Fun Mom Dinner

You are not just a mom.

You are a hot, hot, single lady.

Oh, God. - Mom!

Just a second, sweetie!

You are a well-educated... female person...

with a very big...

set of tits.

- Mommy! - Fuck me. Coming!

- All right, Momma's bringing in the big board. Let's do this.

Gracie, do you have your show-and-tell, honey?

Yes, you do. Good girl!

Will, buddy, helmet and pads?

Are those boys still giving you a hard time at practice?

Okay, well, screw football.

How about glee club, huh? Show tunes!

- Mommy, can we listen to singing music on the way to school?

- No, honey, I like to listen to news in the morning.

- Can I play on your phone? - Nope.

Amelia!

You know we don't do screams before school.

He took his diaper off! Poop!

' Oh! Fuck! - Poop!

- Good afternoon, Jen. Gorgeous day we're having, huh?

Got that sun dialled up to a 10.

- It is. It's so bright out, do you really need that flashlight?

- I probably wouldn't have seen Greyson pick his nose and wipe it

on the back of your seat without it, huh? Don't worry. They all do it.

I got you. - Oh.

- Hey! - Shit!

- Owen is begging for a play date with the boys. You gotta come over.

- Oh! Oh, hey, uh, this is the call I'm expecting.

Silent. It's on silent.

Hey, Sally.

- Whoa, uh... - Orange cones, no phones.

I was buying milk. I'm out of milk.

- Well, there's a Trader Joe's right around the corner.

- Yeah, well, I don't do markets, okay?

So please just give me my phone, Melissa.

Uh, uh, Melody.

I mean... - It's Melanie, Kate.

God, we've been going to the same school for five years?

Just give me my phone, please, Melanie.

Hey, what the...?

- Are those car seats even installed properly?

And does this beauty even have anti-lock brakes?

Yes. Obviously it does.

And power windows.

Seriously?

- We had a big day and then Teacher Sherry

witnessed Amelia offering her spot on the green rug.

The empathy that displays, Amelia, it's... it's profound.

Come on, you two get in here.

You both are settling in beautifully to your first month at school. Aren't you?

- Yeah. - Bit of a relief. Right?

- Yes. All right, bug, come on. Let's go get our stuff, huh?

- Have an amazing day. So great to see you. - Thank you. You too.

- Yay! Okay, hold still. - Oh, that's one cute cubby.

Rose-budding really takes it to the next level.

Rose-budding!

Ooh, that'll get a lot of likes, right?

Now I get the iPad, Mommy?

As soon as we get in the car, sweetie, okay?

As soon as we get in the car. And don't forget,

you get to sleep at your daddy's house tonight,

and Mommy gets some alone time.

Can't even remember what that's like.

- Hey, I know this is kind of last minute, but Melanie - you know, Grace's mom? -

she and I are going out tomorrow night.

I got us a reservation in this new tapas place.

Would you wanna join? - Uh, topless?

- Yeah, topless place. I thought, you know, sexy dancers, little appetizers.

No. Tapas. - Oh, my God!

- Tapas. - Tapas!

Yeah, no, tapas. Wow, yeah, that would be really nice. Thank you.

- Yeah, we like to do these fun mom dinners every couple of weeks.

Lots of wine, no kids. It's kind of heaven.

- Yeah, sounds like it. - Hi, ladies.

- Hey, Mel, guess what. Emily is gonna join us for dinner tomorrow night.

- Oh, fantastic. - Ls that okay?

- Yeah, it's great. I love welcoming new moms to the Happy Days community.

I can't wait to hear your story, Emily.

Um, would it be okay if I invited Kate?

- Kate with the twin boys? - Yeah.

Wait. Are you friends with her?

Yeah, yeah, we went to high school together.

That's how I got Amelia in here so last minute when we moved.

- Kate doesn't usually do stuff with us other moms,

or even return my emails, but I know she got it, 'cause I have that sent-return thing.

But since you guys are so close, if you wanna invite her,

I mean, that's fine, she could come with us, yeah.

- That'd be wonderful. - Okay, no, I'll mention it to her later.

