Real Life

Hello.

And welcome.

I'm Councilman Edmund Harris of the Fifth District.

I'm sure some of you know we're gathered here this afternoon

to dedicate the beginning of a year-long project.

To make a movie right here in Phoenix and the outlying areas,

and much of it in our own Fifth District.

The Fifth District is the home of our good friends, the Yeager family.

Warren, and Jeanette, and cute little Lisa and Eric.

And they're gonna be the stars of this unusual movie.

- Do you know who they are? - Wait a minute.

All of us in this room are gonna have an important part in the picture too.

Now, my wife tells me I'm not handsome enough

to be in the movies.

But our guest of honor here today says that's just baloney.

And he's the gentleman behind the whole thing.

Quite a gentleman he is.

Why, he's made me laugh on...

The Tonight Show, the late Ed Sullivan.

And I know you've seen his short films on NBC's Good Night Saturday.

And a lot of you have seen him on your favorite shows, I'm sure.

And if you like the food we had today, you have him to thank for that.

So would you please welcome with a big Phoenix applause,

all the way from Hollywood, California, Mr. Albert Brooks!

Thank you, Councilman Harris.

Please tell the mayor I wish him a speedy recovery.

I couldn't help noticing some expressions of shock or disbelief,

or whatever it was you were doing,

when the councilman mentioned that the Yeagers

were going to be the stars of a major motion picture.

I guess many of you know, Warren Yeager is a fine veterinarian,

and not a professional actor.

But that's exactly the point.

We're all gathered here this afternoon to film Warren and his family,

and you folks, and ourselves as well,

because we're making a movie about reality.

Oh.

I'm sure you've all had the experience of coming out of a motion picture theater

and saying to yourselves afterwards,

"I've had more interesting things happen to me

than happened to those characters in that picture.

My life is much more interesting."

Well, you know something? You're right.

The most hilarious comedy,

the most gripping drama,

the most suspenseful disasters,

they don't happen on the movie screen.

They happen in my backyard and yours.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

So, please, just remember two simple words and everything will be perfect.

Be yourselves.

If you see one of our cameramen following Warren or Jeanette

or one of the children into your homes or your offices,

or cleaning establishments, or gas stations,

don't try to do anything special.

It's tempting to show off for the camera. I know, I make my living that way.

But in this case, we don't want a show.

Well, let me correct myself.

We want the greatest show of all.

Life!

Hey, you're great! You're great!

We're gonna have a b-a-double-I here, I guarantee you.

Now, a lot of people have termed this whole project an experiment,

and I can't disagree.

And what experiment would be complete without the scientists, hmm?

I'd like to introduce two of the finest psychological consultants

that money can buy.

I wouldn't want you to get the impression

that we're buying either of these gentlemen.

Actually, the one on the end is rented,

and the gentleman sitting next to him is leased.

No, I'm kidding.

The gentleman on the end, well, what can I say?

He's from one of the most prestigious institutes we have in this country.

From Boulder, Colorado,

from the National Institute of Human Behavior,

would you welcome Dr. Howard Hill.

And the gentleman sitting next to him, what can I say?

You might have seen him on some television shows.

A well-known author. He's written books.

From the University of Minnesota,

please give a nice welcome to Dr. Ted Cleary.

A lot of you probably thought that Ted didn't stand up there.

Actually, he is standing. Isn't that great? He eats very little.

You folks love to laugh, don't you?

Well, more than anything else in the world,

I'd love to get into some humor with you, but we really don't have the time.

We're meeting the Yeagers at the airport in less than half an hour.

So before yours truly has to skedaddle on out of here,

I'd like, if I could, to share my sentiments that I have

about this beautiful city with you, if I might.

Mort.

Ladies and gentlemen, the man at the piano, Mr. Mort Lindsey,

from The Merv Griffin Show.

And as much of his orchestra as we could afford to bring down.

Mort, if you will.

