Battle Creek

I'm a senior detective with the Battle Creek Police.

We are forced to make do substandard and out-of-date equipment.

Great news. We're getting help.

Our loss... Battle Creek's gain.

Good riddance, you miserable sack...

Big smile, big laugh, you love it here. Big smile, big laugh.

I love it here.

Detectives Russ Agnew.

Milt Chamberlain.

Hi.

He has asked to have someone team up with him.

Me.

Why me?

I think you get lucky.

Not because you trust people

but because you're just really good-looking, man.

Oh, thank you.

In my experience, when you trust people,

they-they trust you.

Have you actually met people?

You can't be a cop

and be this naive. It's just not possible.

I agree.

Oh, hey. Holly.

- Huh? - Seriously, what, we can't afford water?

Well, the snack budget's really tight, and, uh,

everybody's really tearing through

those single service coffee packets,

so, yeah, I had to make the hard call.

Back this way.

Easy with those... they're pricey.

Where you want it?

Look at that. Milt gets original art,

and we get counterfeit water.

Hey, Culligan Man.

- That's funny. - Some hunters just found a dead guy

in the woods. In the rain.

Evidence recovery is gonna be a bitch.

You and Font go see if Milt's busy.

That's what the FBI

is here for, Russ, to help us.

Unbelievable.

Hey, psst.

What are you doing?

Guz said get Milt's help.

No, she said to see if he was busy.

Look at him.

That Minecraft world is not gonna build itself.

Let's go. We got a murder to solve.

We live in Michigan,

where it rains, like, every other day.

How much can proper rain gear really cost?

Maybe it'll lighten up.

He's got no bullet wounds or stab wounds to the body.

He's got a small gash behind the head, but it doesn't

appear to be a fracture, so...

a blow to the skull didn't kill him. So what did?

If we could figure out who he is, then we'll be halfway there.

You know what? If we need Milt for that, then we're pathetic.

Eddie Floss.

Well, Edward, actually.

And, Russ, I don't think you're pathetic at all.

What are you, a magician now?

Yeah, I did do some magic back in high school, actually.

I saw you guys arguing outside my office

in the reflection of my iPad, so I asked

Commander Guziewicz what was going on.

She seemed to react angrily to that.

Anyway, she gave me directions to here.

And on the way out, I saw a car stalled back up the way.

So I obviously stopped to help the driver.

Obviously.

But the car was abandoned.

So I looked inside and I...

I found this wallet in the glove box.

Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second. Look at this.

Got a fine white froth coating his mouth.

This victim was drowned.

The wife did it. I mean it.

Isn't it always the spouse?

I mean... we should probably get evidence and everything.

The victim was dragged to the woods and tied to a tree, Niblet.

That's somebody trying to send a message.

I'm thinking this guy probably ran with some bad dudes. He probably

- has a record, which could point us... - No. He has

two traffic citations in the last five years. That's it.

$1,400 in a savings account. Paid his credit cards

off monthly. His last credit card purchase

was Emmett's Emmett Street Diner,

just after 7:00 p.m. the night before last.

Sorry.

Funk, you and Niblet head over to Emmett's,

see if we can find out who our victim was with

- and if he left alone. - Drowned in a lake?

Or drowned in a pool?

The type of water in his lungs could help us narrow down

where the attack took place.

Russ and Font, go talk to the medical examiner,

see if she can differentiate what kind of water was in the lungs.

Time is not your friend during a homicide investigation.

Come on. Let's go.

Hey, buddy. Why are you still sitting there? Come on.

If I stand up I'll puke.

I've got that spotty vision thing real bad this time.

Means I'm gonna have a debilitating migraine

in about ten minutes.

I'll power through it.

No, no, no. Don't be silly.

I know how bad a migraine can be.

Do you have...

drugs or anything that you can take to help?

Yes.

You should go get them.

Russ and I will head down to the morgue.

He said he could power through.

The man needs his medicine, Russ.

Thanks.

Look, if someone reaches out,

it doesn't make you lesser to take their hand.

You want to hold my hand now, Milt? Is that it?

No, metaphorically.

Bite me. Metaphorically.

Oh, okay. So I see.

Y-You're either too prideful or too stubborn.

Or you just don't like me. Which is fine.

But you shouldn't let it get in the way

of accepting my help on your cases.

You're right.

On the other hand, I don't know you.

I don't know why you were sent here. Because you won't tell me.

It's not that I don't like you, Milt.

I just don't trust you.

Why is everything so low?

Better question:

- why are you so high? - Oh,

I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were a little person.

Don't apologize.

People apologize to me way too often.

- Sorry. - Our M.E. Meredith here somehow convinced

the department to have everything retrofitted

a few years back.

Hey, Mer, how much did that cost?

- About ten grand? - 12. And I convinced them using

clever arguments like

"the law says,"

"don't make me sue you,"

or "kiss my tiny little ass, Russ."

Hey, look, I'm all for civil rights, too, okay?

But I'm also for Tasers that actually tase

and proper rain gear

- and clean drinking water. - We get it.

The department's broke 'cause I'm a little person.

No, the department's broke because you're a stubborn

little person who refuses to stand on a milk crate.

I'm sure that Meredith is well worth whatever it took

to make her happy.

Hi.

From your demeanor and cheekbones,

I'm guessing that you're Milt.

The ladies upstairs were right.

If anything, they understated.

Hey, when you two are done, could you, uh,

please tell us what kind of water this guy was drowned in.

This is odd.

What is it?

It's viscous.

Smells almost... sweet.

Guys, this isn't water.

I think your victim was drowned

in maple syrup.

Okay. Hawaiian Big Bud. 80 bucks.

This was $45 last time.

Well, you must've just gotten an eighth, and we're all out of those.

So take a quarter, cut it in half... you'll have two.

Look, man. These are prescriptions.

You go to your local Walgreens and ask for half an Oxy?

Hell, you go to your local Wendy's

and ask for half a cheeseburger?

Our bud comes prepackaged.

You want it or not?

Holly, I need to notify

the next of kin. Do you have that woman's contact info?

Uh, where's Font?

Uh, he went home early. You know, migraines.

Oh.

Wait,

you don't think I can tell the wife that her husband died?

I-I think usually Font does it.

I can be sensitive.

Okay. You know what, let's practice.

Okay. Pret-Pretend that I am her.

I've obviously been worried sick

all night 'cause my husband has not come home.

Probably been crying, expecting the worst.

And then, uh, you knock,

a stranger, probably a cop.

All right.

I-I open the door, filled with dread.

I am a total mess.

This-this may very well be the worst moment of my entire life.