King of the Hill

- Oh. I'm cold. -(crickets creaking)

Why don't we just buy the worms at a bait shop?

Bait shop worms are factory-farm worms.

They keep them in little cages their whole lives.

They never get to run around free.

It's sad, really,

- and the fish know the difference. -(crickets chirping)

Why don't you just buy the fish?

Bobby, you're missing the point.

We don't fish for the fish.

90% of what I like about this sport,

and it is a sport,

is sitting in the boat for five hours doing nothing.

And the icing on the cake is when God smiles on you,

and you hook one.

And then, when you're reeling it in, everything else falls away.

You don't think about taxes or traffic

or that pushy gal that's trying to get into the citadel

or who's going to take care of you

when your mother and I are old and incapacitated.

All there is is a man, a rod,

a lake and a fish and it all starts

with a hand-dug American worm.

Uh, Dad, who is going to take care of me?

-(engine cranking) - What the heck?

Somebody's trying to steal my truck.

Hey! Hey, get out of there!

Hey! Let me go, man!

You ain't going nowhere.

I'm placing you under citizen's arrest.

You can't do that.

The heck I can't!

The heck he can't.

Language, Bobby.

As an American citizen,

I have the authority to detain you

until an officer of the peace arrives.

I also have the authority to kick your arse,

which is something that your father obviously forgot to do.

Billy Ray walters, you've entered a plea of guilty.

Have your rights been explained to you?

Rights? This better not be one of them Carter-appointee judges.

No, that's Judge Roland McFarland.

He was in the paper for his creative sentencing.

Oh, great.

Before I sentence you, I want to express the court's appreciation to Mr. Hank Hill.

Oh! Quiet, Peggy.

Who apprehended you at great risk to his own person.

-(sighs) - Hank's lucky he didn't get killed.

I hope they lock that thief up and throw away the key.

That thief is my boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

Okay, hot wire, here's what we'll do,

you like trucks so much?

For the next three months, I'm sentencing you to live in a truck.

- What the? - If I send you to prison,

they'll just teach you how to be a better truck thief.

So you're going to spend the next 90 days in a pickup, an import.

-(all gasp) -(thumps)

Finally, a judge with some common sense.

Uh, Hill?

Yeah, Hank Hill.

You were holding my truck for evidence.

Here's a picture of her, if it'll help.

Oh, yes. Here it is.

Space g-26.

What the?

Oh!

Oh, my God. What did you do to my truck?

Let's see, the thief was inside your vehicle

so, under the law, we had to check for drugs.

He was in my front seat.

He didn't hide any drugs in my spark plugs.

Well, we know that now, Mr. Hill.

HANK (sighs): If I don't get out on the lake,

my head is going to pop a gasket.

Honey, please. Calm down.

Now, if you have a stroke, who will help me take care of Bobby?

-(cabinet door opens) - Uncle Hank, I got the '92

Ford truck schematic,

and I've lined up all the parts.

Dad, what're you looking for? Are you looking for chicken?

It's right here, chicken.

I'm looking for my dang fishing shears.

Hank, relax.

Here. Nancy gave me some ginseng tea.

She got it from John Redcorn...

Ginseng? I don't need to get all hopped up on dope.

I get stressed out at the beauty school sometimes,

you know, with all the combing and politics,

and I just do yoga.

I can put my feet up behind my head. Want me to show you?

Uh, no! Keep your legs below your waist for goodness sakes.

Look, all I need to do is get out on the lake and fish.

-(thumps) -(grunts)

-(water splashes) -(birds chirping)

Ah... Listen to that silence.

You ever hear anything so quiet?

Hey, Boomhauer

Trade you one of my garlic-scented lures for one of your electric ones.

Why don't you guys call that stuff by its real name,

cheater bait.

You and your worms are fishing in the past, Hank,

in the days of black- and-white televisions

- and a democratically elected congress. -(whirs)

Got one, man. Whew!

It's a big, old, man... Look at them there, that teeth on them.

- It's like a dang old taco grande, man. -(whirring)

- With them dang old... Whew! -(water plops)

Dang, Boomhauer, she's a beauty.

- Say, cheese to meet you. -(camera whirs)

Okay, catch and release.

Time to throw her back.

All right, fella. There you go.

Tell your friends.

Plenty more where that came from.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, check it out.

Hank calls it cheater bait, but I call it scrum-dilly-garlic-icious.

Ow! Ingrate.

Hey, Hank, maybe you should be taking the pictures.

- Give you something to do. -(thumps)

Hey, you guys may be catching fish, but I'm the only one fishing--

God's way, with a worm.

You know what I just realized?

Hank hasn't caught a fish.

You looking to go for a swim, Bill?

No. You know what else I just realized?

This is the first time any of us has caught more fish than Hank.

Come on, Bill.

- Don't rub his nose in it. -(thumps)

-(whirs) - Whoa! Wingo, man!

I am the greatest!

-(footsteps) -(birds chirping)

- So, -(thuds)

We're all meeting at the pharmacy to get aloe vera for Bill's back?

Uh, maybe I'll meet you guys later.

I'm going down to the bait shop, buy some new, uh... hooks.

-(light music) -(car approaches)

- Dang, Ray. -(door closes)

What happened?

Did I miss one of your Ray's gone trout of his mind sales?

I'm going trout of business, Hank.

I can't compete with the Mega-Lo Mart.

I hate that Mega-Lo Mart.

People go there to save a nickel

end up putting half of Arlen out of business.

- Uh-huh. Anyway, what brings you in? -(liquid trickles)

- New rod? New reel? What? -(thumps)

Actually, I was, uh,

thinking of trying one of them scented lures.

- Maybe vanilla. -(rustles)

You giving up the worm, Hank?

- She let me down, Ray. -(rustling)

I reeled in empty today.

Well, how 'bout some, uh, fluorescent salmon eggs

or some marshmallow bait, or some blood dough balls?

I tried those before. They don't beat the worm.

Hey, I know. You ever hear of a guy named Jack?

I went to high school with a fella named...

No, no, no, this guy never went to school.

He grew up in the hills,

- but he wrote the book n homemade bait. -(liquid trickling)

It's just a bunch of scribbles 'cause he never went to school.

Hmm. Where's his shop? Oh, he don't have a shop, Hank.

He sells his stuff out of his truck

- corner of sixth and woodmont. -(door opens)

Well, thanks, Ray.

I'll come by tomorrow

and pick up your propane tank.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. W-why-why don't you call first?

-(door closes) -(rustles)

-(engine starts) -(tires screech)

Hey, G, what do ya want? What do ya need? Lookin' to buy?

- Uh, gee. -(chuckles)

I am looking to buy.

Uh. are you Jack?