That sounds great. Thank you, guys.

Gotta go. Bye. Thank you. - Bye.

- I like your skirt. It's so pretty. - Oh, thanks.

- I bet my left tit that bitch Kate doesn't come.

Hello, gorgeous.

Shut up!

- Mom!! - He took it!

I'm in the playoff!

Where are you?!

Where are you?!

Whoa, whoa!

One at a time, dudes, one at a time.

- Make them shut up, okay? I'm in the playoffs!

- The twins knocked over my Legos and I have to poop.

Oh, get in there, go. Get in there, go.

- He took my sabre! - Because it's mine!

Okay-

There you go. Downstairs.

Have fun.

Daddy's calling you.

Hey. Sorry I couldn't talk to you at pick-up.

I can't take hanging around that place.

- Oh, guess who got a poop facial and taught our kid how to say the F word?

- Oh, wait, you had shit on your face and you're worried

your kid learned the word fuck? - You don't understand.

I never swear in front of them, is the thing.

- Shit, I'd be more worried about pink eye. - How is it possible that this kid

still has the S-H-I-T-S?

- Well, now you know what you're really missing out on

when you're pulling those 12-hour workdays.

- It's incredible to me that my life still revolves

around other people's S-H-I-T. I can't believe it.

Oh, I can.

You're good at this.

Do it again? - Okay.

I love it, Emily.

You look beautiful. - Oh, really?

I feel like you've never seen me with my hair brushed.

- Hey, I'm home. Hey... - Hey.

- Daddy's home! - Oh, Amelia Bedelia!

How you doing? Oh, my goodness.

Oh, gosh, are we busy making some drawings here?

What the...?

Wow, honey, this is, um...

this is an interesting one.

Wh-what exactly is going on here?

- It's a whale spraying Mommy. - Um...

I... I guess I didn't know Mommy was into that sort of thing,

but, uh, okay.

All right.

- Oh, sorry. - Sorry.

Okay, I'm gonna, uh... I'll just get changed and...

- He's got this thing about messing up my lipstick.

- Is this, like, Top Chef or something? Are we gonna be judged on our work? Thank you.

No, it's a delivery thing, man.

It's a startup, which I should've invested in.

It's all local and organic and sustainable.

And they just drop it off for you.

- What drops it off, an electric tractor being pulled by a rescue dog?

Thanks, Kate.

- This is literally farm to table, you guys.

Farm to table.

- Straight from the farm. - Straight to the table.

- To the... - Right to the table. Are you kidding me?

- There's no middleman. - Oh, my God.

Well, thank you so much for having us over

so we could make our own dinner. This is great.

- Kate, I think it's awesome, I think it's super creative, and I like it.

- Thanks, Em. - Don't cut yourself, now.

- All right. Let's do this. Okay? - Okay. Yeah.

Right. Do you wanna do the... chop up the veggies?

What's up with the sauce?

- Just a little... - Oh, no, no, no, hold on.

Throw the veggies in first and then the sauce goes...

- I think it'll just... - No, no. It's like this for a reason.

You know, sometimes, recipes are in a specific order for a reason.

It's gonna screw the whole thing up if... - Ahem.

- It cooks together... Okay, it's fine. - Did you guys...

Do you have any of that yellow sauce leftover?

- Mm-hmm, yep. - Kind of wasted all of ours.

Um...

Yeah, I think, uh, this move's gonna be great for us.

- Yeah. - And great for us, Em.

We get to hang like the old times, just the girls.

- Speaking of just the girls, a couple of the moms from school

asked me out for a fun mom dinner.

- That sounds awful. - Hey, it's a fun mom dinner.

How can it not be, you know, fun?

- Shut the fuck up, hon. Which ones were they?

One of them was named Jamie.

- I know her. I mean, I don't "know" know her.

I follow her on Instagram.

She's a bit of an over-sharer.

- Seriously, Andrew? Jesus, I mean, some wives would be pissed about this.

I think I'm just embarrassed for you. Here. - Whoa.

#sharedcustody?

# metime?

Fuck, if it's me time, why feel the need to share it with us?

Who's the other mom? - Melanie.