Carry On Camping

..and in spite of all she'd heard,

Sally was quite unprepared for the sight that met her eyes,

as she looked out of her tent on this first morning in Paradise Camp.

Everywhere she looked, happy campers went about their everyday tasks

unencumbered by clothing,

unembarrassed and unashamed,

so this was paradise!

How beautiful it seemed to her.

How unlike her past holidays in Bournemouth.

Suddenly, Sally's shyness and natural timidity vanished,

and forgetting all about her strict convent training,

she stepped out from her tent, as naked and free as nature intended.

Cor! That's quite enough of that, thank you.

What's the matter? You told us this film was about camping.

It is. Those are tents, aren't they? Not what you're looking at.

If you're going on a camping holiday, it makes sense to find out what it's all about.

A fat lot you're going to learn from this!

I'm making a mental note of all the equipment they've got.

Yes, especially hers.

Sh!

Setting out to explore paradise,

Sally's first stop was at the tennis court,

where four sun-bronzed campers were playing a mixed doubles.

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, gorblimey!

You won't see nothing like that at Wimbledon - open or not.

If one of those men turn round, I'm walking straight out of here.

What's the matter, Anth? Don't you like tennis?

I feel sick.

I don't blame her. Honestly, I don't know where to look.

I do. Ha-ha-ha!

Close your eyes and I'll tell you when to open them.

I don't want to close my eyes. I just want to go.

I know just how she feels. It's disgusting, that's what it is, disgusting!

What are you talking about? It's artistic.

Artistic? Certainly.

With all those big bottoms bobbling about all over the screen?

You wouldn't think anything of it if we went round like that all the time,

free, unfettered, unashamed.

Oh, no? I suppose you'd rather be sat here all stark naked?

It wouldn't bother me. It would if your ice lolly fell in your lap.

You're a prude.

If you don't mind, we're trying to hear back here.

Sorry, mate, if I'd known that I'd have spoken a bit louder. Ha-ha-ha.

In another part of the camp a party of carefree young people

were just starting off on a bicycle ride.

Hey, look, Anth! That fair girl at the end, she's got a saddle just like mine.

Ooh!

That's being unfettered. They don't bother with trouser clips.

While in front of the canteen,

a group of men were benefiting from a PT class,

rhythmically bending over to touch their toes.

Oh, dear!

Oh, my God! That does it. Anthea was right.

We should have gone to The Sound Of Music. You've seen that before.

I've seen THAT before, too. Sh! Oh, shut up!

Come on, Anthea. Are you coming as well?

Wait a minute. Let's see the end.

I've seen enough ends already. Come on, Anthea.

I suppose we'd better go with 'em, Sid.

Excuse me.

It makes you sick.

They just don't appreciate culture.

And so to the swimming pool,

where all the prettiest young girls were disporting themselves.

Ah!

Hello, darling.

Oh, no. Hello, Peter, darling.

I'm checking on the camping gear. So I see.

Had a good day? Oh, not bad.

Got drunk at lunch time, then went to a strip club, then finished off in bed with a popsy.

Ah, look, there's a hole in this tent flap.

Yes, the goat ate its way in last year.

Oh, yes, I remember. He was after your bedding.

Yes, that's right. He even left a deposit on it.

Oh, poor Peter! We had a good laugh about that, though,

didn't we? Yes, you did, didn't you?

That's what I love about camping. Such fun, always.

Did you have a good day? Not bad, no, no.

A chap came into the office with a pound of opium

and we smoked it and we spent the afternoon in a harem.

I've been thinking, we ought to try Devon again this year,

we had such a marvellous time there last time.

I've been thinking, too, darling.

That marvellous little camping site near Stoats Hollow,

do you remember? Harriet, please listen to me.

I am listening. What a funny thing to say.

I've been thinking about this holiday,

and I was wondering if possibly, just once,

w-w-we might go abroad somewhere.

Abroad?

Camping?

Oh, nothing so luxurious as that.

I thought we might...we might rough it in some four-star hotel.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no. You wouldn't like that.

