The Ricky Gervais Show

For the past few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly

for a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show"

with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ...And the little round-headed buffoon

that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

The number of times I find a theory

that he said in gobblety-gook but it's true,

I think that, um,

I think he's been dealt

a bad hand in the brain department.

D'you know what I mean?

- Yeah. - Thoughts, Karl?

Well, your brain's in two bits, isn't it?

Yeah.

And I wonder if one half is really good,

the other half is messing it up.

- Yeah. - That's how I feel sometimes.

- It could be the case. - Well, it is split into two,

and they are responsible for different things.

- Yeah. - It's like these families

where there's a really bright kid and then a sort of wayward child

who just gets into drugs and stuff. Sort of like that up there.

- Yeah. - In your head.

'Cause you have quite sort of out-there nebulous thoughts

and you've got a lot of common sense, haven't you?

I'm just having that...

That other sense of, like, "This is dodgy."

What, spider-sense?

Just that sense where you just go,

"I don't know why, but something's telling me

we shouldn't be here."

And you go, "All right, let's go."

And you move from it.

- And you don't know what that is. - Yeah.

You don't know what's decided that.

You know, it's like when you're lost.

A part of me brain's got me lost but then there's another bit that

I don't know what it is, where they go, "Go left."

And you do and then you go...

Remember that time when you called me and I said I don't know where I am

- and I couldn't concentrate? - Think of that.

Think of that. I called him, I went,

"Karl, what are you doing?" He went, "I don't know where I am."

- What do you mean you didn't know where you were? - I got lost.

- What, in London you got lost? - Yeah yeah yeah.

I went wandering and then, you know.

It's when he first moved in to his new place.

He was walking back from his old place to his new place

and he didn't know where he was.

How can you ever really get lost in London though? Just ask a cabbie.

Um, well yeah, I don't wanna do that because

I feel bad pulling one over and then saying "Where am I?"

Yeah, they don't appreciate that, do they?

But I found me way back, didn't I?

But you told me one time that you... that you much prefer getting lost.

You love wandering around and getting lost. You said that's much better.

It was a cold day. It was a cold day. I just wanted to be at home.

I had things to do. There's a time and place to be lost.

- Go on. - Well, the place...

What's the place... what's the place to be lost?

- Somewhere you don't know. - Right, good. Okay, specific.

- And the time? - The time... when you're not in a rush.

But that time I was in a rush and it was cold.

So a typical argument in your head is what?

- I'm lost. - Um...

I'll do one side of the brain. You do the other side of the brain, okay?

In your head, okay?

- Karl? - What?

This isn't where we should be.

You wanted to go home, didn't you? This isn't your house.

'Cause it's a field.

You live in a house, don't you?

Why are we standing in a field? This isn't your house.

You're meant to go home but you've walked into a field.

No, but that wouldn't... I've never been that lost

where I'm walking across a field.

At the edge of the field I'd go "Hang on a minute, this isn't right."

I wouldn't get in the middle... I wouldn't go that far.

I'd go, "Right, I definitely shouldn't be here."

You did once. You were in the middle of a field

- and your dad had to rescue and carry you. - That's when I was a kid

because I was reading as I was walking.

And he never read again.

But there's another sense. I was in the middle of nettles there.

- Yeah. - I'd walked... it was at...

It was at me brother's wedding in Cornwall

and I was walking near a cliff edge.

- Reading a book? - Okay, so...

Karl, I know you're enjoying this book.

Can I have a word with you? Just look...

Just look past the book a minute. Just... there's a big drop.

Yeah, that's what happened and then that's when me other senses went,

"Hang on a minute, I'm being stung... a load of nettles and stuff."

I just had to wait there for ages until me dad sort of thought,

"Where's Karl?" I was there for about an hour and a half.

At least you had a book.

Fuck me like a cartoon.

But why are you wandering off reading a book when it's your brother's wedding?

No, this was like... we were in...

I think it was St. Ives. Is St. Ives in Cornwall?

- Yeah. - Yeah, I was in St. Ives.

And, uh, just, you know, it was a nice day and that.

There was no telly in the place.

It was a horrible house.

It was this old... It was haunted actually.

