Half Baked

Wait, one

Wait, two

Three

Hey. What's up, everybody?

I'm Thurgood Jenkins. You know, it's funny,

but I can trace the entire path of my life to one childhood memory.

My last clear memory, really.

You see, it was the summer before ninth grade.

It was me, Brian, Kenny, Scarface...

and of course the loveable Old James.

Oh, hold on. Wait a minute. Old JamesOld James wasn't there.

I don't even know nobody named Old James. Shoot. Go on!

Why don't you light it up there, brother? All right. Here goes nothin'.

I don't remember graduatin'. And my first sexual experience I don't remember that either.

But, man, I will never forget the first time I smoked...

that sweet, sweet chiva.

Feel anything? Yeah, I feel my chest cavin' in.

This stuff didn't even work. Man!

Come on. Let's get some candy and get out of here, B.

I've heard people say they don't get high the first time they smoke.

Not me. Oh, not us.

We were really, really high.

We was toe up!

Do you guys feel different? A little.

How 'bout you, Scarface?

How you doin', Kenny? Kenny?

I haven't been so thirsty in my entire life.

Do you guys hear that?

Feels like Jerry Garcia's in my head. Am I goin' crazy?

We look at that day as the day we met the fifth member of our crew marijuana!

Oh, Lord, we was hooked!

So, now we all live together in New York.

I myself am a master of the custodial arts,

or a janitor if you want to be a dick about it.

Anyway, I work at this lab, Frankensense and Burr Pharmaceutical.

They do pharmaceutical testing for the government...

and big corporations and...

And I am the happiest custodian alive.

This job... sucks.

Abba-Zabba,

you my only friend.

Ah, it could be worse. I could have Scarface's job.

Heifer with cheese. You son of a bitch, I'm right behind you!

Turn around and ask me for Heifer with cheese, yo!

Why you gotta make me feel inferior 'cause I'm on the grill, B? Damn!

Scarface is kind of a hyper guy for a pothead. Sorry.

Kenny is probably doin' the best out of all of us.

He's a kindergarten teacher at some school downtown,

which I know might scare a lot of parents, seeing as how he's a weedhead and all.

But let me tell you, man, that guy does wonders for those children's self-esteem.

Thank you. Oh, I love you so much, little one.

All of you. All of you. It's so good.

Brian works at a new and used record store. Hi.

He gets to talk about music all day. I got a used Kenny Loggins album.

Perfect job for a stoner.

Lady, you want seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record?

I'll give you five. Uh-uh. He autographed it himself.

All right, I'll give you four.

Jan, stop it, man.

As far as herb goes, you can get it all over this town.

I mean, they might call it the city that never sleeps, but I'll tell you this:

It takes a lot of fuckin' weed naps. Free!

You can get the stuff at little corner stores called bodegas.

Say it with me:

Yes, very good.

These places always have incredibly old products. Como esta, fellas?

Hey-Hey. But the weed ain't bad.

Let me get four dime bags. Uh, I don't have no idea what you're talking about.

Jose, you crazy, man. He's crazy. Come on, man. Let me get them dimes.

See, the problem with bodegas is they never remember you.

You always have to do something extreme to let 'em know you're cool.

Hey, fellas. Y'all know me. Come on, now. Look at this.

Hey, black ass. Why you didn't moon us earlier, eh?

It was a little degrading.

If you desperate, you can get it from the Rastas at Washington Square Park,

but their stuff ain't even weed most the time.

I don't fall for that shit anymore.

Then there's a delivery service run by a guy named Samson Simpson.

Now, when you can afford it, this is the best way.

I mean, you can get anything you want, from weed to heroin.

Now, I don't do drugs, though. Just weed.

Coming.

See, all you have to do is call them up, and a half hour later,

you got a delivery guy at your house.

What a country!

Hi, you called about your plumbing? Empty pipes?

Secret code. Come on in.

You want highs, mediums or lows? How are the highs, man?

I say they got a piney taste, almost minty. Notice the little red hairs.

Yeah. And the rich greenery?

