Kristin's Christmas Past

Come on, you have two minutes or I'm leaving.

Look, I know. I know, Jamie.

Give me, like, five seconds, and I will be right down.

Anthony, my man!

Seriously? 30 minutes.

Yes, I'm late. Because unlike

the bobblehead models you date,

it actually takes me a minute

to pull this together.

Kristin, you remember Sophia.

Hello.

Oh, you brought Sophia

to my company Christmas party.

She wanted to come.

Right.

Those boots, they are so...

interesting.

Thank you, they're part of my costume.

It's a themed party.

You're supposed to dress up like a Christmas past.

You didn't even dress up.

Yes, I did. The Hole t-shirt you gave me for Christmas.

Really? I gave that to you when?

Circa what? Circa high school.

I can't believe you remember that.

I don't remember what you gave me last year.

I paid off your student loan.

What? It wasn't a big deal.

It's not to you, Richie Rich, but it saved me from

another round of egg donations.

Right, hey, let's get this party started.

What's... oh, um, no.

Sexy Santa helper in an after-hours club in college.

We were in the same college. How did I miss that?

It's my Christmas past, you get it?

Aah! Let's take a picture with Santa.

Seriously?

My costume is funny.

Why isn't anyone getting that it's funny?

Because people are sad and humorless.

Oh, you get it, right?

Yeah, I totally get it.

Oh yeah, I get it, too.

I think you make the perfect slutty Santa.

All right, let's boogie.

Doesn't look like anybody else

got the memo that this is a costume party.

Hey! Sasha!

Yo, Sasha?

What happened to the Christmas Past theme?

You didn't get my e-mail?

Um, obviously no.

Oh, sorry. My bad.

She did that on purpose.

She wants my job.

I officially hate Christmas.

Ladies, how about some drinks?

This better not be a beer and wine party.

Ready to go?

Already?

We've only been here just over an hour.

Is that all?

Come on, I always do this party with Kris.

I know, I know. You always do this with Kris.

You always do that with Kris.

What do you want me to do? She's my best friend.

Did you even tell her yet?

About Christmas Eve? No.

Not yet, but I will.

I'm just... she's...

she's in a really vulnerable place right now

with the break-up and everything.

I'm just waiting for the right moment...

Unbelievable. Hey, hey. Sophia.

I will tell her. I promise you.

I'm just... I just need a little more time.

You have a right to grow up too, Jamie.

No matter what Kristin thinks.

Yo.

I'm so sorry Sophia took the car.

No, you're not. Yes, I am.

Because she took the car. My feet are killing me.

You want me to get you a cab?

No, I'm good. It's the most exercise

I've got all week.

I'm so fat.

I'd kill for a cheeseburger right now.

Aw, me too. Wouldn't you kill for

a cheeseburger right now?

Sophia's on this crazy

vegetarian diet.

I know, I know, I know.

I actually snuck out the other night for some...

God! I did... you cannot tell her.

You cannot tell. I would be in so much See, that's what you get

for dating the ultra-hip and the ultra-thin.

You just got a secondary eating disorder...

Hey! Ow! Suck it, Santa!

Ho-ho-ho! Ow! Can we please not

harass any classic American icons tonight?

Sorry, but you know that Christmas makes me both

destructive and self-destructive.

You know that. Ow.

Not everybody goes home for the holidays, Kris.

Really? Yeah.

Do you know anybody who hasn't gone home for Christmas?

Like, besides me?

You could always call your mother, and...

Oh, and say what? What would I say? I would say,

"Um, hi, Mom. I'm so sorry I've never

called you back for 17 years."

You know what? I just don't think that would work.

You know, and, besides, why do I need to?

I have you.

There's something I need to tell you, Kris.

Snacks.

Wait.

It's like an elf threw up in here.

Merry Christmas.

Bah humbug.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

What do you think I should go with?

Jalapeno?

Ooh, nacho cheese.

Hah!

Ooh, what is that?

I'm sorry, I meant to give this to you earlier.

It's your Christmas present.

I... I don't understand.

Why aren't we doing that tomorrow on the rooftop?

That's the thing.

I don't know if...

Uh-uh. No. No-no-no.

No-no-no, that is our tradition.

17 years. You and I.

Rooftop. Christmas Eve. The anti-Christmas.

I'm taking Sophia home for Christmas.

So...

I'm not gonna be here for the rooftop this year.

I'm sorry. I didn't know how to tell you.

Wait a second, like home? Like home-home,

Pasadena, home-home?

That home.

I don't understand. You don't even like her.

Yes, I do. No, you don't.

No, you don't. 'cause she doesn't drink.

She doesn't eat meat.

The woman doesn't listen to music.

I'm sorry, but who doesn't listen to music?

That's weird. That's weird.

That's a flag. This isn't about Sophia.

Then what is it about?

Is it about torturing me?

Kristin, come on.

My parents aren't getting any younger.

Who knows how many more Christmases

they have left?

What does that even mean?

I just think it's time to grow up.

To start going home for Christmas

like normal people.

Please don't leave me alone for Christmas.

No, I'm sorry, I cannot live

in the past anymore.

I have to go.

Merry Christmas.

Can I please have a bottle of champagne?

What is that?

No charge. Special gift for Christmas.

Seriously?

It's delicious. Please take it.

Ooh, yeah. Yeah. I will take it.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Hey. Bean.

Oh, did you miss me, young man?

Yeah, well.

We're gonna celebrate Christmas alone this year, Bean.

because Jamie's decided

to go home for Christmas

with some bobblehead model.

Yeah.

That is amazing.

Oh, Bean.

I'm sorry, but you can't have any.

At least you'd never leave me to drink alone.

Yeah?

Oh, Bean.

I do this to myself.

I'm alone on Christmas.

And it's been so long I don't even know

how to fix it.