Louie

I have running water in a toilet--

Some guy to "Chang, Chang."

I seduced a harp player.

A harp player? A harp player.

He goes, "She's young, cute."

He goes, "Oh, she doesn't work here."

Waitresses there hate

me since then.

Is that bad?

I said to her,

"You're my sister, and I want to do open mics."

Yes, honest to God.

Behind a Dunkin' Donuts?

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, sorry.

Deal! All right.

All right, two gets a nine, that's flushing.

Queen gets a Jack.

Wait, is this high-low? Yes, it's high-low.

You know what you can do with this seven?

Shove it straight up your mother's shit maker.

I don't think it'll fit there.

Her ass is so crammed with all the dicks

she finds behind the bus station.

That doesn't even make any sense.

See, what Nick is saying

is that your mother goes to the bus station

and she gets, like, old, thrown-away penises there.

Like, out back, where they keep those.

Like in a bin.

She does this so much, her ass is just crammed.

Your mom really does that?

I don't know, I don't talk to her every day.

Let me finish.

She just crams 'em into there

and uses one of those coffee tampers, you know?

For espresso machines?

You know, I got it earlier, but now I--

Wait a minute, I'm not finished.

And she just shoves 'em in there, just--

It's just compressed.

It's like she's almost crushing dicks into like a dick diamond,

like a pink diamond.

And so, you know, try to get a card in there.

Okay, that does make sense.

What's that feel like, anyways? What?

A dick in the ass.

You're asking me because I'm gay?

No, I'm asking you 'cause you're very learned.

Yeah, I'm asking you 'cause you're the only gay person here.

Are you interested for any particular reason?

You need a breath mint, my friend.

Hey, Rick.

Is it true there's a gay club in the city called "Jerks"

where gay guys just stand around all day

and play with each other's dicks?

Yeah, City Jerks. Oh, my God.

What is wrong with you people?

Wait, there's really a club like that?

It's not a club, per Se, it's like a floating party.

It meets in different locations every week

And what goes on there?

Jesus, do we need to hear this?

Why don't you just shut up and learn something?

Hey, why don't you shut up?

Nice one. Don't want to.

City Jerks is a gathering, sometimes in a hotel room,

sometimes at a club and, you know, different places.

And it started, basically, when AIDS did.

They wanted to have a club where guys could have,

like a group sexual outlet, but still play safe.

You know, so at this--

You know, at these meetings, they get together,

some guys go one-on-one, some guys go in a huddle.

Like do what, what goes on?

You masturbate each other. Oh, Jesus.

I thought masturbation meant only one person.

So you just stand around in a room

and you jerk each other off?

Yeah, that's why they call it "City Jerks."

Well, you could just watch-- a lot of guys like to watch

while another guy pleasures himself.

Stop-- stop telling this!

I'm gonna puke.

Is there a lesser charge for watching, like standing room?

No, no, no.

Like auditing a class? No, because you're never--

What's a "huddle"?

You said "huddle," what's that?

It's a huddle, where you huddle together in a group

and everybody reaches in and you kind of help yourself.

To cocks and balls. Sure.

Oh, my God, what--

What are they in,

Jesus Christ, what are you people thinking?

Out of the huddle?

Like, "You jerk him, you jerk him.

Break."

"Break!" On two!

On two.

What do you do if you're there and somebody recognizes you?

Say hi.

Well, you'll be pleased to know, everybody's naked,

except for shoes and socks.

Really? Why the shoes and socks?

Well, after awhile, the floor is full of--

All right!

I get it!

Christ!

That much ( blank ), you gotta put on some shoes?

Like high-- like Timberlands, you need some big shoes?

No, just regular shoes with a rubber sole.

Sure-- something stylish, though, still?

Florsheim has some stuff, you know.

Snowshoes or something--

Flippers. Flip-flops.

Flip-flops.

Mud cleats.

That's another club.

That's one of Jim's clubs.

Mud cleats.

You know, I know it's a free country, Rick,

and I don't care what you guys do, but...

Thanks, Nick.

Next time I'm about to go down on a big juicy cock,

I'll remember, it's all right with you.

You should have that stamped on the head of the cock.

"Nick-approved."

Nick's face. "Nick-approved."

Like I said, I don't care and God bless you.

But I gotta be honest.

What you guys do, it really makes me sick.

And not on a political Bible level, either.

I mean, just picturing you touch another guy's dick,

that's gross.

Is that how you feel about what we do?

What, sex with women?

Yeah, do you get grossed out thinking about pussy?

I don't think about pussy.

I don't care what you guys do.

You're the ones who asked me.

And you guys ask me this shit every time I'm here.

Really, I talk about gay sex more with you guys

than I do with any of my gay friends.

You guys are obsessed.

Well, I'm curious-- I don't know that I'm obsessed.

Really?

You, who says "faggot" onstage more than you say "hello"?

"Hello"?

Who says "hello" more than once onstage?

Who says "hello" onstage at all?

Yeah, hello?

I mean in life, in life, he says--

More than he says it in life.

Rick, does it offend you when I say that word?

What word, "hello"? No, "faggot."

Yeah, does it bother you when he says the word "faggot"?

No, it bothers me when you say it,

'cause you mean it.

Yeah, but really, it's like, as a comedian and a gay guy,

you're the only gay comic I know.

Do you think I shouldn't be using that word onstage?

I think you should use whatever word you want.

When you use it onstage,

I can see it's funny and I don't care.

But are you interested to know what it might mean to gay men?

Yeah, I am interested.

Well, the word "faggot" really means a bundle of sticks

used for kindling in a fire.

Now, in the Middle Ages,

when they used to burn people they thought were witches,

they used to burn homosexuals, too.

And they used to burn the witches at a stake,

but they thought the homosexuals were too low and disgusting

to be given a stake to be burned on,

so they used to just throw them in with the kindling,

with the other "faggots."

So that's how you get "flaming faggot."

So what you're saying is gay people

are a good alternative-fuel source?

That's where they get the term "diesel Dyke."

I'm sorry, go ahead.

You might want to know that every gay man in America

has probably had that word shouted at them

when they're being beaten up,

sometimes many times,

sometimes by a lot of people all at once.

So when you say it,

it kind of brings that all back up.

But, you know, by all means, use it, get your laughs,

but, you know, now you know what it means.

Okay, thanks, faggot, we'll keep that in mind.

Getting divorced is like a--

It's like stepping out of a time machine.

That's what it's like.

I got married when I was 28, divorced when I was 42.

Somebody please tell me how long that is.

14 years.

Thank you-- that's my wife.

I was married when I was 28, I got divorced when I was 42,