Sleeping in strange beds, eating oily food,

and using all those peculiar toilets.

The toilets we have to dig out at camp aren't exactly the last word.

Oh, but they're all ours.

Yes, well, it's just that I think I may be getting too old for it.

Oh, don't be silly, Peter! You mark my words, you'll die under canvas.

That's what I'm afraid of. No.

You always enjoy your camping holiday and you must have one.

You're tired. Perhaps you had a bad day at the office?

No. No, no, no, no.

I met this chap who'd just come back from camping in Scotland

and his wife was ravished by a wild haggis

and now they're expecting a little faggot.

Oh!

Yes?

We mustn't forget to take a good supply of toilet paper this time.

You know what happened last year. Yes,

we had nothing to write to your mother on.

No! No, sir, you mustn't!

If you keep on doing that, you'll...

Oh!

Please, sir!

Oh, hello.

Miss Dobbin, what on earth is the meaning of this?

I'm sorry, Mr Short. The gentleman kept touching things.

That's quite right. I've been bursting to know what it's like inside a tent.

I see. All right, Miss Dobbin, I'll attend to this customer.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Splendid girl, and so helpful.

Do you know, she's being showing me how to stick the pole up?

Quite.

I take it you're interested in purchasing equipment?

Oh, rather! I've always been interested in camping.

But since I've never done it before,

I thought I'd go to the very best place for advice.

Quite so, sir. So you came here.

Well, yes, you see, the best shop was closed.

I can assure you, we can supply everything essential for a really successful camping holiday.

Oh, but I need everything!

Are you going alone, sir?

Why? Do you supply that, too?

This way, sir, please.

Yes, of course.

Sid, let's get back to work. Oh, come on!

We're only going to ask where this Paradise Camp is.

But they'll know it's nudist and it'll be embarrassing.

What are you talking about?

Like going into a chemist's for something, finding a girl serving, and coming out with toothpaste.

I wondered what you were doing with all those tubes in your cupboard.

No. It's not that. Besides, you'll never get Joan and Anth to go to a place like that.

How long have we been taking them out? About three months.

And where's it got us? I've kissed Anth.

What did that lead to? She was sick.

Because I'd been eating picked onions.

We're lumbered with two birds with prohibitions.

You mean "inhibitions".

I mean "prohibitions". They just won't allow us.

All the same, you can't take them to a place like that.

If we can get those two birds to Paradise Camp,

all that freedom, back to nature,

do you think they can keep on holding out? Never.

How will you get 'em to go there? Don't tell 'em. Come on.

No. Hold on a minute. I can't go to a nudist place.

Why not? Other people do. Maybe, but not people like us.

Have we got three legs or something?

It's not that.

When I'm on holiday, I like to relax. So?

And when I relax, I like to put my hands in my pockets.

You can relax with your hands behind your back. Prince Philip does.

Not with nothing on, he doesn't. How do you know?

You make it sound like it was something shameful to go into a nudist camp.

It's the most healthy, natural thing in the world.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, as a matter of fact, my mate and I were wondering if you could...

Yes?

Well, we were looking for...

Yes?

Er, a tube of toothpaste, please.

We don't sell toothpaste, sir.

Aspirins?

I'll take one of these, then.

See?

Here! That's it!

That's it! Ha-ha-ha.

Come on.

Go on!

I'll teach you to call me a cow, you old bitch!

Look out, the Head's coming!

Oh!

Stand up, girls.

Good evening, Miss Haggard.

Carry on, girls.

Come in.

Ah, Matron, what can I do for you?

I'm sorry to trouble you, Dr Soaper, but I've been thinking about this camping trip

for the girls that remain with us during the holidays.

What about it? I was wondering if it really was such a good idea.

Perhaps you're forgetting, it was MY idea.

Oh, no, no. And, of course, it is an absolutely splendid one.

But... But what?

Well, I was wondering whether perhaps they might find it a trifle spartan.

I mean, their being such delicate and refined girls.

Ooh-ooh! Usual place, boys, in five minutes.

The point I'm really trying to make is

that here I can keep full control over them,