Zakir Khan: Tathastu

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome on stage Zakir Khan.

Who is sure to win? Ronnie will!

Who is sure to win? Ronnie will!

Oh stop!

How are all of you?

- By God, you guys look gorgeous. - You too.

Well, I did lose weight.

Thanks, I said it so that you would compliment me

Get married!

Did the marriage idea come from here?

Well, I won't marry you!

Get married it seems!

Are you married?

Then why wish the same for me?

Why aren't you married?

After you.

After me?

I'm also waiting for Salman to marry.

Your upbringing is pivotal in shaping your future

and it depends on whether you're from a nuclear family or a joint one.

This is the real divide not religion,

or regional direction.

Joint family Vs nuclear family is the main divide.

That defines your character.

People from joint families, give me a cheer.

I don't care if I seem biased,

when I start a company, I won't hire employees from nuclear families.

Only people from joint families will be hired.

I'll tell you why.

When you're raised in a joint family,

you develop a slavish streak.

In my home,

nobody gives pointed instructions.

What's your name, brother?

Sanidhya. Nobody will say Sanidhya, get me some water.

Everybody speaks in the air

Well, get me water.

Everyone in the room looks at each other

to find who is the youngest

who waits with his head bowed incase others

want something too so he won't have to get up again.

Every joint family

has an alcoholic uncle

whose drinking is denied by the entire family.

He did drink once as a child and dad thrashed him.

He never drank again.

But the guy drinks every day!

He spoils the ambiance at home.

Then there's a woman

in the house

who's disliked by all.

She's the main villain for them.

The whole clan thinks she's into black magic!

Reality. No ifs and buts about it.

She's into black magic, that's it.

Every joint family has a head honcho.

He's the main guy.

You remember Baa from 'Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi'.

Likewise every family has an oldie

who owns huge property

that has the whole family vying for it.

In my family, it was my grandfather, Ustad Moinuddin Khan.

He was a Sarangi maestro.

And of course,

he was egoistic too.

Human body is made of 70% water,

his was 70% ego!

You've heard of hype men.

He had 8-9 of them,

his students.

Their only job was to

to show undying faith in their ustad.

Guru's word is truth

The guru would talk generic as f**k stuff!

They'd be like, guru said it'll rain tomorrow.

I was like it's July for God sake!

It's raining all over the country.

My grandpa aka Abbaji was weak in Math.

He was a well-travelled man

a great artist, with little education

but great confidence.

He'd brag saying I had a show in some studio.

Big studio!

It was huge.

It was packed.

No room left at all.

People were touching the stage.

There were almost 10-15 people.

Oldies have a set mindset.

Another thing is about waking up at odd hours.

it's 2 am.

He'd wake up at 12

but say I woke up at 2 am!

It wasn't 2!

Once he was called as the chief guest

on 15th August.

The entire family helped him learn the speech.

Abbaji, memorise the speech.

He'd ask the one telling him to say it himself.

He didn't learn it but every child...

We were around 65 people!

That's how joint families are made.

Every child had memorised it

We're from Rajasthan. Get the picture.

Our forefathers were from Rajasthan.

We're Muslims from Rajasthan.

Imagine how subjugated our women were!

It's better with my generation.

We're pretty open.

Folks like my dad would be glad

if women wore burkha under veils!

Right?

My poor aunt

never saw the sun given her long veil!

She too learnt the speech on freedom!

She'd repeat it in the kitchen while someone memorised it outside!

Today we

got freedom from the British

but we need to ask ourselves

are we really free?

Are we freed from poverty,

starvation, discrimination,

and casteism?

Freedom from these things is real freedom.

So, we took Mr Khan

to give his speech on 15th August.

He was unstoppable with his confidence!

We were fine with that.

He memorised the speech in bits and pieces.

What he didn't remember was "freedom"

"Independence Day"

the occasion.

But he went ahead anyway.

Kids, it is 15th August today

and it is not.

Kids were like what?

Today

we were 15th August from the British

but we must ask ourselves

are we really 15th August?

Kids were confused as hell.

Imagine I faced this torture

at the age of 11.

I'm playing sitar since the age of 4.

By 11 I got slightly better.

He woke me one night and told dad

he wants to hear me play.

Dad said okay.

He was happy with my performance.

He said my hands were steady.

He needs an ustad.

I asked who.

He said someone who'd be loving

and teach you well.

I wondered who that could be.

He said there's one such great ustad.

I asked who.

He said the one who lives upstairs!

I couldn't believe it.

I asked dad if we had some guest.

He's like, it's me, silly!

It's me

I was in tears.

I wept right there.

He's like those are tears of joy.

I didn't want to be with him.

I'm yet to experience my youth

while he's at the end of his life.

Childhood and old age are poles apart.

What kids find funny is normal stuff for oldies.

For example, if someone breaks wind

a kid would go awwww!

He farted!

But this is all these guys talk about.

I had gas.

I'll get gas.

It'll cause gas.

They break wind anytime at all.

That's called swag.

Swag is not

funky gestures.

This is swag.

Kids these days have no patience.

They don't practice- *fart noise*

Nobody acknowledges it.

Nobody at all.

The conversation continues normally.

Usually the one who farts seems sheepish.

When we're in grade 9, we have older friends from 11th or 12th.

Likewise an 80 year old

would have 90 year old friends.

I hadn't seen such ancient people.

He took me to one such person's house.

Mr Verma was a singer.

Two-planked door.

Grandpa said they were close.

I knocked the ancient door locked by a chain.

He said he'd called so I needn't knock.

He'll be here running. He really loves me.