The Goes Wrong Show

APPLAUSE

Hello! Merry Christmas, and welcome back to Play of the Week

where, each week, a new play is performed live

in front of a studio audience here in Cornley

and broadcast to the nation.

I'm Chris Bean, the direc-tor...

and I'm thrilled to present tonight's Christmas play.

Before we begin, let's meet... Chris, Chris, Chris... Chris. Yes?

What noise does a reindeer make? Clearly a matter

for rehearsals, Dennis!

Before we begin...

let's meet the star of the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together

for Father Christmas!

APPLAUSE

Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

I've come all the way from Lapland

with my favourite two elves,

Nistle and Nostle!

APPLAUSE

Well, we've got just enough time before the main event

to meet some children from...

the local area.

All right, so, who have we got? Right, erm...

Grace...

Grace, what would you like for Christmas, Grace?

I'm not Grace. Why are you looking at me, then?

Don't make eye contact if you're not Grace.

Who's Grace?

Right, OK. What do you want for Christmas?

An Xbox. An Xbox?

Are you sure that's the gift you...

pre-arranged with the producers?

Yes.

Ha-ha! Oh-ho, ho-ho!

I think the producers agreed

there was a £15 limit, and you'd be getting

a copy of Robert Groves'

Anything You Can Act, I Can Act Louder.

Now with diagrams!

And it's even signed by the author, you see? "To Grace".

That says "Grate".

So sorry. Let's fix that, shall we?

There we are.

Now it says "Ungrateful".

Right, let's do another.

What do YOU want for Christmas? PlayStation.

Right, no games consoles!

That's not the budget we're working with.

Have an acting book.

Right, what would you like

for Christmas, little girl? I'm a boy! Oh, who chose these?!

All right, that's clearly enough of that.

Let's get on with the show. BACKGROUND CHATTER

The actors are prepared, the stage is set.

Please enjoy The Spirit of Christmas!

Dreadful section!

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

One Christmas Eve, not long ago,

a sweet little girl built a man out of snow.

She sighed as she played in the cold winter air,

for she had some worries she needed to share.

Hello, Mr Snowman.

You're going to be my best friend!

And I won't say that again!

What do you want me to do, Maude? I've been running errands all day

for YOU, picking up all the food! It's eight o'clock, and I've still

got to prepare all this for tomorrow! Fine.

What can I do to help? Cut up these chicken breasts, will you?

Try not to make a mess of it!

SMASHING

REPEATED SMASHING

I see you got the cheap sausages.

Daddy, can we do a cracker?

Of course we can. The crackers are for tomorrow!

Maude, just let her pull a cracker!

It's Christmas Eve, for goodness' sake!

THEY SCREAM

Why don't you decorate the tree?

Ooh, can we?! I'll do the baubles,

and YOU can do the tinsel. Oh! Uh...

Make sure you spread it out evenly.

I don't want it looking silly.

Oh, no, where's the...?

Where's the star?!

Oh, I can't see it.

What?! You've lost my grandmother's star?!

I haven't lost it, I just can't find it!

I can't trust you with anything, can I?!

You know what? I think I need some air.

DOOR SLAMS

When is Daddy coming back?

I don't know, darling. Can I sleep downstairs tonight, so I can

wish him an happy Christmas when he comes home?

Of course you can, sweetheart.

And I'll put out some sherry for Santa.

MAGICAL MUSIC

PROLONGUED HIGH NOTE

APPLAUSE

Away went Belle's letter, high up in the sky.

She just had to wait now for Santa's reply.

Would he have the answer? Could this do the trick?

Belle put her trust in kindly Saint Nick.

She lay down her head, her heart full of care,

dreaming that Santa would answer her prayer.

Ho! Ho!

BANGING Argh! Hmm.

Oh, come on!

Agh...

My sack's caught on the flue.

You can't say that! Of course I can, it's a literal sack.

Not talking about my balls, am I?

Argh! OK, now my actual sack is caught.

REPEATED BANGING

Robert? Huh? Robert! Careful!

Be careful, Robert! What are you doing?! Argh! Argh! Argh!

Argh! Argh!

Push it up!

Agh!

Argh! Argh!

Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!

Agh! Hand me the gifts.

Oof!

Agh... Bloody acting books! Oof!

Ooh, sorry, sorry!

Oh, God!

Er... Oh, no.

LOUD BANG Ooh! Argh!

Wake up, dear one.

Santa?! Ho-ho-ho! That's right.

I received your letter, Belle, and it moved me greatly.

Are you sad, Belle? I am, Santa.

Belle's sad. Aw! Aw!

What are you doing? LAUGHTER

Do not participate. LAUGHTER

Unbelievable! God, I just feel so dreadfully low.

That just won't do! But don't worry, because I've brought my two elves

to come and help you.

Come along, Nistle! Come along, Nostle!

Here I come!

Hello, Santa!

And here I come!

I'm coming! BANGING

I'm on my way.

Almost!

Al...

BANGING STOPS Ah.

I shall remain!

Nistle and Nostle are the happiest two el...

two elves in all of Lapland.

Er... That's because

we're the closest of friends, and wherever you see Nistle...

You're sure to see Nostle!

JAUNTY MUSIC

Argh!

Hey!

Oof!

APPLAUSE

Well, that was...good.

Ah, Belle, I see you've left me some sherry.

How delightful!

Eurgh!

It's real sherry.

And some mince pies, delicious!

Delicious.

But, Belle, you said in your letter that you don't feel

the spirit of Christmas this year?

That's right, Santa.

Well, this is serious.

Why don't you both have a mince pie. And I'll have another nip of sherry

and we'll solve our troubles together?

Yes, we will.

HE CHUCKLES

Just another nip.

Just a couple more nips.

Just a couple more nips. That's a lot of nips.

Are you really going to help me, Santa?

I will in a minute.

I'm just working on something else quite complicated here.

Argh! Stop It! Stop! Argh!

Right, get out of the way!

That really was too many nips.

Santa? Hmm? Yes.