Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

I met someone. He's great. I mean really, really great.

Oh!

I can't leave you. I've fallen in love with ya.

I don't want Gaz to come to London with me and I'll have to tell him.

For example, has Janet just come in and told you I know you don't love me

and I'm having an affair with Janet?

Oh!

Oh, no.

Don't wanna ruin the romantic mood with the smell of Jonny's ears.

Cos you're a very special candle.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are, little candle.

Ugh.

Oh! An inscription!

Oh, no, my mistake, just a stray pube.

Corinthian's down... finally - had to sing him to sleep.

Aw, you're so good with him.

- Iron Maiden? - Prodigy.

Bless him, he's so musically advanced for a child his age.

I heard him singing the other day.

- Really? - Mmm.

He must be one of them geniuses.

He's like that composer. The deaf one.

Leppard?

Yeah.

Right, we've just got to wait for the baby-sitter, then we can go out.

- I thought we were staying in tonight. - Why?

Because you said, "Our first night together as a proper couple -

"Ooh, I'm so excited... to be staying in"?

No. I finished it with, "Ooh, I'm so excited to be mainly staying in,

"but nipping to the ASDA, cos we're out of bog roll."

What the hell have I just wiped me arse with?

I've no idea - shall I check the flannels?

No, no, it's all right.

- Why, what did you use? - Nothing. It was a ghost shit.

Ugh, Gaz!

No, it didn't need wiping. Turned round, it was gone.

Like a thief in the night.

The brown pimpernel.

Aw, Gaz. That's so... horrible.

So, come on,

we can rob some bog roll from The Archer.

The Archer?

We're going for our first night out as a proper couple to The Archer?

What's the point of that? Unless...

- # Where... # - There's no karaoke.

Oh, then what's the point?

So people can see us.

Why do you want people to see us? They see us all the time.

But not together, making a statement.

You know, Janet for Gaz, Gaz loves Janet.

Gaz is 100%/ fit.

Lick Gaz's bollocks.

What kind of statement is that?

That last one was a request.

Gaz, you haven't wiped your arse.

Would you eat in a restaurant next to a sewage works?

Men have to do it all the time.

And frankly, Janet, your steak is sometimes a bit undercooked.

Oh! Fine. We'll go out.

I just thought when you said, "Together as a couple," you meant staying in,

watching telly, while Corinthian's asleep.

Oh, yeah, living the dream there, Janet - don't overexcite yourself(!)

Ugh, ugh!

Where do these pubes keep coming from?

They're not ours - they're stout and taste of feta.

It's like kissing a Greek grandmother.

What time's the baby-sitter getting here?

She should be here by now.

Who did you get? Rachel?

God, no. Can't stand her. Got no tits whatsoever.

Corinthian's not used to it.

The poor thing can't help it.

She's got an eating disorder.

And she's a self-harmer. And I think she's a bit of a druggie.

Shit, why do I keep employing her? Am I mad?

No, you just think people deserve a second chance.

Mmm.

And she's like three quid an hour, so...

Who did you get then? Ffiona? Ffiona with two Fs.

What you talking about, two Fs? She's a C cup at most.

No, she spells her name with two Fs.

Fionaf?

- What are you talking about? - No.

F-F-Fiona.

You can take the piss out of anorexic Rachel,

but I draw the line at stuttering.

I myself suffered for a long time with me speech.

Oh, Gaz, really?

Yup. From the ages zero to two, I barely said a word.

Knobhead!

My first word was antidisestablishmentarianism.

- Was it? - Hold on...

No, plop-plop. That was it.

So, who did you get, then? Please don't say my mum.

I hate her seeing me pissed around the baby. She's so judgemental.

No, I got Shirley.

- Who? - Shirley.

You know, Bald Shirley.

Bald Shirley, your ex?

How many Bald Shirleys do you know?

Six, since the power station had that leak.

Yeah, then, that one.

- Your frigging ex, Gaz? - Well, she was hardly me ex!

She was more of a bald woman I shagged for a bet.

