BoJack Horseman

I'm sorry I broke your expensive bachelor vase.

Aww.

That's all right. I've learned that when you're in a loving family

there's nothing wrong with a little horsin' around.

Cut!

That's the show, folks.

Now, let's hear it for our amazing cast.

Joelle.

Bradley.

Little Sarah Lynn.

And our star, BoJack Horseman!

Thanks for coming out. Thank you very much.

- -Wow!

Great pilot.

We got the biggest laugh I ever heard with that "gag me with a spoon" joke.

And then we topped it with the "get a room" joke.

This was so fun.

Do we get to make more?

I think we got a real shot.

And as long as the ratings don't dip below a dismal 15 million a night,

we could be on the air for many years.

-No way! -All right!

-Your Squirt, sir. -Thank you.

And if that happens, take care of each other.

No matter what, we're going to stick together.

Thank you, Tina, for those touching grunts and growls.

I'm Henry Winkler.

You probably remember me from my 2002 guest role

on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

-Whoo! -Thank you.

But perhaps the greatest role I've ever played is friend.

Herb was a dear friend

and I am honored to be dedicating this bench in his memory.

In his last days, Herb's cancer had gone into remission.

He was full of hope.

But on the drive home from the hospital, his brakes gave out,

he crashed into a truck full of peanuts.

He survived the crash, but he was allergic to peanuts.

He died instantly.

Let us now read his final tweets.

"I'm gonna live forever!

Hashtag 'cancer free.'

Hashtag 'invincible.'

Hashtag 'tweeting while driving.'

Oh, no, I think I'm gonna hit that truck.

Hashtag 'hopefully it isn't full of peanuts.'

Hashtag 'Oh, no. It was full of peanuts.'"

I was wondering where you wandered off to.

-Oh, shit. Hey. -Hey.

I'm no good with funerals.

When I cry, it messes up my makeup and then I get really bummed out.

Yeah, same for me.

Herb told me you came by the house last summer.

Yeah?

Did he tell you anything else?

No, we talked about cancer, how hard it is living with cancer,

about the L.A. Kings, and then back to cancer.

-Probably-- -Then I read that chapter in your book

about how he never forgave you and he tried to kick you out of the house

and you ended up wrestling on the floor over a telescope.

-Oh, you did read that part? -Yeah.

I just wish there was something I could do.

Okay, I gotta go.

Wait, I haven't seen you in 30 years.

You wanna go grab a cup of vodka? I-- I'm sorry, the funeral.

I mean, a bottle of vodka?

No. You should stick around.

Hey, maybe you'll find that something you're looking for.

But if you're ever in New Mexico, drop me a line.

New Mexico?

I thought you lived in Maine.

I always pictured you there.

A little house by a lake?

I was just there for, like, a month, 30 years ago.

-I live outside Santa Fe now. -Oh.

- Think everyone here read my book? -I didn't.

Of course you didn't.

Here's the CliffsNotes version: Shut up, Todd!

Okay, you're clearly in one of your moods.

I'm gonna go play astronaut in the trunk of your car for the next few hours.

Have fun being sad.

Do you know what you're supposed to do with our date pits?

Why serve dates and not have a place to put the pits?

You know, some people just have no class.

What are you doing here? You didn't know Herb.

No, but I do know a hot ticket, and this funeral's a real whom's-whom.

Henry Winkler, Jake and Maggot Gyllenhaal,

that Pakistani girl who keeps winning Nobel Prizes.

I'm gonna go rub me some elbows.

There's so much to hate about what you just said.

Good news. You know when someone dies, everyone wants to buy their shit?

You're lucky you have a piece of Horsin' Around,

because this is where money starts rolling in.

I don't want that. That's blood money.

Well, what do you want me to do with it? It's coming.

I don't know. Give it to some orphans.

-I can't deal with this. -Oh, come on!

You don't think Elton John was raking it in when Diana died?

More like "Candle in the Windfall." Cha-ching! Hmm...

You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life.

Huh.

Hello, love.