I see those. And it's definitely the highest grade hydroponics in the city.

What, did you go to weed college? Damn, nigger.

All right. Give me a 50 bag of that.

Been a pleasure. Pleasure's all mine.

Tell Samson I said hello, would ya? Sure thing.

Now, everybody has their own little ritual when it comes to smokin'.

Dope has arrived, fellas. And we were no different.

Break out Billy Bong Thornton. Yeah.

Whoo!

Billy, good to see you, man.

All right. Light it up.

Shoes off.

Oh, Brian, put yours back on, man.

For real, amigo. Do your sock laundry, yo.

Gentlemen, assume your positions.

Yeah.

Fire in the hole.

We found it on the corner So when we say

Bip Oxygen

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm- Oh, bip

Th-That's good

Yo, who's on munchies tonight, yo? Not me.

I guess that'd be me.

What do you guys want?

Get some...

sour cream and onion chips...

with some dip, man.

Some beef jerky. Some peanut butter.

Get some Haagen Dazs ice cream bars. A whole lot.

Make sure chocolate. Gotta have chocolate, man.

Some popcorn. Bread. Popcorn. Graham crackers.

Graham crackers with the marshmallows, the little marshmallows.

And little chocolate bars. We'll make some smores, man.

Yeah, that's what I was sayin', yo.

Also celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch with the little crunch berries.

Pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man.

Everything on 'em. With water, whole lot of water.

And... Funyuns.

Yeah.

That's it? Yeah.

Anything else? Oh, yeah.

Get me a box of condoms, and, um, what's that stuff?

We used to eat it all the time back in the day.

Pussy. That's right. You got it.

Thanks, man. Hey, hey!

If I'm not back in ten minutes, call the police.

If he ain't back in ten minutes,

we callin' Domino's.

I'm hungry, man. All right, yo.

Hey, girl.

You hungry? Fuck you, nigger!

Hey, I'm sorry. I was talkin' to the horse.

See the trouble you're gettin' me into?

You're hungry, aren't ya? Here.

You like popcorn.

It makes your teeth go pop, pop, pop.

This is Buster Phillips, and coming in at number eight, like El Nino,

"Samson Gets Me Lifted," by my main manWho? Sir Smoka Lot.

Ha!

This guy is weed crazy. Look at that.

What do you want, Master? Bitch, you know what I want.

I wanna talk to Samson

Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden

'Cause it's hard bein' black and gifted

Sometimes I wanna throw it all down and get lifted

That is so cool, man.

He got the same dealer as us. What you mean?

Samson. Oh, right.

Everybody knows in my neighborhood it's the bestest around

Samson's shit is blessed Got the whole town on lockdown

That's where I want to live. Right there.

Think about this shit please

I'm all out.

I'm all out of food. You ate it all.

Gee, you must've been so hungry.

Uh-oh.

Buttercup! Buttercup!

I need an ambulance, now! Officer down.

I repeat: Officer down!

What the hell did you give my Buttercup?

I just gave him some candy and some chips...

and some pink popcorn and some Funyuns...

This horse is a diabetic!

Buttercup. Buttercup.

Don't you leave me. Breathe, Buttercup.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Why?

Why? Why?

You're under arrest. What?

You dumb son of a bitch! No!

I'm aI'm a peaceful man.

I'm a schoolteacher! Shut up! You're a cop killer.

Cop killer? I love horses.

I love horses. I love horses.

I love buttered stuff. Buttercup.

Say it. Butter nuts.

Cup. Cup. Cup. Cup.

Why must you rage? Stop the hate, child.

Bail is set at one million dollars for the crime of killing an officer of the law.

And may God have mercy on your soul, young man.

Court is adjourned. Back to your cells. Lockdown.

Good night, Fish.

Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish!

My weed's wearing off.

Guess who? Yo. Psst. Thurgood.

Hey, nigger, what time is it? It's 8:30.

Kenny didn't come home last night. We are worried, man.

Word, yo. Where the hell is he?

Did he just move?

Kenny called. He's in jail.