Elling

I've always been a mama's boy.

I'm an only child. So was my mom.

We preferred staying at home.

Nobody ever came to visit us.

They only came when my mom died. Complete strangers

who wanted nothing but to talk about my life.

Didn't they have their own lives to talk about?

It was kind of the Norwegian government to offer a place to people who struggle.

But all I wanted was to be left alone.

The worst part about Brøynes was having to open up.

Talking about Mother and me and our shared loneliness over 40 years.

I had to share a room with an orangutan

who only thought of naked women and food.

Hey!

I'm not doing great, either.

It's been forty years and I've never had sex.

-You have half of your life ahead of you. -I don't know about that.

I have half of my life behind me,

I live in a madhouse and I've never had sex.

-Sex is overrated. -How is sex overrated?

-It gets boring. -I'll never get tired of fucking.

I've never had many friends. I've actually never had any.

Kjell Bjarne obviously needed spiritual guidance.

It was just a coincidence. I worked as a second mate on SS Norway.

Sailed around the Caribbean. Later, I visited a nice brothel.

With naked women?

I impressed them so much…

…they forgot to get paid.

What the fuck?

Kjell Bjarne was shocked by what I had said and told Gunn.

-Elling lied to you. -What do you mean, lied?

-Aren't you a member of Bandidos? -Well, not exactly a member.

Stop lying. Tell him the truth!

-And the girl you fucked on a motorcycle? -That's also a lie.

You're just jealous, Gunn.

It got better, as they say.

The women on Palm Island…

who smeared you and themselves with…

-Oil? -Yes.

-Also a lie. -I don't care about any of it.

-You really mean that? -Yes. As long as you tell the story again.

Kjell Bjarne never ratted me out again.

After two years, the government moved us out of Brøynes…

into our own apartment…

Bye.

…in Majorstuen in Oslo.

There we would try to get back into the real world.

-Yes? -Yes?

-What's your destination? -We're going to Oslo, of course.

One way?

Are there more ways?

We want the fastest way to Oslo.

Frank Åslid from the municipality will be waiting for us.

Since you work for the NSB, do you know some people there? Are they nice?

-That'll be 130 kr. -One-thirty?

Last time it was 25 to Larvik.

-That must have been 30 years ago. -Yes.

Come on, Elling!

SEASON TICKETS ONLY

Elling!

Hello!

Are you'll Elling and Kjell Bjarne? Two guys on a journey to Oslo?

-Are you… -Hello! Hi.

…Frank Åslid?

-Do they have hot dogs here? -All good?

-Are you from Oslo municipality? -I'll die otherwise.

Come, let's go.

-What's your name again? -His name is Frank Åslid.

-You're from Oslo municipality? -That's right.

-Are you married? -Yeah.

Is she nice?

Yeah, she's all right. Please call me Frank.

-What's her name? -Kjell Bjarne!

Janne.

-Does she have any girlfriends? -Kjell Bjarne!

Come on up, guys. It's the third floor.

Put your stuff down. You're home now. You're in charge here.

You don't have a cigarette, do you?

You need to show me that you two are okay by yourselves.

Shop, cook, use the phone, socialize. Prove you can live like normal people.

If you can't, the apartment will go to someone else.

-There is nothing to eat here! -You'll have to manage your own food.

Once you step out, take a left

and down the street. I'll drop by to see how you're doing.

You'll get your own bedrooms.

Come here . Elling!

Here. This is your room.

And this is your room, Kjell Bjarne. Now put your damn backpack down, already.

-Am I supposed to sleep in here? -It's nice to have your own room, right?

-It'll be all right, Kjell. -Here's my number.

Remember, I have ten other people to look after.

He's like Jesus. Jesus also had 12 people to look after.

Let's go out to eat. Oslo municipality is treating you.

Come on, Elling. Let's go to eat with Oslo municipality!

We just arrived. Why do we have to leave already?

It's a lovely home, but they're dragging us out for some food.

I thought we could celebrate.

It's better to celebrate a new house in the house itself.