I'd heard she'd let you stick it in her ear, so I thought, "Well...

"I've always wanted to get inside a woman's mind."

No. No! There is absolutely no way your ex is looking after my baby.

OUR baby. What were you thinking?!

Well, that I could have a night out with my beautiful girlfriend

and show the world how serious we are about each other.

Oh.

No, no, no. If you don't trust Bald Shirley - single mother of six kids,

Girl Guide leader, home economics teacher -

to look after Corinthian for a few hours, then, no.

- I'll phone her and cancel. - Well, fine. Good.

I will.

What are you waiting for?

Well... Would you let Donna look after Corinthian?

Well, yeah, course I would.

- I did before she moved to that London. - Donna's me ex.

No, that's different. I know Donna.

- And I know Bald Shirley. - OK, fine, but we both know Donna.

Would you let Harriet from the bakery look after him?

Well, that's different.

I don't know this Harriet person.

She doesn't have a description before her name. Who is she to me?

Eh? Happy Harriet? Hairy Harriet?

- Horny Harriet? - Oh.

Halitosis Harriet. She's got a rotten tooth.

Really? Why doesn't she have it pulled out?

It's her only one. Right there at the front.

She's good at opening beans if you can't find a can-opener.

Oh, but you'd let her look after Corinthian?

- Yes, yes, OK, I would, Gaz. Happy? - Not really, no.

But you can see where I'm coming from, right? I mean...

- You know, since Jonny died... - Oh, for God's sake!

What?

Everything you try to get out of or try to avoid talking about, you just say,

- "Oh, since Jonny died..." - I do not!

Yes, you do. "Sorry, officer. Since Jonny died,

"I feel the need to wee outside the post office when I'm pissed."

"Sorry, Louise, since Jonny died, I need to borrow a fiver."

And, "Sorry, Gaz, since Jonny died,

"I must use him, so I can be a frigging martyr for ever and ever, poor me."

Sorry.

I'm sure you are.

No, I mean... it was out of order. Sorry.

It's just... You know, since Jonny died...

Sorry, Gaz.

It really smarts hearing you accuse me of using Jonny like that.

Oh, I was just being a dick.

Honest to God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Aw, old Dickhead Gaz.

Is that what they call me?

No. They don't use "old".

What? Gaz is a very common name, we have to distinguish.

What's yours?

Jugs, naturally.

Yeah, I remember me and Jonny coming up with that one.

Jonny wanted to go with the name...

- What? - It doesn't matter.

No, come on, tell me.

What was it? Jaunty Janet? GI Janet? Jap's eye Janet?

No, it was Jonny's Janet.

Shitter.

- This isn't going to go away, is it? - No, it's not.

Then I agree, shitter.

Look, I think we should talk this through.

We won't have time before Bald Shirley gets here.

Bald Shirley is not looking after Corinthian!

Back to this again! Whoop-de-bastard-do!

Will you call her and cancel?

- We need to talk. - Fine.

Fine, I will.

What are you waiting for?

I don't technically have her phone number.

So how did you ask her to baby-sit?

I found her throwing up outside Bargain Booze last Friday

and I gave her a lift home.

Oh, so she's a drunk too?

She wasn't drunk. She just had some sort of projectile stomach bug.

From both ends.

I had to give her a carrier bag to sit on in the van.

Oh, my God.

The passenger side doesn't exactly smell of roses.

Although you could probably grow roses in what she left on the upholstery.

Gaz, I'VE sat there!

Well, I told you not to wear a skirt!

Back of your legs looked like you had a really bad spray tan.

Oh! Well, she can't look after a baby.

Not with a bug. Corinthian can catch all sorts at his age.

Ain't it better we get his illnesses out the way now,

so his immune system's strong?

Oh, yes, so instead of taking him for his vaccines,

I'll just send him back to 14th-century London

to eat some syphilitic turds?

That's just stupid. Unless you have a time machine.

- Do you have a time machine? - No, Gaz.

If I had, we wouldn't be having this conversation.