- No, honestly. - No, not honestly.

It wasn't haunted. There's no such thing as ghosts so those...

So you saying "Honestly it was haunted" means fuck all.

It's the most... It's the weirdest place

and weirdest sensation I've ever had.

I spoke to a woman called Mrs. Battersby.

Right. Who sat on me bed, keeping me up all night.

Me mum came up and she says, "You look shattered."

I said, "Yeah I haven't had a kip all night." She said, "Why?"

I said, "I've been talking to Mrs. Battersby."

She said, "Who's that?" I said, "I don't know. Some old woman."

Now I can't remember it now, but that's what I did then

- and then, uh... - Sorry sorry.

So Mrs. Battersby didn't exist? Is that what you're saying? She was the ghost?

- Yeah. - It wasn't the landlady?

No, there's no landlady. It's a big house.

- About... about 12 bedrooms in it. - Right.

They're dead cheap to stay there 'cause it was a wreck.

- Me mum and dad went out one night... - Were you ill?

- Did you have flu at the time? - No, I had nothing like that.

So you were sitting up but you were awake

and you were having a conversation with Mrs. Battersby?

What did she look like?

I can't remember. I can't even remember having the chat now,

but at the time I was like, "Oh, she just doesn't shut up."

- Chatting all night. - So you don't remember this happening.

- Or you do remember it happening? - No, I remember,

that like... if I see me mom now and I mention,

say... She'll go "Oh yeah, Mrs. Battersby."

She remembers coming in, because she was older than me, wasn't she?

- Who? - So to her... me mom.

How old was Mrs. Battersby? She was older than both of you.

She was old because I am calling her Mrs. Battersby.

If she was my age I'd probably say, "Oh, it's Susan" or whatever.

- Right, sure... Miss Battersby. - You call older people by their surname don't you?

- Anyway, so she came up one night. - How old were you?

Don't know. I'm thinking of pictures at the wedding.

Uh...

Why do you have to go through other things to just have a memory?

- How old do you reckon you were? - I don't understand

why you haven't got direct access to your memories.

- How old do you reckon you were? - Uh...

Your mom was older though, yeah?

You must have a vague idea of when this event was?

I'm thinking about it now. I'm thinking.

I'm picturing the picture of myself at this wedding.

- How tall were you? - How old were you? What were you doing?

I'd say I look about seven or eight

- looking at the picture. - Right, okay.

- Right, okay. - So Mrs. Battersby

is chatting away to you. You don't remember what she says,

- but you do remember having the conversation? - He doesn't remember at all.

- I don't remember the chat now. - Then why are you telling...

- You must remember it 'cause you're telling us about it. - It's not your memory!

It's a memory. Me mom's reminded me of it.

Yeah, but... Oh, this is so far removed.

This is hearsay that your mom said you spoke to a ghost once.

- You don't even remember the ghost. - Mrs. Battersby.

- But you don't remember her. - You only remember because your mom reminded you!

In a court of law... If there was a ghost court,

they'd go, "Hearsay. Thrown out of court."

- Right. - You don't have a memory of Mrs. Battersby.

No, look, I know that when I was a kid, I ate a beetle.

I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice.

- Now I can't remember that now. - You can't remember that

but you know it happened because your mother told you it happened.

- Exactly. - Right.

But the fundamental thing is that we can believe...

His memories... His memories are amazing.

We can believe you ate a beetle but because that

is something that could happen in real life.

What we're questioning is that you spoke to a ghost.

"I thought it was licorice"!

What sort of beetle was it?

Just one of them standard beetles,

just a little black shiny one.

Thing is, right, couple years ago we were in the Ivy

and the food came and there's a big blob of wasabi, right?

It was like a-a... called an oriental hors d'oeuvre, right?

And I looked over at Karl and he started going... ( Gasps ) Drinking water.

I said, "What?" He said, "I ate that."

I said, "That was a blob of wasabi."

He said, "I thought it was one mushy pea."

That's a classy restaurant if they're serving one mushy pea.

Well, they do that, don't they? Small portions.

- It's all trendy, innit? - I love the fact

that it's exactly the same thing...

They've swapped beetle for wasabi

and licorice for pea.