The New Adventures of Old Christine

- WHY SHOULD YOU CALL US AFTER AN ACCIDENT?

- BECAUSE THERE'S TOO MUCH AT STAKE TO FIGHT ALONE.

YOU FOCUS ON GETTING BETTER.

Okay, this is going to be a little cold.

I'm going to put some jelly on your belly.

Richard, we talked about this. Sorry.

Wait, wait! What'd I miss?

Dr. Volk was just about to put some jelly on the belly.

You know, it's okay if you want to wait outside.

This is for family only.

Oh, I'm family.

I was married to him and we have a kid,

so technically I'm the baby's...

stepmom once-divorced.

Twice-divorced.

Twice-divorced

Okay, well, what we're going to be looking for...

Wait, wait, wait. We're here. And you are?

Oh, I'm the brother of the father's first ex-wife.

And that's my dad.

So I'm the baby's half-brother.

Okay, do you guys mind if we get started?

If we wait any longer, we can meet the baby in person.

Let's do it.

All right. Wait, wait!

Don't start! What'd I miss?

Did they already put the jelly on the belly?

I'm just going to assume

that you're a part of this oddly-exteed family,

since you share the same sophisticated sense of humor.

I'm practically the most related.

I'm his wife.

Wait. What?

Then who are you?

His ex-fiancée.

But he was once married to you?

Yeah, so was she.

Twice-divorced.

Okay.

So, we have the ex-fiancée, the ex-wife,

the ex-wife of the ex-wife,

who is the father's current wife,

brother, half-son.

Can we start or are we waiting for the incestuous uncle?

Oh, Uncle Don's coming?

No, he's not. We're good.

All right, there is the sac.

Oh, a boy! Thank God.

I was going to pretend I'd be happy if it was a girl.

The egg sac.

I'd be fine if it was a girl.

And that right there is your baby.

My baby. Our baby.

: My baby!

Wasn't that amazing?

Seeing that sonogram of that baby.

Looking into the face of that perfect little person.

How'd you get "person" from tt?

Looked like something my grandfather hocked up.

Hey, hey! You're talking about our baby.

You know it's not your baby, right?

Yeah, of course.

I'm just the half-mother.

Hmm.

How do you figure?

Well, I was married to Richard

and I'm the mother of his first child.

When the baby's born,

it'll be the half-sibling of my full son,

making me the half-mother.

Half-witted mother.

Yeah, you can make all the jokeyou want,

but I was moved.

You know, we're really a family.

We're making it work.

And now, we're having a baby.

And frankly, I'm relieved, you know?

'Cause it takes the pressure off of me

having another kid right now.

I think that pressure you're feeling is menopause.

Shut up! Okay?

I was moved.

And to show how supportive I am of New Christine,

I'm going to give her Ritchie's old bassinet

and some of his clothes.

And my breast pump from up in the attic.

Oh, God. Thas a breast pump?

I thought that was a bong.

Oh, I gotta... I gotta go scrape my tongue.

Wow, I thought you didn't like New Christine.

Well, now that she's having my baby,

I feel a little different.

Yeah, now that I've smoked your breast milk,

I feel a little different, too.

Hi, New Christine.

Hi, Old Christine.

New Christine, I want you to know how grateful I am

that you let me be a part of yousonogram this morning.

Of course, you're family.

And not just because you were intimate with my dad.

Thank you.

And I have a gift for you.

From me to you.

From one mother to another mother.

Oh, it's beautiful!

What is it? A dog bed?

No, no, it's Ritchie's old bassinet.

I wanted to give it to the new baby.

From me to you.

From the original

: to the sequel.

I don't know what to say.

It's such a big gesture.

It's a huge gesture.

I love this bassinet.

Ritchie spent the first three years of his life in here.

I've got

other stuff for you, too.

As soon as I get the seeds out of it,

my breast pump is all yours.

You had seeds in your breasts?

Does that happen?

Oh, no, no, no, but get ready to watch your nipples

expand to the size of flapjacks.

Are you sure you're ready to give it up?

Well, it's going to be hard.

It's the last remnant I have of my baby boy.

I mean, you know, except for my baby boy.

Maybe you should keep it.

No, no, no. I want you to have it.

From me to you.

From my empty uterus to your full uterus.

Take it, New Christine.

Thank you, Old Christine.

Yeah, yeah, you ca take it from me.

Well, I'm trying.

Well, just yank it.

Just rip it away.

You're holding on really tight.

Just take it, okay?

I want you to have it.

Well, then, let it go.

I can't. Okay?

You're going to have to knock me out or something

and then... pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

Thank you for your generous gift.

You're welcome.

Enjoy it.

Okay, now I see it.

That's amazing.

Looks just like Richard'face.

I think that's the baby's butt,

but I definitely see what you're saying.

Hey, how'd it go?

Well, I'm not going to lie, Barb.

It was a huge gesture.

Well, we are proud of you.

I know being generous doesn't come easy for you.

Thank you, Matthew.

I'm proud of myself, too.

To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure I could do it.

I was.

I know deep down you're a good person.

Yeah, me, too. You just have to have

as much faith in yourself as other people have in you.

Yeah.

I gotta get it back.

I knew she couldn't do it.

Yeah, I had no faith in her, either.

Hi.

I know I just made a huge gesture

by giving you Ritchie's bassinet,

but it turns out I'm not really ready to give it up,

so I'd like to have it back,

but I'd still like to have credit

for making the huge gesture.

Oh.

But don't worry.

I got you a brand-new bassinet.

And it's top-of-the-line.

Well, it's middle-of-the-line.

Well, it's cpletely safe.

Well...

I appreciate it, but I can't give you back the bassinet.

Why not? It's mine.

It was yours, and then you gave it tme.

Oh, you can't have possibly gotten so attached to it

in the last two hours that you can't give it back.

I went a different way.

I threw it out.

What?

You better be kidding me.

Oh, Christine, I'm sorry.

It was so nice of you.

And maybe you couldn't tell at your house,

but at my house it really smelled.

And I tried to clean it,

but the paint came off on the rag.

And then I was walking it past the fireplace

and it caught on fire.