Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

Jonny, I like Fanny.

I see. If that's the way you feel, I should pack my bags and leave.

I mean, as a name for the baby.

No son of mine is being called Fanny.

Says the man who wants to call the baby Churchill.

Churchill's different. That dog's a national institution.

I'll ask the hen night girls if they've got any ideas.

- You're not having a hen night. - You're having a stag night.

Yes, I am. The rowdiest, most kickingest, most top-tastic stag night in history!

- But I'm not with child. - So what?

You can have a little tea party if you stay in and have it here.

We're hens. You can't keep us cooped up.

Uh-uh, you can keep hens cooped up. You know why?

To protect their little eggs.

Stop tricking me with farmyard metaphors.

I want to have a bit of fun before the wedding.

No point going out. You can't drink, you can't smoke, you can't dance.

Why does being pregnant mean I can't dance?

Who said it was cos you were pregnant?

Maybe I could have a baby shower.

It's a party where stupid women bring presents for the baby.

What presents would you give to a baby? Oh, I know.

Gold, frankincense and myrrh.

You're so greedy, Jonny. Always wanting myrrh!

Look at the present I've sorted out for Friday.

- Donna, I thought you'd forgotten. - Forgotten?

My court appearance. It's traditional to buy a little something.

Jewellery, something small in case I need to smuggle it up my...

Before you go further down that route, it's for Janet, for the wedding.

Euwww! You must really hate her.

No. We've made friends.

She's sorry and I've forgiven her.

What about my last night of freedom?

Before I get sent to prison for a crime I did not commit.

- You won't go to prison, you'll get a fine. - That's what they said to Gary Glitter.

No, it isn't.

It's got to be the greatest night out ever.

Booze, violence and meaningless sexual activity.

That's not like you.

I know, but I've got to cram the rest of my youth into that one evening.

After the trial, there'll be no more sexy young boys for a while.

Which possibly is what they said to Gary Glitter.

So, me fellow stags, we start off with a few pints here,

- go-karting, a Ruby Murray, then a club. - Sounds good.

Not forgetting to humiliate Jonny at every given opportunity.

So we'll be reminding him of the time he wet himself watching Gentle Ben.

That time he got savaged by that badger!

And the time he got run over by that milk float and nearly died!

The time you shagged his missus!

No, no, no, no.

- How do you know that? - Everyone knows.

- Jonny doesn't. Keep that to yourself. - No chance. Not after a couple of beers.

Bound to come out. We'll accidentally let it slip or make a joke.

Or we'll show him our T-shirts.

- It's subtle, like, but I think he'll get it. - So when is this stag night?

Dunno. It isn't finalised...

It's this Thursday.

No, it isn't.

- Yeah, it is. You booked the bar. - No, I haven't.

Whenever the stag night is, it's not this Thursday. Don't come here on Thursday.

No point in coming here this Thursday. Be a complete and utter waste of time.

- Gives us time to arrange the billboard. - See you next week.

- I'll cancel the booking, then, shall I? - No, don't. It is this Thursday.

I can't ask people who know about me and Janet.

Everyone I talk to seems to know.

I say, "Did you know about that Gaz sleeping with that Janet?"

- If they say no, my lips are sealed. - Who told you?

Munch. He said, "Did you know about that Gaz sleeping with that Janet?"

I said no. He said, "My lips are sealed." Which Janet's obviously weren't.

Could you please not mention it to anyone else?

- Mention what? - About that Gaz sleeping with...

Goose.

I made love to a goose.

I don't want to talk about it.

Right, stag night. Are you gonna humiliate me?

- Oh, yeah. - Really? Are you gonna make me cry?

- We'll certainly do our best. - Just saw Lee and Ste. Are they coming?

They can't make it. No, they've got to go to hospital.

- God, what for? - To have a testicle removed.

Both of them?

Lee is having it removed

and Ste's donating one to replace it.

Gaz, I think you're planning something.

- Could be. - Nothing too raucous, though.

I know it's traditional to have a stripper but some are a bit over the top.

They go all the way, take everything off. Treat you like a sex object. It's obscene.

- Yeah, I know, Jonny. - They rub their oily bodies all over you

and thrust their greasy nipples in your face. It's disgusting.

I agree.

I've got some phone numbers for some of the really dirty ones.

So you'll know what to avoid. I'll just leave them here next to your phone.

Two cups of tea. I've warmed the handle slightly for you, Donna.

