To Die For

Here's what I found out.

That all of life is a learning experience.

Everything is part of a big master plan.

But sometimes it's... Well, it's hard to read.

I mean, it's like if you get too close to the screen,

all you can see is a bunch of little dots.

You don't see the big picture until you stand back.

But when you do,

everything comes into focus.

Hi. My name is Suzanne Maretto.

No, wait. I'm sorry.

Suzanne Maretto is my married name.

My own name

is Suzanne Stone.

That's my professional name.

Suzanne Stone.

It's not like I have any negative feelings about the name Maretto.

Maretto is the name, after all,

of my husband,

who I loved very, very much.

Um... Heh.

Sorry.

It's also the name of his parents, Joe and Angela Maretto,

and of his lovely and talented sister, Janice Maretto,

who have been like a second family to me

and who I regard as I do my own family,

particularly since my recent tragedy.

And who, just through knowing and being related to them,

have given me what I think is a very valuable insight

into the different kinds of ethnic relationships

that are part of the very things that I've been trying to explore

as a member of the professional media.

First impressions in one word? You really want to know?

Wet.

Four letters, begins with "C."

Larry, it's a girl.

You've never seen one of them, huh?

Cold.

Cold. C-O-L-D. Cold.

Yeah.

What did you think of Suzanne when you met her?

I just didn't get the Suzanne thing.

I mean, all the girls around town thought Larry was really cute.

I mean, they all used to hang out at the restaurant on the nights

when my dad would let Larry and his dopey rock band play there.

Just, uh, you know?

Laura Risley, I remember. She really...

Peggy Holden. I mean, she's kind of a slut.

But, I mean, he could've had anybody, basically, is what I'm saying.

But I don't know. Suzanne, blond.

I don't know.

[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING]

Well, yeah, sure, I could've said some things.

Well, to tell you the truth, I did say some things.

Yeah, it's my brother.

But in a very subtle way.

Larry, what do you think of Angela Raguzzo?

She's all right. She's hot.

Why?

She wants you to ask her out.

Look, sis, don't try and fix me up with people. It's embarrassing.

All right.

What do you think of Dana Defalco?

You want me to go out with a girl whose father's in the mob?

Who says he's in the mob? Everybody.

Everybody. So? Don't you want a little excitement?

I got all the excitement I can take. Oh, with who? The ice maiden?

You don't know what you're talking about.

I don't? No.

Okay.

Inform me.

Well, it's none of your business.

But, Suzanne, she looks, you know, very fragile and delicate, right?

Mm-hm.

But when we're... When we're...

I mean, when I'm...

Look, I don't even know why I'm telling you this. Details are too graphic.

But let me just tell you, she's like...

She's like a volcano.

You mean, people come from miles around

just to watch her explode? Heh-heh-heh.

Is that it? Very funny.

Like Mount St. Helens? Very funny. Ha-ha-ha!

Man, when he says to me...

I'm gonna marry her.

Wait a minute. You what?

"You what?" I said. And then he says...

I'm telling you, sis, she's it.

She's the golden girl of my dreams. Oh, God.

And I did one of these:

Which I regretted right away, because, you know, he looked at me

with that kind of doggy look that guys get.

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

She can't even bowl.

Yes. Yes.

Let me tell you something, all right? Yeah.

She's like... She's like, uh, a delicate china doll.

Larry, you ever try kissing a doll? You know, they don't kiss back.

She's like one of those porcelain figurines that Mom collects.

She is so pure and delicate

and innocent.

You just have to look at her, and you wanna take care of her

for the rest of your life.

Yeah, I can see that.

So...

Anyway, so when she, Suzanne, says to me...

If you're actively seeking a career in the professional ice skating field...

In the spotlight, so to speak.

- I think you have to maximize your positive features.

Mm. Sure. So, what I'm saying

is that a qualified plastic surgeon

could just snip away those little beauty spots or facial blemishes,

whatever you call them. You'd see how much better you'd feel.

You know, commenting about my face and stuff. I, you know...?

I knew where she was going, Miss Fixer-Upper.

I believe that Mr. Gorbachev...

You know, the man who ran Russia for so long?

I believe he would be in power today if he'd done what people suggested

and had that big purple thing taken off his forehead.

I firmly believe that.

I hope to interview him. We'll discuss that

along with other more pertinent international things, you know?

I'm telling you, sis, she's gonna be the next Barbara Walters.

Oh, is that right?

Well, Barbara does have many admirable qualities.

A wide range of knowledge of current events,

and a sympathy for people's feelings,

which is a trait so many people have who are of the Jewish persuasion.

Isn't she something else?

So, yeah, that was it.

I mean, a done deal, finito.

He was a goner.

The point is that, for instance,

Connie Chung, who is married, I believe,

to Maury Povich, the well-known interviewer, doesn't say,

"Hello, this is Connie Povich with the news." Now, does she?

And I don't think she would be embarrassed by it,

because she's already pretty ethnic when you think about it.

Or to take another example,

someone who doesn't have an ethnic bone in her body.

There's Jane Pauley,

who I strongly relate to

because, you know, we have similar physical traits.

Although I don't have to struggle with the weight problem like she does.

And she also, to the best of my knowledge,

has never identified herself, audience-wise,

as Jane Trudeau,

even though her husband, Mr. Trudeau,

is a prominent cartoonist of some kind,

and not, as so many people believe, the ex-president of Canada.

So, what I'm saying is this:

There are some people who never know who they are

or who they wanna be until it's too late,

and that is a real tragedy in my book,

because I always knew who I was and who I wanted to be.

Always.

Okay. Who wants to be on TV? There she is.

Oh, look at who's looking at herself.

Just look at that. Suzanne, look there.

Look there. Come here. Look at the camera.

See? Look at what a darling.

Oh, sweetheart.

Can't you get it focused better than that?

And we're back with the families of Suzanne and Larry Maretto.

Mr. Stone.

Mr. Stone?

At first, I have to admit we...

We didn't think too much of it, the relationship.

I mean, here was our daughter, a college graduate.

Junior college, yes, but with good grades and a degree in...

Electronic journalism.

Exactly.

And here was this young man,

a good boy, obviously,

but, still, a boy whose education was...

limited to high school.

And I remember saying to her, "Honey..."

I'm worried that you don't know what you're getting into with this kid.

Dad, I'm not a little girl anymore. I know that, sweetheart.

All I'm saying is that we come from pretty different backgrounds.

"For all you know, his family could be mixed up with the Mafia or something."

I'm sorry, Joe. No problem, Earl.

I was just being... No, no. No. I understand.

Oh, I understand. Please.

Of course, she just laughed at me.

Dad, don't worry. Well, I have to worry.

That's what dads do.

If you ask me, I'd say that Larry appealed to a side of her

that you wouldn't ordinarily know was there.

It was a kind of a... What? Uh...

A wild side.

Well, not wild, but, uh...

Wild.