Sleeping with Other People

Matthew!

Hey!

Where are you?

Matthew! Hello!

Stupid, dumb shithead!

God!

Matthew, are you gonna fuck me, or what?

On it like a bonnet. On it like a bonnet. On it like a bonnet.

- Alright, fight club, what the hell is going on here? - I'm a guest!

Unless someone signed you into the building. You are not a guest.

- Alright? Please. - Aw, man! I miss my friend.

- Don't take that tack with me. - My friend lives here...

Please don't put me in this position.

Why are you doing this?

I'm gonna have to call the campus police.

Well... uh, now, Jordan, uh, she's my guest.

- Uh, my... - She's your guest, Harper?

Yeah, yeah, uh, yeah.

She's, uh... Hi, Stephanie... hi, uh...

- Yeah. - Yeah. Stephanie. Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Stephanie... Sanders.

Stephanie Sanders. Right here.

- Take care of her, okay? - Oh, yeah. No, I got this.

This is all taken care of. You don't have to worry about that.

- Thank you. - Okay.

- Thanks, man. Sorry. - Thank you.

- Oh, rock and roll. - What?

- I said, rock and roll. - Oh.

Alright, this is uh... This is us.

"Us." You're funny.

Nice porn.

Ha ha. Yeah. Ha...

Nice panties.

- Who are you? - I'm Jake.

Lainey.

It's a nickname they give to people named Elaine.

Elaine's great name.

- It's like, Elaine! Elaine... - Hey!

If you ever even mention The Graduate again, I will slit your throat.

Okay, Lainey. Glad we got that cleared up.

Welcome to my Thursday night. Huh?

You, uh... You wanna watch porn?

Smoke drugs?

Ugh! This sucks!

- Mm. - You know what I was gonna do tonight?

Judging from your outfit, I'd say scale a mountain?

- Lose my virginity. - Hold on a second...

You were gonna lose your virginity to Matthew Sobvechik

in 11B at Wein Dormitory?

He's the TA in my pre-med bio class.

I'm deliberately failing to get work sessions with him.

We fool around after he teaches me things I already know.

Jesus! How Matthew Sobvechik managed to bag

such a delightfully unhinged hottie

by being the most boring, fucking guy

on this entire floor is beyond me.

- Well, I'm in love with him. - Come on.

There's no way you love Matthew Sobvechik

the Pontiac Aztec of people.

Lainey, you having sex with Matthew Sobvechik

is basically the same thing

as me telling an Aborigine in the Australian outback

that he's about to listen to the Beatles

for the first time, and then I play him Blues Traveler.

That's a cruel joke, for I will have just tricked him

into thinking Blues Traveler

is the greatest band of all time, okay?

Now, if you were to sleep with Matthew Sobvechik

you would be addicted to mediocrity for the rest of your life.

And that barely covered vagina of yours

deserves better than that.

It doesn't deserve John Popper, it deserves John Lennon. Okay?

You understand me?

I'm talkin' about, like, the "White Album", not "Hook."

Tell me what sex is like.

Oh, my God! You've got a one track mind.

Fuck you. Enlighten me.

You want me to tell you what sex is like, huh?

- Mm-hmm. Tell me. - Okay.

Better be ready.

- You ready? - Yes.

Sex is like, uh...

It's like kissing with your entire body.

Very sensual experience.

It's like shooting heroin in a... in a controlled yet

moist environment, you know?

You know what it's like ...it's like... it's like Times Square at night.

I mean... just the right tinge of danger.

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

What?

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So I haven't technically...

actually really done it yet.

Why're you laughing at me? That's not...

But you're so old.

Fuck you. I didn't call you an old virgin.

I'm not... I'm shocked. I'm shocked. You're so cute.

Why're you giving me shit?

Y-you can't get the most boring dude

in the dorm to sleep with you.

You know... that... I mean, that's ridiculous.

You're the one that's should be...

No, I'm... I'm sorry.

I... I'm... I'm...

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset.

I thought... I was just joking around.

You know, I thought we were joking around. So I was joking.

This was all, just very romantic

and then you just fucked it up.

It was?

What is this?

Get it off.

Jesus.

I'm so, so sweaty. All this on...

You're incredible.

You're gonna drive some guy crazy some day.

- Okay. Alright. - Mm-hmm.

- Here we go? - Mm-hmm.

Hey! Hey, Hannah!

Hannah!

- Hannah! - Leave me alone!

- Oh, come on. Look, I could do this all the way to Brooklyn... - Fuck you.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Easy. Easy.

Hey, did you see me take out that cab? Sydney Bristow style?

Thank God you stopped, okay? Please. Please...

- You're disgusting. - I'm... okay. Maybe you're right.

- You might be right. - How could you fuck her, Jake?

I look, sorry, I... Ow! Ooh! That got me!

How could you even kiss me after you fucked her?

What are we doing in the middle of the street?

Ugh! Because I hope we fucking die!

Will you get... whoa! Fuckin' please, come on!

Let's get off the street, okay? Okay, look, look, look, look, look.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, I appreciate your anger, I really do, okay.

And Lord knows, I could use the exercise

but I do believe there are exactly 3 points we should discuss, okay?

First off, in our initial conversations about exclusivity

I distinctly recall you saying something about "staying casual," yeah?

- I only said that... - Most likely because you thought

that was what I wanted to hear, yes?

- Yes. - Okay. Well, me taking you at your word

doesn't make me an asshole, it does however make you a liar.

Ugh! You're such a piece of shit...

Hey. Second... second point. Okay?

If you really, actually wanted monogamy

why have casual sex with me for three months?

You know, I mean, If you wanna grow flowers, you don't plant 'em in a closet.

So either you're stupid or deep down inside you don't want monogamy either.

You fucked my best friend.

Which brings me to my third and final point.

Your chief complaint is not that I screwed someone

it is who I screwed.

That's what it's about, right?

So much like your, uh, the counter-intuitive plan

to secure an exclusive relationship

with a guy that you don't actually wanna date.

Moi. Your issue with me and Sarah...

- Do not say her name. - Was a lot...

Your issue with us is purely driven by a societal insecurity.

Not to mention, a culturally infused female competition.

Oh! My heart goes out to you ladies.

Baby, you're a bad liar.

You're not stupid.

And she can't hold a candle to you.

Can we please go home?

Please?

You know, get out of these wet clothes.

And dry each other off using friction.

Yeah?

- Yeah. - Good.

Whoa!

- You got a girlfriend, Charles? - No.

Playing the field, hmm?

Be careful.

- You know? - Why?

I don't know if I have time to answer that.

Wow. Bathroom fucking stinks.

Um, what were we talking about? So I said to Jack.

I said, "Jack, Lainey and I, we're looking to buy."

Maybe have a kid."

I hope it's okay that I said that, by the way.

I mean, you haven't changed your mind or anything, have you?

Because I know you don't wanna get married, but you know

I do think it's important we make some sort of commitment to each other

and I think buying a place, maybe Kensington

maybe Prospect Heights.

What's up, little nugget, what are you doing with the notebook?

Sam. I have to read you something.

You've been writing again?

- Sweetie, that's great! - No...

- I was never writing. - Honey, yes!

- It was one short story... - Yes! That is great!

No, listen. Listen...

I wanna tell you something, look at me.

Look at me, okay? I know you love teaching.

But that's not a real thing. I mean, this is great. This is...

Can you please just not interrupt me while I read this, please.

- Just listen to it. Let me get through all of it. - I won't.