- Cheers. - Want a biscuit, a cake, a casserole?

No.

I'll get you some anyway, just in case you change your mind.

- She can't relax. - Sweet. She's so worried about my trial.

It's me she's worried about.

Ever since I've forgiven her, she's been fussing round me.

Here we go. Bakewell tarts, mini rolls, digestives.

Oh, no, digestives. They're not good enough for you, Donna.

Janet, calm down. Stop treating me like some sort of vicar.

I'm not. More tea?

No. We're supposed to be treating you.

I don't deserve to be treated. I'm a horrible person.

- I'm just so glad you're my friend again. - Not this again. We've moved on.

It's Gaz I'm angry with, not you. Stop being sorry.

Sorry. I mean... sorry.

Now, I know it's not your wedding just yet, but... I've got you a present.

- No, Donna, it's too much. - No, it isn't.

She's right, Janet, it isn't.

Donna, it's beautiful.

It was mine when I was little.

I'd listen to it to drown out the sound of Mum doing her pilots.

- Pilates! - No, they were definitely pilots.

I was saving it for when I have kids but since I haven't got any

and all men are bastards

and since the world has crushed all hope of me ever finding happiness

and I'm gonna die...

a lonely spinster,

shunned by a society that cannot comprehend the magnitude of my grief...

ta-daa!

Donna, I'm so touched.

This box will symbolise our everlasting friendship.

If you're that impressed by something from the back of Donna's cupboard,

wait till you see this.

Oh, a collage of photos of us. Louise, that's brilliant. It must've taken ages.

It did.

Look, there's you on that carousel at the fair, you last bonfire night,

you building a snowman,

you playing crazy golf, you wearing a cowboy outfit.

They're all of you, Louise.

It's to remind you of me while I'm rotting away in prison.

Head down, nose clean, doing me bird. Five to ten in a pen.

- You aren't going to prison. - I might.

So your hen night better be good. Come on, Donna, let's find some drugs.

I'm not having a hen night. I'm having a baby shower.

Why can't you have a proper hen night?

Stagger round Widnes with an L-plate,

giving blow jobs to herpes-ridden bouncers.

Delightful as that sounds, I'll stick with the baby shower.

Brilliant. I'll be with a roomful of women talking about mashed food and potties.

That's how I might be spending the next ten years.

Just cos we're staying in doesn't mean we can't have fun.

We can play records and board games. Help me dig out Game of Life.

God help me.

- See you later. - Mm.

Oh, my shit!

- (Gaz) Hey! - (Cheering)

All right? Wow!

Hey, Jonny, ready for your big night?

It's brilliant, Gaz. All these people.

Um... who are they?

What do you mean? They're the stags, ready for a night of beer and mayhem.

Yeah, but I don't actually know any of them.

You do! You remember Greg.

- Glen. - Glen.

- You were in the same year at school. - I don't recognise you.

I lived in Nottingham at the time.

Remember Dave, the lad we used to play football with after school?

This is the fella who cuts his hair.

Right. Wow.

What about the rest of those footie lads? Are they coming?

Sorry, Jonny, it was a long time ago.

Many of those lads are now... dead.

- Paul Buxton isn't dead. - Yeah, well...

H-He's in prison, you know, for life.

No, he isn't. I saw him in the chippy last week. He said he was a web designer.

Well...

Unless he'd escaped and made that story up so I wouldn't report him.

- Then he got caught again. - Hard to believe, I know.

- Complaining about your stag night? - No, no. What have you arranged?

That's for you to find out. Don't make long-term plans for your pubic hair!

Just in case you need it - a timetable of trains to Edinburgh. That one's nonstop.

Don't peak too soon. You've a lifetime of catching up to do with these guys.

There you go. Cheers.

- To Jonny! - (All) To Jonny!

Hi.

I've brought booze, balloons,

and some of Mum's pills in case things need pepping up.

This is it? This is my last night of freedom?

But you haven't done anything.

I have. I flushed the toilet. Anyway, you're early.

I thought I'd make the most of my last night.

I might as well wander down to prison and see if they'll let me in a day early.

- Things'll pick up. - They'd better. Who have you invited?

- Ah, I... - Oh, brilliant.

So it's you, me and Donna, same as every other blooming night in my life.

I'm really sorry, Louise.

The thing is, you know the music box Donna gave me?

I thought it was tacky, to be honest.

- I stood on it. - Oh, good.

Does it still play?