-We have nothing to eat! -Then Elling will have to get the food.

Elling!

For as long as I can remember, I've had two enemies, dizziness and no rest.

Elling! Just around the corner. Go on now.

SALE

No matter where I go, they keep following me.

Come on, you hippo!

I'm totally fine. I'm okay.

I can handle it myself, Frank. This is Frank Åslid from the municipality.

Eat something, Elling. You need some food in your system.

No, thanks. I don't eat on command, Frank.

You didn't come here to stare at the wall!

You need to get back out there.

It's okay, Kjell Bjarne.

-It'll be just like Brøynes. -Yeah. Just like Brøynes.

I want to listen.

Sure, but not to this. Only NRK P1!

-You have a picture of your mom? -Yes, I wanted to decorate a little.

Decorate with your mom?

In your dreams.

If my mom comes here, I'll kick her and my stepdad out.

Don't say such things about your mother. She gave birth to you and fed you.

Not my mom. Have you never thought of killing your mother?

-Why would I ever think that? -What about your father? Is he nice?

He died two weeks before I was born. I think my mom liked him.

This is the news…

-I'm hungry, Elling! -The store is just down the street.

Well done, Kjell Bjarne!

That's the best food I've ever tasted.

A little bit closer to you. There!

My mom took care of the practical stuff. I took care of the ideology.

The Norwegian Labor Party only focused on the important matters.

Elling! Go to the store. It's always me. You haven't been outside this house!

Haven't I done anything? Am I eating all the food here?

-We should go for a walk. Or to a café. -To a bar?

Yes, or to a café, places that women go to.

Women like clean men who smell good. Not men with 14 day old sweat.

-It hasn't been 14 days. At most. -Maybe ten.

This is the last time I'm going to the store.

Wrong number again.

Elling!

Kjell Bjarne! Are you there, guys?

Why aren't you answering the telephone?

I guess it's broken.

I've tried to call over and over. It's broken.

Sharpen up, guys.

We need some clear agreements.

You need to be able to answer the telephone for this to work.

Kjell Bjarne!

Fine. We'll need some telephone practice again.

-I gotta tidy up my toolbox. -No, both of you. Come on.

Come on!

When the telephone rings, pick up the receiver and say, "Hello."

Okay? Elling, first.

Let's pretend someone is calling, okay?

Ring, ring…

Answer the telephone.

Answer, Elling.

Pick it up and say, "Hello."

Come on.

Come on, Elling.

-Hello? -Hi, Elling. It's Frank. How are you?

-Pick it up! -Hi, I'm thirsty. Same to you.

That's good, Elling. Great! One more time.

-My mom always answered the telephone. -Yeah?

Your mom is dead, so now it's your turn to answer the telephone.

Ring.

Say something, Elling.

Talk to me, Elling.

I can't do that. Talking to plastic is unnatural.

Yeah? Then get out and meet some people.

Why do we always have to go out?

If you don't do as I say…

you won't have an apartment.

Elling. Maybe we should start going out, like Franks says.

Like Frank says.

The women aren't going to come here. They don't even know that we live here.

We don't have to go out to meet women.

Frank taught us how useful a phone can be.

I'm so glad you called. I love sex.

I'm sitting here touching myself. Kiss my boobs.

No, no, yes, you have such a big cock. Yes, harder…

I'm so glad you called…

Four thousand! Four thousand!

You have to choose. Pussy talk or apartment.

You won't meet people by listening to pussy talk on the telephone.

-It's called priorities. -That's what I told Kjell Bjarne.

-You never told me that! -Yes, I did!

Shut up!

Last warning.

We need clear agreements, rules and some progress.

I said we should go out.

"Go out, go out, go out." After losing 4,000 you want to go out?

-Let's go to the movies. -No.

No.

-Come on, Elling. -No.

SALE EVERYTHING MUST GO

Two against one. It's always been like that.

When three grown men clash, it gets rough.

-That's the best movie I've ever seen. -Nice movie, Elling.

What kind of times are we living in? I'm a modern human being.

I refuse to applaud this moral breakdown.