This is a little something I jotted down on the plane coming in yesterday,

specially from me to you.

How are you?

Who are you quickly? What do you do?

Paul Lowe, Lowe Realty.

Thanks very much for the house. Yes, you got me my house.

- Who are you? What do you do? - Donna Stanley. Gift shop at the airport.

Thanks for that little plastic cactus. Yes.

- And who are you? - I'm Jack from Cincinnati.

Jack, you live down here? Just visiting?

No, I came down here to watch you work.

Isn't that something? God bless you.

Two grand!

Thank you.

God bless you! You're something else!

Thank you!

Hello.

You know, so many of us go through life doing one thing

and dreaming of doing something else.

I'm one of those people. I'm in show business.

I'm very fortunate to have that job, but quite frankly,

if I'd studied harder, or been graded more fairly,

I would have been a scientist or a doctor of some kind.

Well, the fulfillment of that dream finally happened for me

when I arrived here at the National Institute of Human Behavior,

a few miles southwest of Boulder, Colorado.

I knew from the inception of this motion picture

that without scientific guidance

from a nationally recognized research organization,

very few people would take this seriously.

However, with that guidance,

we not only had a chance at winning an Oscar,

but possibly a Nobel Prize too.

Ooh. It gives me the chills.

Let's go inside.

Come on.

Thousands of people responded to the advertisements

scientifically placed by the institute.

They filled out preliminary questionnaires in the privacy of their own homes.

Then, the 210 best families were invited here for final testing.

These tests in Boulder were designed to choose the one family unit

that could best reflect day-to-day living in contemporary America.

And at the same time,

hold a motion-picture audience completely spellbound.

During the time they stayed here,

the 210 families underwent more than 145 separate tests,

totaling more than 2500 test hours.

If these tests could be converted into eggs,

it would be enough to feed a city the size of St. Louis

for more than two years,

on a two egg per person, per week basis.

Sound complicated? It was, and very expensive.

However, even though we were paying for this,

for top security reasons,

the institute allowed us to film just a small portion

of a few of the tests.

Looks good.

Honey, I completely believed that.

Test 40, one of three role-reversal exercises.

The instructions were, "Be someone else in your family."

This test was invaluable,

not just because of the insights it gave into relationships,

but because it singlehandedly discouraged 23 families

from further participation,

saving us more than $90,000 in wasted testing costs.

- I wanna go out and play. - No! You heard what your mother said.

You have to stay in, do your homework and be quiet all day.

- But I wanna go out and play. - No!

- Well, I want to. - I said no!

- Well, I said yes. - I don't care what you say.

I'm the boss. And now you're gonna get a beating.

Wait. I don't wanna do that. Okay, okay, Harold. Harold, stop it!

- Don't call me Harold, call me "Dad"! - Don't you hit me, you little snot!

Damn you! Don't you do that.

All right. Thank you, folks.

- Thank you. Folks? - Stop it!

This was test 72,

one of 15 tests utilizing state-of-the-art computer technology.

This man...

was feeding all of his facial features into this,

the Graphicon 8000.

This amazing computer would actually show

what each family member's face would photograph like

from every conceivable angle.

And then, give us a digital readout of their screen presence.

Okay, it should be simple...

Test 141, known simply as the driving test.

Since much of anybody's life takes place in a car,

we wanted to make sure our family wasn't going to kill us.

Dummies, acting as cameramen,

were placed in one of the 200 cars in the institute's mobile test fleet.

When I tell you to start, just put the car in reverse,

- and back it up to that simulated garage. - Go?

In reverse and back in there. Okay, fine.

You were supposed to put it back in the simulated garage.

- What simulated garage? - Okay.

While the testing continued,

ground rules for the project were slowly being developed.

Most important was the unusual agreement

that only the studio and a few of the doctors at the institute

would actually be allowed to see the film as it was being shot.

The rest of us would have to wait until the year was over.