Shifting Gears

Hey, why don't we put our little screens down

and look at the big screen as a family?

Did you just text me, "Pass"?

It's got two S's in it.

Sorry, I need to take Lily on an early Valentine's date.

Hey, you know, I was thinking of getting her something small.

Can I borrow $1,100?

How about we order in and watch The Notebook ?

That movie has everything.

Ryan Gosling,

Ryan Gosling in the rain, Ryan Gosling without a shirt.

Sure. And while we're doing it, we could do each other's nails

and I'll braid your hair.

- -Oh, I'd stay for that.

You know how expensive it is to get other people to do those things?

-Hey. - Hey, Andy.

Got a quick question for you.

What are your thoughts about the movie The Notebook ?

Oh. Well, I was really moved

to grab the remote and switch to football.

All right, a change of plans. You guys all take off, he stays here.

-Let's go. -

- -It's open.

Unless you're Jehovah's Witness, then, uh, hail Satan.

Why do all the bad guys always start with "hail"?

No one ever says, "Hail Mr. Rogers."

Uh, Amelie wanted to borrow our punch bowl for your birthday party.

Amelie's not here. Sixers are on, down four, 20 seconds to go.

It's cute how you think us being quiet

affects the concentration of the players on TV.

All I want for my birthday is a Sixers win

-and a hug from your dad. -

Good luck. The only time he ever hugged me was when I was choking on a grape.

He used to make me watch Sixers games when we were kids.

Oh, yeah. Your brother and I loved Allen Iverson.

He had such a cool nickname: The Answer.

Then Coach Jenkins named me The Question.

My nickname in high school was The Pregnant.

-Oh, my God. He made it. They're down two. -Let's go.

-Three seconds. There's no way. -No, Maxey stole the ball.

-Shoot, shoot, shoot. -Half-courter.

-It's in! It's in! It's in! -They won! They won!

It's in! Oh, my God!

Unbelievable. What a moment. -

-Uh, sorry, that was… -Incidental contact, not a foul.

Definitely not.

I should go.

Well, you live here, so I should go.

Uh, here's the punch bowl for punch, or anything, really.

Milk, horchata.

Heck, go wild and put spaghetti in it.

Don't let the name stop you from dreaming. Okay, bye.

It was you, Gosling, all along.

Man, you had me fooled. That was kinda cute. I like that a lot.

-Hey, Grandpa. -Oh, hey. How you doing? Look at that.

I think that's a… It's a national badminton championship.

What's up?

Matt Parker. Strong, dependable.

Likes: red meat. Dislikes: how much time do you have?

Is that my obituary?

'Cause remember, I want my ashes spread over Jane Fonda's house.

I wanna kill all those hippie plants she's got out front.

No. I made you a dating profile on Trad Swipe.

It's a site for people with traditional values

who aren't interested in the uggos they go to church with.

Uh, listen…

…you have no right to go into my private settings like that, you know?

Privacy is the last sacred thing we have in the country.

Isn't that right, China?

Ever since you broke up with Eve, all you do is work,

come home, and complain about how no one wants to work anymore,

then go to work again.

Look, I'm not gonna get on a dating site.

Oh, I get it. You're scared.

I'm not scared.

The only thing that scares me is parking at Trader Joe's.

No, it's fine. I'll just change your political affiliation to "coward."

Wow. Well, I'll change your bedtime to right now.

Quick question, how do you spell…

Let me see what you got.

Look at that woman. And she's really pretty.

Boy, that woman knows how to hold a trout.

Check this out. "Commie liberals, swipe down."

And look at that, it won't even let you swipe left.

-I like it. -Mm-hmm.

Hey, Riley. What you getting Gabe for his birthday?

An Iverson jersey… …but it might send the wrong message.

Like, when you wanna send a pic of your dog to a group chat,

but you accidentally send your right boob.

Right boob, right message.

Can you keep a secret?

Yes. Ask Kevin over at Quiznos.

