that, I thought you'd gone. Spin class is starting. Oh fuck.

Hey, hold up a minute.

We've met. Um, no, I'm brand new here.

Hey, Green, let's get it moving along huh. Gotta go.

All unpacked... final bell, Harmon is down.

Hey Gilford why don't you come over here and give me a back rub?

Wrong tree. Barking. Think I'm rubbing your pimply back, you homo.

David? Come on, Green, help a guy, allright? Have stuff to put away.

Come on, Gil, just like ten minutes. You know I'd give you one.

You're on. No, I asked you first. Nope.

That hurts! Prepare to die, dude.

Hey. Hi!

You remember me, from across the way? Yeah. Harmon!

I brought you guys a 'Welcome to the complex' sixer.

Uh, thanks, but we don't drink.

What kind of frat boys are you?

Who called up Deliver-A-Fag?

Geez, Ryder a little louder and he'll probably hear you. I don't care

You see those flippin' shorts he was wearing?

Just check that. OK, three of these

There was the most adorable man, Daniel, here this evening.

I thought I might introduce you. Really?

Blue shirt, end of the bar? Actually yes. Daniel. We've met.

August, 3rd... yup. Oh, not so good, not so good.

Andrew, can I have a glass of that Merlot there?

Sure thing. And Ben called for you, Miss M.

Well, I suppose if he calls this late in the week,

I can call him this late in the evening, right? - Absolutely. - Cheers.

Oh oh, you guys wanna hear something freaky? Remember those four people

that moved into Elizabeth's old apartment? Guess what they do.

Quadruplet porn stars. This town? Hardly freaky.

They're rodeo clowns.

No, listen, it's even weirder than that.

They are Mormon missionaries, swear to God.

Oh. Although rodeo clowns would've been kinda cool.

They must've loved your aberrant lifestyle. I dated a Mormon guy once.

His family put him through shock therapy. We have sex, he was wild.

Then he wanna throw himself out the window.

So, you live on the first floor. Yes, but it's hell on my azaleas

Wouldn't it be funny if you converted them instead of them converting you?

No, I've seen these boys, they're wound way too tight for that.

I bet he can't do it.

- Oh, wait. Are we betting here? - Same as always, five and a sixer?

Oh no, this is big. 20 bucks says he can't.

We're going high stakes? 50 says he can't.

I've seen the guys on the bikes. This time you've met your match.

Bullshit. 50 says he can. And I bust tables for a week.

- 50, 2 weeks, can't. - OK, I'm in with Andrew, no way.

Oh, cool. We on?

So what are we talking about here? I get him to what?

Do anything? Blowjob? We need proof. OK, underwear.

I knew this other Mormon guy in the army.

They got these sacred boxers they shimmer.

Get one of those. Sacred undies? I gotta see this. All right, I'm in.

I will get one of those boys out of their underwear.

Seal the deal.

Alright, we're going out tonight?

Oh please, not another episode of 'Christian hooks up'.

- Hey, gotta keep my skills honed. - To skills.

- Hey, leaving? - Yeah, yoga. You?

Mmm, arm day...

Hey, I don't think we've met. I'm Julie Taylor.

Hi. I'm Elder Davis. What you reading there?

I'm just studying. You know, I thought I'd come outside.

'Cos, we're from Idaho, it gets cold in October.

Oh, wow, bummer. It's pretty much like this all the time here.

- Isn't it, Chris? - Yeah.

So, what is it that you guys do? We talk to people about our church.

Oh really? Chris likes to talk to people.

Sometimes it helps people to find meaning in their lives.

Julie was complaining her life is void of meaning.

- Void? I said 'void'? - Maybe we can come talk to you.

- You know, we would like that. - Sure. OK.

Bye.

Subtle...

Yeah, I got 50 right on you. See you at work.

Thank God she's leaving.

Can you believe 'Entertainment Weekly' called her

the new sweetheart of American cinema?

That cunt? She made Julie take my table, because she thought

I hadn't bathed recently. Like she should talk. Did you see her eat?

Yeah, did you check out her legs? Now I know why they call them calves.

I bet after sex, she smokes a ham

Darling, give me a glass of Cuvet

I do hope we're not speaking disparagingly about our clientele.

Gossip is so ignoble.

Especially regarding those less fortunate.

Less fortunate? That bitch?!

You know something... tell.

No, I would never tell tales, such as

with the frequency she does it

the poor child must think that binging and purging are aerobic excercise.

She hardly looks bulimic.

Yes, if I were a different sort, I'd suggest

a little more of the purging, a little less of the binging.

But I would never say such things. For gossip is the lowest

form of discourse.

You should avoid it if at all possible.

Hear, hear. I shall be in the office, cooking the books, if anyone needs me.

Oh, and Ben called. He seemed kind of insistent.

Do you suppose Lila is hiding a boyfriend from us?

Fucking skank... that's not a tip, that's an indictment.

Take it sound, J. Christ, who pissed in your Cheerios?

Some A and R guy. She has drinks with this guy so he'll listen to her demo

and now she fears for her virtue. Hey!

He's totally cute. I bust my ass making a great demo,

I can't get anyone to listen to it till this guy

who obviously just wanted to fuck me.

Poor baby. I thought he was cute.

What, you would have sex to help your career?

Honey, I've blown a guy just to get him out of my apartment.

Sex for my career would be noble.

Ben, I'm not ready to make that kind of decision yet.

I have to go. OK, I'll call.

- Here's Andrew's wine order. - Thank you.

- Is there something else? - Everyone thinks Ben is your

boyfriend, but he's not, he's a doctor, isn't he?

- Is everything OK? - Young man, I will not

be the subject of gossip in my own establishment.

Sorry.

And that's how, through Joseph Smith,

God restored the true church of Jesus Christ to the earth.

Have any questions?

How come if God talks to Joseph Smith, he's a prophet

but if God talks to me, I'm schizophrenic?

Ah, well, he was sort of special.

What's the Mormon church's stand on black people?

That's a good question. African American members

have been allowed to hold the priesthood since 1978.

Since disco. And women?

Women don't get to hold the priesthood, what they get

is to be wives and to be mothers and share in its blessings.

Oh, sharing. See, sharing is good. Christian here was wondering

what is your church's stand on gay rights.

Um well... There's no such thing.