Hey, Joelle, I actually came here to be alone.

I'm at my wit's end, I truly am.

I just flew in across the pond and I don't know which end is up.

This might be a stupid question, but were you always so... British?

Oh, let's get some light in here, it's so dreadfully dreary.

Because I'm, like, 70 percent sure you used to be American.

That's better.

Hey, this one's having a freak-out. She needs to lie down.

I'm not freaking out.

I just don't understand why that lady was being all judgy.

You were touching her face and telling her she was gonna die next.

I'm eccentric. I do weird shit.

How is that my problem?

Hey, when was the last time all four of us were in the same room?

Probably not since the show ended.

Yeah, I left California pretty much right after.

Now I got the biggest hardware store in Seattle.

That's a lie. We're actually in Olympia.

And I'm on the West End playing Juliet's... nurse.

-And how are your kids? -I don't have any kids.

Oh, I just assumed you had a bunch of kids,

'cause, you know, your body.

Come on, Sarah Lynn.

I assumed you weren't still a massive cunt.

-Jesus Christ, Joelle. -That's an okay thing to say in England.

Shove it up your ass with a spoonful of sugar,

you supercalifragilisticexpiali-bitch!

-Guys, hey, hey, come on. -Let go of me!

-I'm gonna hulk out! -Guys, can we just be civil for one day?

-Oh, you're one to talk. -What's that mean?

Were you being civil when you had sex with my mom?

What? I never-- Why would--? Wait, which one was your mom? Blond hair? Glasses?

-No. -This sucks. You guys suck.

I don't even know why I came to this party.

It's not a party, it's Herb's funeral.

Herb died?

You know, maybe it's for the best we don't get together that often.

We'd most likely drive each other mad.

Well, no one knows how to get under your skin like family.

We're not a family, BoJack.

We probably won't even see each other again, until the next funeral.

-Why are you all looking at me? -You are the oldest.

You are a severe alcoholic.

I'm honestly so high right now, I don't even know where I'm looking.

Anyway, so long, thanks for the memories,

and don't forget to suck a dick, dumbshi--

Pardon me. Is one of you Sarah Lynn?

I am. Of course. God, are you blind?

Yes.

Well, forgive me.

I'm Herb Kazzaz's blind executor.

Per the instructions of his last will and testament, I am to give you this disk.

Am I close?

Just take the disk from the guy.

It contains directions to Herb's gold.

Herb's gold?

There were no further details.

He was a peculiar client.

I told him, I'm not actually an attorney,

I'm just a blind man.

Still, Herb thought me wise for some reason.

Perhaps it is my overly formal manner of speech.

I bid you good day.

Oh, pardon me. Ow!

Right at shin level.

What are we supposed to do with a floppy disk?

Hmm...

So, what's up, kiddo?

BoJack and my mom are becoming, like, friends

and they're acting real weird.

Oof! Uh...

Hey, guys, guys, come on!

There's somebody beneath you!

Jeez, all day with the...

Listen, kiddo, forget about them.

You wanna check out this cool new game I got?

You have solitaire? On your computer?

Yep. It only took 12 disks to install it.

Wow!

Herb's computer had a floppy disk drive.

I bet it's still in his old office. Unless somebody else moved in.

Nobody wanted Herb's office, remember?

Because it was under tap dancing star Savion Glover's office. Let's go.

-What? Right now? -Yeah. Don't you get it?

Herb's giving us a reunion special.

Remember how he always wanted to do a treasure hunt episode of Horsin' Around

but the network said it was too edgy? This is that episode.

-I just don't know. -Yeah, I don't want to do that.

Wait, so you'd rather just stay at this funeral and be sad,

instead of going on a crazy adventure to find our dead friend's secret treasure?

Do you have any idea how insane you sound?

Oh, I get it. You just don't wanna be here.

No, that's not it.

Herb clearly wanted us to do this, as a family.

Who cares what he wanted?

He doesn't, because he's dead.

And we all know he hated your guts.

Yeah. He was my best friend and he died hating me