He's cheating on his taxes, his wife, and ironically, with his accountant.

Gabe and I had a moment… …watching the Sixers game.

We, uh, almost kissed.

So you feel like giving him the jersey would be like saying,

"Remember that time something almost happened?"

Well, you know I've always had feelings for him,

but now I'm with Andy,

who's like Bridgerton meets Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid , and Gabe's got--

- Hey, guys. - Amelie!

Gabe's girlfriend, who he loves, and we love, everybody loves.

What should I get Gabe for his birthday?

I don't understand his wish list.

"Boba Fett." Is that a smoothie?

And where am I gonna find a falcon?

I got a falcon guy. Barry.

Well, I don't want to just pick something off of a list, you know?

I want to give him something that says, "I see you, I know you.

I smell you."

You are crazy.

-He's a lucky man. -

Um, I have a 76ers jersey you could give Gabe.

You don't wanna give it to him?

No, you should.

-Really? - Mm-hmm.

You're such a good one.

I can't believe I used to see you as a threat.

-Oh! -Oh.

-We almost kissed. -Yes.

Well, a good reminder that can happen by accident to anyone.

Mmm.

So, then, what do you do?

I took an early retirement, but I used to work in an office.

So do you do a lot of online dating?

No. If I wanna be catfished,

-I'd-I'd do it from a boat. -Oh.

-You fish? -Oh, I tried it once.

I just posted that pic so I could land a catch.

Looks like I reeled in a big one.

I'm not that much of a catch, really.

Although I do wear the same size jeans

-as I did in high school. -Oh.

-So, uh, do you want to get a bottle? -Yeah.

How about tequila?

-Obviously, I was joking. - Oh.

Unless you want tequila.

I was thinking wine.

As long as it's from the land of the free and the home of the brave.

So no California wine at this table.

Yeah.

Yeah, I call it Commiefornia.

- -

- -

-Happy birthday, Gabe. -

It's whiskey.

-What every guy gets another guy. - Mmm.

-Come on in. - All right.

-How you doing? -Uh, good.

Why wouldn't I be good?

-You should be good. -I am good.

Good. Drinks?

Drinks. Yeah.

Here you go. It's a red blend,

which means it's from three almost empty bottles of red wine.

-Ooh. Chaberlot, my favorite. -

I'm gonna give you my gift now, Gabe.

-No way. Come on. -

Allen Iverson is my favorite player.

I went as him for Halloween, head to toe.

Not that part.

In hindsight, the cornrows were iffy.

Hey, don't worry about it.

I dressed up as a white man for Halloween one year.

I spent the whole night failing upward.

Amelie, this is amazing. How did you know?

I know you, babe.

Yay! Amelie, you nailed it.

So you don't care for Ellen.

- -What about music? I like country.

I'm not a big country fan,

especially Russia and Canada.

-Yeah, country music is not good. - Yeah.

I'm glad Kenny Rogers is dead.

Well, he was a pretty nice man.

You're so right. He was an angel, and that's why he's in heaven.

Listen,

we don't have to agree on everything, right?

- We don't. I agree. -Okay.

This is what I mean. I mean, I don't have to be right about everything.

I usually am, but I don't have to be.

-Um… …do you read? -Yeah. Mostly the classics.

I'm listening to Arnold Schwarzenegger read Wuthering Heights .

Interesting.

"Heathcliff, do it. Come over here now.

Get to the chopper. I'll be back. Do it, do it."

I don't know what any of that meant.

Well, you know what, you're wonderful.

But any relationship is like the Middle East.

Without a little conflict, there's nothing to talk about.

Shoot, I'm sorry.

-I thought I found my prince. - Mmm.

A real one this time, not the Nigerian one I gave half my retirement to.

Well, I'm sure Mr. Right is out there. I can feel it for you.

Aw. You are sweet.

So, just to be clear,

is sex off the table?

Ooh.

Or maybe it's on the table. I'm very agreeable.

Oh, crap. It's time for the babysitter to go.