Family Guy

Good morning, Peter. Hope you enjoyed sleeping in.

Oh, there's no sleeping in when you're an alcoholic, Lois.

You just never go to sleep.

Happy Valentine's Day, honey.

You actually remembered it was Valentine's Day.

Of course I did.

Look, I know in years past,

I haven't always been the most thoughtful partner.

I'm often self-centered, confuse my words, and shellfish.

But I love you today and every day.

You are our family's rock,

which is why I got you this.

Oh, jewelry.

Like in a commercial.

A Pedalton?

Okay, can I talk to you upstairs for a near-the-vent argument?

How dare you buy me something that suggests I need exercise!

This is a loud way to say thank you.

Anybody have Valentine's Day in the divorce pool?

That would be Meg.

Boom, boom, boom.

Picked a holiday. Smart. She's smart.

I just thought you'd like it. I saw it on The Today Show.

Second hour with Hoda and Savannah

or third hour with the nonsense people?

- Second hour. - Where is it?

Good morning.

I'm your instructor, Cody Spraytan.

Are you ready to pedal so hard your periods go away?

Yes! It's not healthy, but it's convenient.

Now we're gonna sprint

while I tell a distracting personal story

about how I almost met Adam Levine.

It's 2016. It's Vegas.

I'm coming off a horrible breakup.

First pool party in,

I see who I think is a dirty man with tattoos,

and I'm like, "Ugh."

But then I'm like, "Wait a minute."

Huh, I think I'll try a scenic ride this morning.

Let's see. Uh, California Coastline,

Gardens of Singapo...

Oh, The Tour De Franz.

Pull over here. Let's get a sausage.

We just started, Dennis.

I once watched a squirrel get hit by a car right here,

and I saw one get hit by a truck over there.

Yeah, you've seen a lot of squirrels

get hit by a lot of things.

There are a lot of stupid squirrels.

Shouldn't you be wearing bike shorts

- instead of jean shorts? - Eh, shorts are shorts.

Oh, hey, there's a stop sign coming.

Give it the finger and ride through.

Bite me!

This isn't very fun. When are we done?

We ride until my ass falls out.

It's already out.

Then we're done.

What the hell?

You're not taking this from me, bitch.

Suck it, Bon.

I hope that mascara burns your eyes out.

How's that cheap wine headache?

Go roll in dirt, you pig.

Your hair dye stinks! Tell your daughter

- to stop watching me change! - Tell your son to stop watching me change!

Peter, go cut her power!

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh, someone's in here.

Whoa, did we get that European exchange student

I saw on TikTok?

Hey, little man.

Lois?

But you're... you're... hot.

All right, everyone out.

I got a soupy keister.

Wow, Mom. You are looking fit.

Yeah, you're ripped.

You look like Madonn...

You want to say that again?

Who do I look like?

The mom from Modern Family.

That's right. Julie Bowen.

That's the appropriate answer.

What do you think of Lois's new look?

I say this in the most respectful way possible,

but don't you think she looks a little...

- mannish? - Mannish. Yeah, awesome, right?

Yeah, I got to say, Peter, I love that bike.

Hey, maybe you should give it a try, huh?

No way. Name one cool person who rides a bike.

Kermit the Fro...

Okay, skinny legs, here I come.

Good morning. Are you ready to sweat?

- I woke up sweating. - Okay, let's climb this hill!

I want to impress you

but also see if I can peek down your sports bra.

Ow! Ow! Ow! My balls.

No, the other ones.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Did you hear that?

- I think Peter hurt his balls. - I didn't hear anything.

Hmm. Must have been at a frequency only dogs can hear.

Excuse me, I have to go bark.

So, what do you think happened

to my voice, Doc?

Peter, I'm afraid you suffered

something called Pedalton Balls.

Here's a video explaining everything.

Hi, I'm Oliver Platt,

here to talk to you about Pedalton Balls,

a painful condition where your testicles

get lodged next to your voice box.

It's actually part of a long list of ailments

that fat guys suffer when they try to exercise.

These include

Trapped Fart Disorder,

Jump Rope Tangles,

Push-Up Butt,

Sock-Skin Foot and Jog Fog,

where your sweat condenses into a functioning cloud.

But don't worry. With the help of gravity,

Pedalton Balls will clear itself.

While you're waiting,

check out my 1993 medium hit The Three Musketeers,

because I only do movies

with titles that are also candy bars.

Isn't there anything I can do

to help my voice get back to normal faster?

I don't know, I just like putting on videos.

I guess try doing something with a lot of needless standing?

All rise.

Before we start communion,

we have a few church announcements.

First off, I'm seeing a lot of AirPods in ears,

so let's get that under control.

Secondly, all hymns now identify as "they."

And, of course, "amen" is now "athem."

Athem.

Athem.

Stewie, how would you like

to go to a Mommy & Me class with me tomorrow, huh?

They haven't seen my new look yet,

and I feel like I need a win in front of the Range Rover mom.

Are you asking me out on a date?

Well, I'm gonna have to get waxed first.

I want you to make it look like Caillou.

- The Body of Christ. - Thank you, Father.

Your voice. It's pristine.

You know, one of our altar boys called in sick today.

How would you like to fill in for him in the choir?

Well, okay.

But only if God will kill a bunch of babies for no reason.

That's not a problem.

God does that a lot in the Bible.

They're falling asleep out there.

We got to kick this up a notch.

- Follow my lead. - We don't know who you are.

Wow, that was amazing!

How would you like to be a regular member of the choir?

I'll do it, buddy, under one condition:

we shake like that epic handshake meme.

You got a deal, buddy.

Everyone, let's take out our drums for drum circle.

You ready to play again? Me, too.

My refraction period is very short.

I finish fast, but I can go a lot.

Some people prefer that.

A good refractor.

Now let me do you.

Is everyone watching?

Are they impressed with how quickly I refracted?

That was wonderful, Peter.

Way better than our previous choir

who killed half our congregation during COVID.

You really think you can just come in here

- and steal our spotlight? - Aw, Spotlight.

Yeah, before you came, I was wrist-deep

in every old lady's casserole.

Now I'm lucky if I get just a sniff

of an old lady's casserole.

I like this story.

If you knew what was good for you, you'd quit right now.

I'm not quitting. And I'm not gonna be bullied